Perfectmatch dating

Paul Blart ðŸ’ĶðŸ’Ķ🍆🍆 Mall Cop ðŸ‘ŪðŸ‘ŪðŸ‘Ū

2018.07.10 15:04 TheMy5teryMan Paul Blart ðŸ’ĶðŸ’Ķ🍆🍆 Mall Cop ðŸ‘ŪðŸ‘ŪðŸ‘Ū

Let's go! Move it!
50 more ➕➕ yards!
All right 👉, let's go! Pick ⛏ it up ☝☝!
You're 👉 running 🏃‍♀ïļðŸƒâ€â™€ïļðŸƒâ€â™€ïļ out 🏎🏍 of time ⌚⌚⌚, Bryant!
Make it all the way ↕ïļ around the track! Come on 🔛!
You want 😋 to be troopers? You better move it!
All right 👉👉, next ⏭, get 🉐 up ☝☝ here 👈👈!
Let's hit 👊👊 it now.
Dean, come on 🔛!
All right 👉. You've all completed the written exam ⌛⌛⌛.
However, you must now pass ðŸŽŦðŸŽŦðŸŽŦ the obstacle course
to be admitted into the training 🏋ïļâ€â™€ïļ program 📚.
And remember, survive this ⮆,
and you're 👉 on 🔛 the front lines of keeping New 🆕🆕 Jersey ðŸ‡Ŋ🇊 safe.
Yeah 🙌.
Sorry 💔💔 about the test ⌛⌛, Dad ðŸ‘Ļ.
We all have ðŸˆķ our crosses to bear ðŸŧ, sweetheart.
Mine is ðŸˆķ named hypoglycemia.
Well, that's why ðŸĪ” you always 🕔 have ðŸˆķ to have ðŸˆķ sugar nearby.
Are you gonna have ðŸˆķ pie ðŸĨ§ðŸĨ§?
Not tonight, Ma.
I'm just kidding. Yeah 🙌, I'm gonna want 😋 some pie ðŸĨ§.
You...
No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, I meant now, Ma. Get 🉐🉐 the pie ðŸĨ§ðŸĨ§ðŸĨ§ now.
and I just kind of got that stuck in my head 💆 now,
and can't really get 🉐 it out 🏎🏍. Pie ðŸĨ§ðŸĨ§. Here 👈👈 we go.
It really helps heal.
And, you know ðŸĪ”, not always 🕔, but sometimes,
you gotta do like 😄😄 the kids ðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘Ķ say ðŸ—Ģ, and just say ðŸ—ĢðŸ—Ģ, "Whatever."
Kids ðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘Ķ don't talk ðŸ—Ģ like 😄 that.
Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay 👌👌?
I hear 👂👂👂 them in the mall 🏎🏎🏎. You know ðŸĪ”?
Peanut butter.
It just fills the cracks of the heart 😍😍.
Go away, pain.
Oh, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ. Come on 🔛🔛, Ma.
I'm not ready for this ⮆ right 👉 now.
We just don't want 😋 to see 👁👁 you go through another holiday alone.
But I'm not alone.
I've 🙋 got you two ✌✌✌. You know ðŸĪ”?
And besides, Black Friday's coming,
so my dance 💃 card's gonna be pretty full ðŸˆĩðŸˆĩ.
What 😅? It's the busiest shopping 👖👖 day of the year.
Yeah 🙌, I should have ðŸˆķðŸˆķ known better than to try to explain it to civilians.
I wish 🙏🙏 I had a coworker here 👈👈, like 😄, "Tyler, hey 👋. You know ðŸĪ”, Black Friday's coming."
"Gee, Paul ðŸ‘―, you don't have ðŸˆķðŸˆķ to tell ðŸ—Ģ me Black Friday's coming.
"Why ðŸĪ” do you think ðŸĪ” I've 🙋 been walking 🏃‍♀ïļðŸƒâ€â™€ïļ around here 👈👈
"with the eyes ðŸĪĐðŸĪĐ of an eagle ðŸĶ…ðŸĶ…?"
with being happy 😀😀 for the rest 😊😊😊 of your 👉 life 💓?
You said, and I quote, "If I don't have ðŸˆķ a girlfriend by November,
"I'll let you sign ⛎⛎⛎ me up ☝ for perfectmatch.com."
That was last year.
Okay 👌👌.
"What 😅 are you looking for in a woman 👧?"
Well, your 👉 mother 👊👊👊 certainly had something special 🌟.
Yeah 🙌, illegal immigrant status.
She married you, got citizenship, and then she left 👈👈 us.
That's not entirely true.
We did have ðŸˆķ some good 👌👍ðŸū times back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļâŽ…ïļ when ⏰ she was still trying to trick me.
She gave me you.
Okay 👌👌, next ⏭⏭⏭ question ❓❓. "Tell ðŸ—Ģ us about yourself."
Let's see 👁👁👁.
I know ðŸĪ” a lot about sharks.
Let me stop ✋✋ you right 👉👉👉 there.
Well-built 👷‍♀ïļ and a great 🇎🇧🇎🇧🇎🇧 hugger.
Awesome 👍👍👍, Grandma.
Not as awesome 👍👍 as this ⮆.
What 😅 are you doing?
Beefing up ☝☝ your 👉 profile with that nifty video 📞 that you made a few years back ⮅ïļ.
Ma, no ðŸ˜Ģ.
I don't know ðŸĪ”. Don't you think ðŸĪ” it's a little too, "Hey 👋, look 👁👁 at me"?
Well, that is ðŸˆķ exactly what 😅 we want 😋.
Eyes ðŸĪĐ on 🔛🔛🔛 the prize.
And don't worry, I will edit out 🏎🏍 the sweaty parts.
Dear God!
Hey 👋! Back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļâŽ…ïļ away from the vehicle 🚗.
Oh, dear God. Please 🙏.
Chompers, get 🉐 down ⮇⮇!
Hey 👋, you know ðŸĪ” where ðŸĪ· a men ðŸ‘īðŸ‘īðŸ‘ī's room is ðŸˆķ?
I do. You're 👉 gonna want 😋 to go to Lord 👑 and Taylor.
They got 12 stalls and heated seats.
Okay 👌👌, keep the balls 🏀 in the pit, kids ðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘Ķ. Kids ðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘Ķ!
Okay 👌👌👌, my lip is ðŸˆķ numb.
All righty.
Hey 👋.
Yeah 🙌, I know ðŸĪ”.
That's not supposed to be here 👈👈. It's a minivan.
... he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board...
He keeps the play ðŸŽ―ðŸŽ― alive.
What 😅 is ðŸˆķ this ⮆?
That's my report on 🔛 how ðŸĪ” to ease traffic flow from Macy's
down ⮇⮇ through the specialty shops.
You see 👁👁, if we could reroute the customers away from the food 🐟 court ðŸ‘Đ‍⚖ïļðŸ‘Đ‍⚖ïļðŸ‘Đ‍⚖ïļ,
it's gonna help 🆘 the kiosks and cut ðŸĨĐðŸĨĐ down ⮇⮇ on 🔛🔛 shopper frustration.
It's your 👉 classic two ✌✌✌-bird 🐔🐔, one 1ïļâƒĢ-stone ⮜ scenario.
Why ðŸĪ” can't you just punch in, shut up ☝ and punch out 🏎🏍 like 😄😄 the rest 😊 of us?
Safety never ❌ takes a holiday.
Did your 👉 mom 👊 crochet that on 🔛🔛 a pillow?
Blart.
This ⮆ is ðŸˆķ Sims. He's a new 🆕 trainee. Let him trail you today.
Hey 👋. Paul ðŸ‘― Blart. Ten-year veteran.
Wow ðŸ˜Ū. Veck Sims.
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show 📚. Let's mount up ☝☝.
Oh, yeah 🙌. That's the good 👌👍ðŸū stuff.
That's it. Treat her gentle, son.
Slap it, honor it.
So what 😅 made you want 😋 to pursue security ðŸ›Ą?
I never ❌ finished high 🆙🆙 school 🎓🎓🎓. This ⮆ is ðŸˆķ all I could get 🉐🉐.
Yeah 🙌, I'm currently working 🏗🏗🏗 on 🔛🔛 becoming a state trooper, myself.
Right 👉 now, I'm goose egg ðŸĢ for eight 8ïļâƒĢ. Hypoglycemia.
Confusing, right 👉👉? Cut ðŸĨĐðŸĨĐðŸĨĐ yourself some slack.
My first ðŸĨ‡ðŸĨ‡ðŸĨ‡ week riding on 🔛 the job 💞, I got lost ðŸģðŸģðŸģ behind the Sears.
They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full ðŸˆĩ beard.
I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard.
My uncle ðŸ‘ī can. Stay snug.
Now, in the event ðŸŽŦðŸŽŦ that you approach an assailant,
here 👈👈's what 😅 I want 😋 you to do. You're 👉 gonna pull up ☝,
left 👈 hip forward ⏭, placing your 👉 right 👉👉👉 hand 👍 on 🔛 your 👉 away hip thusly,
giving the illusion that you have ðŸˆķðŸˆķðŸˆķ a gun ðŸ”ŦðŸ”ŦðŸ”Ŧ. Which, of course, we both know ðŸĪ”
you don't.
Okay 👌👌? But you know ðŸĪ” what 😅 we do have ðŸˆķ?
Our voices! We have ðŸˆķðŸˆķðŸˆķ our voices.
If you remember one 1ïļâƒĢ thing from today, it's this ⮆.
The mind ðŸĪŊðŸĪŊðŸĪŊ is ðŸˆķ the only weapon ðŸ”ŦðŸ”Ŧ that doesn't need a holster.
Right 👉👉. Awesome 👍👍. How ðŸĪ” long do we get 🉐 for lunch ðŸĨŠ?
Half hour. But I eat ðŸ―ðŸ―ðŸ― in 20, which leaves 🍃🍃 me five 5ïļâƒĢ minutes for social time ⌚⌚,
five 5ïļâƒĢ minutes to get 🉐 refocused.
We got a high 🆙 roller.
Sir ðŸ‘Ļ, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right 👉.
Please 🙏 pull to the side, sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ. Out 🏎🏍 of traffic.
Tan jacket ðŸ§Ĩ, red ðŸ‘đðŸ‘đ scooter, please 🙏🙏 pull to the right 👉, out 🏎🏍 of traffic.
Sir ðŸ‘Ļ.
Thank 🙏 you.
Driving ðŸšĶðŸšĶ kind of recklessly back ⮅ïļ there, sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ.
You're 👉 kidding.
I don't joke about shopper safety.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have ðŸˆķðŸˆķ to issue ⚠ïļâš ïļ you a citation.
Gonna need your 👉 first ðŸĨ‡ðŸĨ‡ðŸĨ‡ and last. Last first ðŸĨ‡ðŸĨ‡ðŸĨ‡.
Sir ðŸ‘Ļ. Sir ðŸ‘Ļ. Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ, sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ, sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ.
Please 🙏 don't make this ⮆ more ➕➕➕ difficult than it needs to be, okay 👌?
Are you able to... Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ. Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ! Sir ðŸ‘Ļ. I am warning 🚧🚧🚧 you, sir ðŸ‘Ļ.
You're 👉 pushing it.
Sir ðŸ‘Ļ. Sir ðŸ‘Ļ. I am warning 🚧🚧... Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ.
Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ. Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ. Sir ðŸ‘Ļ.
Okay 👌.
This ⮆ is ðŸˆķ adding up ☝, sir ðŸ‘Ļ. He'll be back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļ. He'll be back ⮅ïļ. He'll be back ⮅ïļ.
Yes 👍. I'd like 😄😄 to welcome you to our mall 🏎🏎.
Well, thank 🙏 you.
Is ðŸˆķ there something else?
Yeah 🙌. Yeah 🙌, yeah 🙌.
Just looking for some hair 💈 extensions.
Need a little more ➕ volume 🔈🔈 up ☝☝ top 🔞. Do you do men ðŸ‘īðŸ‘ī?
Do you do men ðŸ‘īðŸ‘ī hair 💈💈💈? Do you do men ðŸ‘īðŸ‘īðŸ‘ī hair 💈💈? On 🔛 the men ðŸ‘īðŸ‘īðŸ‘ī?
Are you the guy ðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘Ķ that crashed into the minivan?
I don't think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ” so. Which one 1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ?
Well, that one 1ïļâƒĢ. That one 1ïļâƒĢ right 👉 there.
Yeah 🙌. That one 1ïļâƒĢ, yes 👍👍👍. That... You know ðŸĪ”, that one 1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ was me.
Although they're docking the paycheck ðŸ’ļ pretty good 👌👍ðŸū.
Yeah 🙌.
You know ðŸĪ” what 😅 you should do? You should get 🉐🉐🉐 the security ðŸ›ĄðŸ›ĄðŸ›Ą tape ðŸ“―,
and then, like 😄😄😄, sell it to one 1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ of those shows, you know ðŸĪ”, where ðŸĪ· people ðŸ‘Ŧ crash into stuff.
Volume 🔈. Right 👉👉, let me just see 👁👁 what 😅 I've 🙋 got.
Yeah 🙌, this ⮆ is ðŸˆķ Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks.
Who 💁 is ðŸˆķ this ⮆?
It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.
What 😅 the hell are you bothering me for?
You know ðŸĪ”, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense.
Oh, right 👉👉, yeah 🙌. Life 💓 of a security ðŸ›Ą guard.
and it's perfectly acceptable...
I'm so sorry 💔💔 if I called you the wrong thing.
No ðŸ˜Ģ, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ. You did fine, you know ðŸĪ”?
It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy
brewing in the industry 🏭🏭🏭 right 👉👉 now,
whether the title should be Security ðŸ›ĄðŸ›Ą Guard or Officer.
I'm sure you heard about it.
So, you all set for the busiest shopping 👖👖 day of the year?
Yeah 🙌, right 👉. And the worst ðŸ˜Ą day for a birthday 🎂.
This ⮆ year, it falls on 🔛🔛🔛 a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get 🉐🉐 a card.
Everyone's too busy shopping 👖👖.
You know ðŸĪ” what 😅? Yeah 🙌. Autumn Ash.
At those prices, now you got me thinking ðŸĪ” ponytail.
All right 👉. Thank 🙏 you.
Thank 🙏 you.
And, there you go.
Thank 🙏 you, Amy.
Thank 🙏 you, Officer Blart.
Hey 👋, Blart. Wow ðŸ˜ŪðŸ˜ŪðŸ˜Ū, nice shirt 👕.
You went with a medium?
It's a bit formfitting,
but that's 'cause 🎗 we're required to wear protective vests under our...
No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ. Not buying it. No ðŸ˜Ģ.
'Cause 🎗🎗🎗 I don't see 👁👁 any vest underneath here 👈👈, so...
No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, but it's a thick T-shirt 👕👕. Basically like 😄😄 a thermal they have ðŸˆķðŸˆķðŸˆķ you wear.
Nope 🙅. Nope 🙅🙅. No ðŸ˜Ģ.
I don't understand why ðŸĪ” you're 👉 laughing ðŸĪĢ. I just called you fat.
I'm not laughing ðŸĪĢðŸĪĢ.
Yeah 🙌, whatever. Amy.
Hey 👋, everyone's going to American ðŸ—― Joe's tonight, and I want 😋 to see 👁 you there.
Okay 👌👌? We're gonna split some onion strings.
Wow ðŸ˜Ū. Wow ðŸ˜ŪðŸ˜Ū.
Good 👌👍ðŸū.
Good 👌👍ðŸū hang.
Wow ðŸ˜ŪðŸ˜Ū, yeah 🙌. That's great 🇎🇧.
Hey 👋, Blart, they need you at Victoria's Secret 😉.
Okay 👌, roger that.
Okay 👌👌👌, I gotta go.
Okay 👌👌. Bye.
Ladies. Problem ⚠ïļâš ïļ.
What 😅's the genesis?
She's trying to take the last push ✋-up ☝ bra in this ⮆ size.
There's gonna be a new 🆕 shipment tomorrow. They'll be here 👈👈 by noon 🕛.
Well, I need this ⮆ one 1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ now. I have ðŸˆķ a date ðŸ‘ŦðŸ‘ŦðŸ‘Ŧ tonight.
Really? Is ðŸˆķ he blind ðŸĶ‡?
Whoa ðŸ˜Ū! Waterproof shoes 👠 and Baggies on 🔛🔛 the socks ðŸ§ĶðŸ§Ķ.
Not my first ðŸĨ‡ðŸĨ‡ðŸĨ‡ rodeo.
Okay 👌, ladies, need to see 👁👁👁 some ID 🆔.
No ðŸ˜Ģ, you don't.
Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have ðŸˆķ the authority to make a citizen's arrest ðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļ.
So does anyone. I could arrest ðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļ you right 👉👉👉 now.
Can I see 👁 you for a second ðŸĨˆðŸĨˆ, please 🙏, ma'am?
Look 👁👁, I understand your 👉 sensitivity.
I've 🙋 had some issues with weight ⚖ myself.
I'm just saying I've 🙋 been down ⮇⮇ that road ðŸ›Ģ.
I mean 😏😏😏... I mean 😏😏, I'm still on 🔛🔛 it. We both are, you know ðŸĪ”? Stranded.
Let's face 😀😀😀 it, we eat ðŸ― to fill a void, right 👉👉?
But as soon 🔜🔜🔜 as I started eating healthier,
I noticed I wasn't so moody.
And PS, your 👉 skin's gonna clear up ☝☝☝.
Ma'am.
You...
She's got tremendous upper body strength.
Backup! Backup!
She's biting my neck ðŸ§Ģ. She's biting my neck ðŸ§ĢðŸ§Ģ.
Backup!
Backup! Backup!
Look 👁, I know ðŸĪ” you're 👉 new 🆕 here 👈👈 and all,
but "backup" seems like 😄😄 a pretty universal term.
Hey 👋. Can I give you a lift?
What 😅, on 🔛 that?
With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no ðŸ˜Ģ,
but with me, you'll be as safe as the President 👑.
I don't know ðŸĪ”. Couldn't that get 🉐 you fired?
Yes 👍👍, it could.
Okay 👌👌.
And here 👈👈 you go. Safe and sound 👂.
Fun 💃💃💃 fact for you, a lot of people ðŸ‘Ŧ think ðŸĪ” the Mustang was named after the horse ðŸī.
It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang.
Well, thank 🙏 you for the ride, Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―. That was so much fun 💃💃.
No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ problem ⚠ïļâš ïļ.
Listen 👂👂👂,
if you ever, you know ðŸĪ”, need rides anywhere,
Dispatch, they can get 🉐 me. You know ðŸĪ”.
Yeah 🙌, and I'll punch my number in.
Left 👈 it in the casuals. You know ðŸĪ” what 😅?
Just give me your 👉 number and I'll remember it.
Now I'm ready.
...01... ...01...
...78. - Eight 8ïļâƒĢ. Got it.
That's it. It's locked.
Great 🇎🇧, so I'll see 👁👁 you tonight at American ðŸ—―ðŸ—― Joe's, right 👉?
Yeah 🙌, I mean 😏😏, everybody's going, so...
Yeah 🙌, I'm there.
Good 👌👍ðŸū to be here 👈👈.
I'm sorry 💔, what 😅 were you saying?
No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, I was just saying that
the first ðŸĨ‡ American ðŸ—― Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972.
And most people ðŸ‘ŦðŸ‘Ŧ, because of its service 🛎 and theme,
think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ” that it's derivative of Abe and Louie's, but it's not.
It's its own thing.
You really know ðŸĪ” a lot of facts, Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―.
Hey 👋, Blart, I heard you got your 👉 ass 🍑 handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret 😉😉.
Well, I don't hit 👊👊 women ðŸ‘ĩðŸ‘ĩðŸ‘ĩ,
Hey 👋, why ðŸĪ” don't you go over to the bar ðŸŽŊ and grab yourself one 1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ of those girly drinks?
Hey 👋, listen 👂, I... We're basically already together, so...
I wasn't... I didn't even realize that.
I just want 😋 you to grab a hold of it, tight.
I mean 😏😏, it's not like 😄😄😄 you really had a chance, okay 👌?
Security ðŸ›Ą guard? Really.
But you're 👉 a pen 🖊 salesman, dude.
Yeah 🙌, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat ðŸ―ðŸ― me.
All right 👉, bro 💊. Back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļ off. You know ðŸĪ”, we're all just here 👈👈 having fun 💃.
Okay 👌, bro 💊.
What 😅?
Hey 👋, thanks 🙏 for getting my back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļ there, brother.
Security ðŸ›ĄðŸ›Ą blood 💉💉💉 runs deep between... Yeah 🙌, let's just go.
Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay 👌👌.
And, go!
Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew.
I know ðŸĪ”.
Told you, boy ðŸ‘ķ. You better hurry up ☝☝.
There you go. Nachos in my face 😀😀.
Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot 😅😅.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot 😅😅 pepper.
Nachos are good 👌👍ðŸū, man ðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘Ķ.
Better inform all your 👉 friends, boy ðŸ‘ķ. Nachos about to be gone.
You're 👉 lagging behind.
Come on 🔛🔛🔛, Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―. Playing games.
I love 😍 these nachos, I'll tell ðŸ—Ģ you that much.
Twist it.
Feel the nub.
You want 😋 fruit 🍏🍏?
Bye! You blinked! You blinked.
Time ⌚ to pluck the grape from the vine.
Still got the Baggies! Hot 😅😅 jiggity.
Coming on 🔛 the left 👈.
False alarm ðŸšĻ.
Told my mom 👊 everything about us.
What 😅 are you talking about?
You're 👉 acting 🎭🎭 coy. Come on 🔛. It's natural.
You know ðŸĪ”. You so know ðŸĪ”.
No ðŸ˜Ģ, I'm sorry 💔, Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―. I don't know ðŸĪ”.
Snap. Pop goes the weasel.
So happy 😀😀😀!
Yeah 🙌!
Yeah 🙌!
I believe in magic ðŸŽĐðŸŽĐðŸŽĐ!
No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ way ↕ïļâ†•ïļ!
I'm sorry 💔💔 it didn't work 💞 out 🏎🏍, dear.
It's fine, Ma.
Yeah 🙌, I don't think ðŸĪ” so, sweetheart. I think ðŸĪ” I'm just gonna turn in.
Well, how ðŸĪ” about something special 🌟 for lunch ðŸĨŠðŸĨŠ tomorrow to cheer you up ☝☝?
I don't think ðŸĪ” so, Ma. It's fine.
If something's gonna work 💞💞, it would be the sloppy joe.
But that would probably... You know ðŸĪ”.
You know ðŸĪ”, if you're 👉 doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet ðŸŊ potato ðŸĨ”ðŸĨ”ðŸĨ” fries 🍟.
But it... Whatever, you know ðŸĪ”. Well done. Yeah 🙌.
Maya. Hey 👋.
Dad ðŸ‘Ļ. I'm so sorry 💔.
It's okay 👌👌.
There are other fish 🐟🐟🐟 in the sea ðŸĶ‘.
You just gotta keep looking.
And it doesn't matter what 😅 you do.
Because once someone takes the time ⌚ to get 🉐 to know ðŸĪ” the real you,
all bets are off.
If it doesn't work 💞💞 out 🏎🏍, you'll always 🕔 have ðŸˆķðŸˆķðŸˆķ us.
I'm sorry 💔💔, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear 👂 a word you were saying.
You just have ðŸˆķ to...
Is ðŸˆķ that a tattoo?
I... Yeah 🙌, yeah 🙌, it is ðŸˆķ.
When ⏰ did you get 🉐 it?
It's the Loch Ness monster ðŸ‘đðŸ‘đðŸ‘đ.
I don't drink ðŸđ.
That was
a little weird 😕 the other night ðŸ˜īðŸ˜ī, huh 😕?
Yeah 🙌, you know ðŸĪ”, it had its moments. Yeah 🙌.
Was one 1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ of them when ⏰ I tried to make out 🏎🏍 with your 👉 purse 👛?
You see 👁, alcohol 🍚🍚 instantly turns to sugar in the blood 💉.
And what 😅 happens is ðŸˆķ the capillaries...
Yeah 🙌, look 👁👁. A lot of people ðŸ‘Ŧ...
Pretty much everybody, you know ðŸĪ”, tends to write ✍ me off.
And if you did, too, believe me, I get 🉐🉐🉐 it.
I just... I guess what 😅 I'm asking is ðŸˆķ that you don't.
Okay 👌👌. You know ðŸĪ”, I'm sorry 💔, I've 🙋 just...
I've 🙋 gotta cash ðŸĶðŸĶðŸĶ my paycheck ðŸ’ļ before the bank ðŸĶ closes. I'm...
No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ problem ⚠ïļ. Maybe we could talk ðŸ—ĢðŸ—Ģ later or something?
You know ðŸĪ”, Paul ðŸ‘―, everybody texts these days.
I can't believe you don't have ðŸˆķðŸˆķ a cell phone ðŸĪģðŸĪģðŸĪģ.
I'm not about all this ⮆ technology ðŸ“ąðŸ“ą, Vijay.
I prefer face 😀-to-face 😀 interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment.
300 bucks?
I dug myself into a really deep hole â›ģâ›ģâ›ģ with this ⮆ girl ðŸ‘ķ, you gotta help 🆘 me. Please 🙏🙏🙏.
Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―, you've always 🕔 been a straight shooter, so I'll tell ðŸ—Ģ you what 😅.
Why ðŸĪ” don't you take my daughter Parisa's phone ðŸĪģ?
I'm punishing her.
No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ. What 😅 with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,
she went over her minutes.
When ⏰ and if she decides to turn her life 💓 around, I'll simply take it back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļâŽ…ïļ.
Until then, you use it.
Hey 👋. It's too late 🕐🕐 to go in that way ↕ïļâ†•ïļ, guys. It's closed.
Hey 👋, yo 👋, Paul ðŸ‘―. Come here 👈👈, man ðŸ‘Ķ.
Look 👁, I know ðŸĪ” you been feeling down ⮇⮇, so I got this ⮆ for you.
"The Devil 😈's Crotch."
Feel the burn, baby ðŸ‘ķ.
Yeah 🙌.
You need a pen 🖊🖊, don't you?
You know ðŸĪ” what 😅? No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, I'm good 👌👍ðŸū.
Yes 👍. The Summit 5280 fountain â›ē.
How ðŸĪ” would you like 😄 to sign ⛎⛎ your 👉 name with this ⮆ panther?
You know ðŸĪ” what 😅? More ➕➕ than anything.
It's yours 👉. I insist.
Oh, hey 👋, guys.
Yeah 🙌.
Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―. Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―, can you help 🆘 me out 🏎🏍?
I need to shoot ðŸ’Ŧ over to the bank ðŸĶðŸĶðŸĶ for a minute.
There's a few kids ðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘Ķ inside, just finishing up ☝☝☝ their games.
Could you close up ☝ the arcade ðŸ‘ū for me?
You know ðŸĪ”, video 📞📞📞 game ðŸŽąðŸŽą might cheer you right 👉👉 up ☝☝☝.
Nah, I'm on 🔛 duty.
Welcome to the games!
Get 🉐🉐 set.
Go.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.
Game ðŸŽąðŸŽą over.
We are ready.
Let's do this ⮆.
Attention shoppers.
Please 🙏🙏 make your 👉 way ↕ïļâ†•ïļâ†•ïļ to the nearest exits.
Unfortunately, the mall 🏎 will be closing early 🕐🕐.
Everybody out 🏎🏍, now!
You, too!
Hi 👋. Hey 👋! Hey 👋! You got me...
I'm at the West Orange 🍊 Pavilion Mall 🏎🏎.
Hey 👋, yo 👋. Hey 👋, there's some crazy ðŸĪŠðŸĪŠ-ass 🍑 people ðŸ‘Ŧ trying to take over the mall 🏎.
Tell ðŸ—Ģ them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages.
What 😅 are you doing? Get 🉐 down ⮇⮇.
Oh, my God.
Surprised ðŸ˜ēðŸ˜ē? I know ðŸĪ”.
But here 👈👈's the craziest part.
I'm the leader 👑.
Reports are, they're inside the bank ðŸĶðŸĶðŸĶ and they got hostages.
This ⮆ is ðŸˆķ Sergeant Howard. I need four 4ïļâƒĢ4ïļâƒĢ units around the back ⮅ïļ to secure the perimeter.
See 👁👁 if we can establish visual. Report back ⮅ïļ to me immediately.
Let's get 🉐🉐 all these civilians out 🏎🏍 of here 👈👈.
See 👁👁 if we can gain access into the loading dock.
Hello 👋👋👋?
Feeling alive?
I'm sorry 💔💔?
Parisa.
She makes you feel alive, doesn't she?
This ⮆ must be Pahud. Pahud, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, I'm not with Parisa.
My name's Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘― Blart.
Parisa's dad ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ took her cell phone ðŸĪģ away, and he lent it to me.
Do not lie ðŸĪĨðŸĪĨ to me, Paul ðŸ‘― Blart. Do not lie ðŸĪĨðŸĪĨ to me.
You are probably sweating over her right 👉 now.
I'm not lying.
I mean 😏, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone.
That woman 👧 is ðŸˆķ like 😄😄 an angelic goddess who 💁 only brings goodness to this ⮆ world 🌎🌎🌎.
Plus, she has some crazy ðŸĪŠ sexy feet ðŸšķ‍♀ïļðŸšķ‍♀ïļ.
Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―, the pain of this ⮆ breakup is ðŸˆķ far too much for me to bear ðŸŧ, man ðŸ‘ĶðŸ‘Ķ.
Pahud, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ one 1ïļâƒĢ can blame you for being upset 😞😞.
I mean 😏, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak 💔💔 to the mix.
Wow ðŸ˜ŪðŸ˜Ū. Them's some heavy words 🆔🆔, Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘― Blart.
Hey 👋, life 💓 is ðŸˆķ heavy.
Indeed. Now, you are at the mall 🏎, huh 😕?
So why ðŸĪ” do you not head 💆 over to Orange 🍊 Julius,
call up ☝☝ my friend ðŸķ Sameer Oh?
Tell ðŸ—Ģ him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up ☝☝☝.
Wait 🚏🚏 a second ðŸĨˆðŸĨˆ. How ðŸĪ”'d you know ðŸĪ” I was at the mall 🏎?
I track Parisa's phone ðŸĪģ with GPS 🛰. Don't you judge me.
Closing time ⌚ already.
Okay 👌, there are 223 stores in this ⮆ mall 🏎.
Here 👈👈 is ðŸˆķ a list of the 15 that I need you to hit 👊👊.
And 15 for you.
Okay 👌.
Now this ⮆ is ðŸˆķ the key 🔑🔑🔑 to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine ðŸĪ–ðŸĪ–.
They change 📈 every day, so make sure
that you bring me back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļâŽ…ïļ the codes for today, Friday.
Veck, six 6ïļâƒĢ6ïļâƒĢ guys in standard formation 💎, just like 😄 you said.
Perfect 👌.
Bomb ðŸ’ĨðŸ’Ĩ! Bomb ðŸ’Ĩ! Bomb ðŸ’Ĩ! Bomb ðŸ’Ĩ!
And these little piggies went all the way ↕ïļâ†•ïļâ†•ïļ home 👊.
Do it.
Gary usually delivers the leftovers ðŸĨĄ to the Mission.
Hey 👋, everyone. A couple 👰 requests.
Kindly tie up ☝☝ the person ðŸ‘ĪðŸ‘Ī beside you, keep your 👉 mouths shut,
give up ☝ your 👉 cell phones, and as a general ðŸĪ· rule, do as I say ðŸ—ĢðŸ—ĢðŸ—Ģ.
You do all these things... Well, you'll be back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļâŽ…ïļ at home 👊👊 in no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ time ⌚⌚.
Back ⮅ïļ to your 👉 mediocre lives.
I was hoping that you and I could have ðŸˆķ a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on 🔛🔛.
You know ðŸĪ”, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course.
What 😅 do you say ðŸ—Ģ?
Go to hell.
Ouch.
Hey 👋, Stewie, you don't mind ðŸĪŊ that I'm hitting on 🔛 your 👉 girlfriend, do you?
What 😅? No ðŸ˜Ģ. She's not my girlfriend.
But I specifically heard you say ðŸ—Ģ that you two ✌ were "basically together."
No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ. I didn't say ðŸ—ĢðŸ—Ģ that we were together. I said that she's into leather.
Have ðŸˆķ at it. If you...
God, you're 👉 an idiot 😜.
Hello 👋👋👋?
This ⮆ is ðŸˆķ Sergeant Howard of the West Orange 🍊 Police ðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļ Department.
Yeah 🙌, well, so here 👈👈's the deal.
As you learned the hard way ↕ïļâ†•ïļâ†•ïļ, I have ðŸˆķ motion sensors by all the doors,
so if you wanna enter â†Đïļâ†Đïļâ†Đïļ my mall 🏎,
you might as well bring at least six 6ïļâƒĢ6ïļâƒĢ6ïļâƒĢ body bags.
He's drilling the safe, and they have ðŸˆķðŸˆķ eyes ðŸĪĐðŸĪĐ on 🔛 us.
See 👁👁 if we can tap ðŸšą into the security ðŸ›Ą cameras.
Now look 👁, no ðŸ˜Ģ one 1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ's gonna try and enter â†Đïļ the mall 🏎🏎.
Is ðŸˆķ there anything you need? Do you need any food 🐟? Do you need any water 💧?
Oh, man ðŸ‘Ķ. This ⮆ dude doesn't deviate from the book 📖 at all.
You know ðŸĪ”, since you're 👉 asking, I would love 😍😍 a Happy 😀 Meal ðŸ―,
you know ðŸĪ”, but... Make sure the toy 🎎 is ðŸˆķ the sea ðŸĶ‘ðŸĶ‘ monster ðŸ‘đðŸ‘đðŸ‘đ,
'cause 🎗🎗 I already have ðŸˆķ the dragon 🐉🐉.
Okay 👌👌, okay 👌👌, now what 😅 is ðŸˆķ it you really want 😋?
Silence ðŸ“īðŸ“īðŸ“ī.
Hey 👋, I'm sorry 💔, mall 🏎's closed,
but I can help 🆘 you find 🔍🔍🔍 the nearest exit 🚊 if you just tell ðŸ—Ģ me where ðŸĪ· you parked.
Sweet ðŸŊ mercy.
This ⮆ is ðŸˆķ not happening, this ⮆ is ðŸˆķ not happening, this ⮆ is ðŸˆķ...
Oh, God. All right 👉👉, think ðŸĪ”, Paul ðŸ‘―, think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”.
Now what 😅 are you trained to do?
Nothing 🈚🈚.
Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it.
Yo 👋, we got a straggler.
I don't know ðŸĪ”. Give up ☝, I guess.
Guys, what 😅 is ðŸˆķ wrong with you? We stick to the plan.
We got a 911 ðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļ operator connecting us with some guy ðŸ‘Ķ named Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘― Barth.
He says he's a security ðŸ›ĄðŸ›Ą officer in the mall 🏎🏎🏎.
Hey 👋. Blart? He's one 1ïļâƒĢ of my guys.
Paul ðŸ‘―, this ⮆ is ðŸˆķ Sergeant Howard of West Orange 🍊🍊 Police ðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļðŸ‘Ū‍♀ïļ Department.
The mall 🏎🏎🏎 has been taken over, and they have ðŸˆķðŸˆķ hostages.
I need you to exit 🚊🚊 the building 🏭 immediately.
We don't need any wild ðŸŧðŸŧ cards 🃏🃏🃏 in this ⮆ situation.
Copy that. Never ❌ been a wild ðŸŧ card.
Unless you consider ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ” the game ðŸŽą of Uno wild ðŸŧ.
Okay 👌, okay 👌👌. Come on 🔛🔛, don't die ⚰. Don't die ⚰⚰⚰.
Blart.
Don't pee. Don't pee.
Guys, motion detector just went off at Door 🔑🔑🔑 26. Everybody on 🔛 it.
Amy.
What 😅 the hell is ðŸˆķ he doing? Come on 🔛!
Blart, come on 🔛🔛!
Is ðŸˆķ he crying 😂?
Blart, get 🉐🉐🉐 back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļ! Will you talk ðŸ—ĢðŸ—ĢðŸ—Ģ to him, please 🙏🙏🙏?
Blart, this ⮆ is ðŸˆķ Brooks. What 😅's going on 🔛🔛?
Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ, I took a sworn oath to protect this ⮆ mall 🏎 and all inside it.
What 😅 oath? We don't have ðŸˆķðŸˆķ an oath.
I sort of made up ☝☝ my own. It's on 🔛🔛🔛 a plaque in my room.
Listen 👂, I think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ” you're 👉 making a big mistake.
SWAT's on 🔛🔛🔛 the way ↕ïļ.
And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you're 👉 untrained, you're 👉 unarmed,
and let's face 😀😀😀 it, son, you present 🎁 a huge target ðŸŽŊ.
With all due respect, sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ, I can't observe and report from the outside.
Over.
Well, Sergeant, looks like 😄😄 you got your 👉 eyes ðŸĪĐðŸĪĐ on 🔛🔛 the inside.
Amy, Paul ðŸ‘― Blart here 👈👈. Are you still in the mall 🏎🏎🏎?
Send.
Got him.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”. Think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”. Think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”, think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”, think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”, think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”, think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”, think ðŸĪ”, think ðŸĪ”! Think ðŸĪ”ðŸĪ”!
Hold it together.
Heart 😍😍😍 of a warrior.
I missed lunch ðŸĨŠðŸĨŠðŸĨŠ.
Thank 🙏 you.
This ⮆ isn't happening, this ⮆ is ðŸˆķ not happening.
Hey 👋! Don't make this ⮆ hard.
You like 😄😄 that?
Brooks, I took out 🏎🏍 a girl ðŸ‘ķ, but the guy ðŸ‘Ķ, he ran away.
But let the record 🎎🎎🎎 show 📚📚, I did not hit 👊👊 a woman 👧👧👧. I just...
I put all my weight ⚖⚖ on 🔛🔛🔛 her.
Oh, Paul ðŸ‘―.
No ðŸ˜Ģ, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, no ðŸ˜Ģ. She's fine, she's fine.
Well, good 👌👍ðŸū, let's get 🉐 you out 🏎🏍 of there.
No ðŸ˜Ģ can do, sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ. I am gonna finish what 😅 I started.
What 😅 the heck is ðŸˆķ this ⮆?
Give me that.
Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―, this ⮆ is ðŸˆķ Sergeant Howard again.
Since you refuse to come out 🏎🏍, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank ðŸĶ
and find 🔍🔍 out 🏎🏍 where ðŸĪ· they're holding the hostages.
With honor, sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ.
Good 👌👍ðŸū to know ðŸĪ”.
Hey 👋, I haven't heard back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļ from Donner or Vixen.
Okay 👌👌. I'm calling ðŸ“ē an audible here 👈👈, everyone.
And I need to get 🉐 this ⮆ mall 🏎🏎 locked down ⮇⮇ from the inside immediately.
Why ðŸĪ” don't we just start 🆕 wasting hostages? That'll stop ✋✋ them.
Well, that's one 1ïļâƒĢ way ↕ïļâ†•ïļ to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside.
I'm Commander Kent. My team ðŸ‘Ĩ is ðŸˆķ deploying. I need this ⮆ location 🗚 secured.
and get 🉐 all these people ðŸ‘ŦðŸ‘ŦðŸ‘Ŧ out 🏎🏍 of here 👈👈.
Whoa ðŸ˜ŪðŸ˜Ū, whoa ðŸ˜Ū, this ⮆ is ðŸˆķ all done already.
My men ðŸ‘ī are gonna do it again, the right 👉👉 way ↕ïļâ†•ïļ.
Have ðŸˆķ your 👉 guys fall 🍁 back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļ, now. Have ðŸˆķ there been any demands?
I got snipers at the ready, communications in check.
Let's tap ðŸšąðŸšą into security ðŸ›Ą now, and let's get 🉐 some visuals.
You can't. They knocked out 🏎🏍 the video 📞 cameras.
I'll be ready to take on 🔛-scene command in three 3ïļâƒĢ3ïļâƒĢ, two ✌, one 1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ. I'm in charge.
Brooks, I'm observing the bank ðŸĶ now.
They got one 1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ assailant guarding the hostages.
There she is ðŸˆķ.
My, God. You are my angel 😇 pie ðŸĨ§ðŸĨ§ðŸĨ§.
Here 👈👈 come the love 😍 sweats.
Paul ðŸ‘―, your 👉 radio ðŸ“ŧðŸ“ŧ's still on 🔛.
Roger that.
Don't tell ðŸ—Ģ me one 1ïļâƒĢ of your 👉 beat cops is ðŸˆķ trying to be a hero.
No ðŸ˜Ģ, he's neither. His name is ðŸˆķ Blart. He's one 1ïļâƒĢ of my security ðŸ›Ą guards.
Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser ðŸģ in high 🆙🆙🆙 school 🎓. Give me that.
Blart.
This ⮆ is ðŸˆķ Commander James Kent. New 🆕🆕 Jersey ðŸ‡Ŋ🇊ðŸ‡Ŋ🇊ðŸ‡Ŋ🇊 SWAT.
We went to high 🆙 school 🎓🎓🎓 together. Remember?
I set you on 🔛🔛🔛 fire ðŸ”ĨðŸ”ĨðŸ”Ĩ at the pancake festival 🎅?
Oh, yeah 🙌. Hey 👋, Jimmy.
Go Green ðŸĪĒðŸĪĒ Hawks.
Yeah 🙌, listen 👂👂. I've 🙋 got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out 🏎🏍 here 👈👈.
At my command, we are retaking this ⮆ location 🗚,
and there's no ðŸ˜Ģ way ↕ïļ I'm compromising this ⮆ mission so that some mall 🏎 monitor ðŸ’ŧðŸ’ŧðŸ’ŧ
who 💁 used to eat ðŸ―ðŸ― lunch ðŸĨŠðŸĨŠ with his imaginary friend ðŸķðŸķ can screw it up ☝.
Sorry 💔💔, Jimmy, I had the button âšŦ pressed. All I heard was "lunch ðŸĨŠ" and "friend ðŸķðŸķ."
Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļ on 🔛?
Listen 👂👂👂 to me, Blart,
you are no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is ðŸˆķ that clear?
Hello 👋?
Hello 👋?
Yeah 🙌? Oh, hey 👋, Paul ðŸ‘―ðŸ‘―, how ðŸĪ” you doing?
Well, it looks like 😄😄 they moved the hostages into the teller area.
I'm gonna get 🉐🉐 a closer look 👁👁.
Veck.
There he is ðŸˆķ!
Let's get 🉐🉐🉐 in the back ⮅ïļ, huh 😕?
Brooks. I lost ðŸģ visual on 🔛🔛 the hostages. I couldn't get 🉐🉐 them out 🏎🏍.
But I know ðŸĪ” who 💁 the leader 👑 is ðŸˆķ. It's Veck.
Veck? The trainee?
I'll pass ðŸŽŦðŸŽŦ it on 🔛 to Howard.
Oh, God.
Trapped is ðŸˆķ fine by me.
Commence tanning. Three 3ïļâƒĢ3ïļâƒĢ, two ✌, one 1ïļâƒĢ.
Yeah 🙌!
Yes 👍👍!
Time ⌚ for some big-game ðŸŽąðŸŽą hunting.
Open 👐👐, open 👐, open 👐👐! Thank 🙏 God.
Oh, no ðŸ˜Ģ.
Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ! Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ! Sir ðŸ‘Ļ! Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ! Sir ðŸ‘Ļ! Sir ðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘ĻðŸ‘Ļ! We get 🉐🉐🉐 it!
Get 🉐🉐🉐 him! Get 🉐 him! Get 🉐 him!
You better run 🏃.
Amy, huh 😕? What 😅 a coincidence.
We got a cute little redhead down ⮇⮇ at the bank ðŸĶ named Amy.
Well, I guess I know ðŸĪ” who 💁 I'm killing first ðŸĨ‡.
Well, it looks like 😄 you just ran out 🏎🏍 of mall 🏎🏎.
It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing.
You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this ⮆.
Nobody wins with a head 💆 butt.
What 😅 are you talking about? Every kid ðŸ‘Ķ has a cell phone ðŸĪģðŸĪģ.
I prefer handwritten sentiments.
Who 💁 are these sloppy joes for? And who 💁 gave you this ⮆?
They're mine. I'm late 🕐 for my shift at Foot Locker.
We're getting the leader 👑 on 🔛 the horn ðŸĶ. He wants to talk ðŸ—ĢðŸ—Ģ to you.
Silence ðŸ“īðŸ“ī, my ass 🍑.
What 😅's the matter? Throw a few jabs your 👉 way ↕ïļ,
you curl up ☝ in a corner, suck 😜ðŸ’Ķ your 👉 thumb?
If you don't go toe-to-toe with that scumbag,
he's gonna roll 😋 over on 🔛 you all night ðŸ˜īðŸ˜ī long.
It's all right 👉👉. That's not my style 💈.
Well, just in case, I wrote down ⮇⮇ a couple 👰 of clever comebacks, like 😄😄...
Here 👈👈.
This ⮆ is ðŸˆķ what 😅 you been doing?
"Yeah 🙌, you and what 😅 army 🎖?"
Everyone deserves a card on 🔛🔛🔛 their birthday 🎂.
So when ⏰ you and Rudolph were laughing ðŸĪĢðŸĪĢ it up ☝☝ back ⮅ïļ at the crib
about how ðŸĪ” easy all this ⮆ was gonna be, were you guys like 😄😄😄,
"Man ðŸ‘Ķ, any brain 🧠🧠-dead 💀 mall 🏎🏎 cop that gets in the way ↕ïļâ†•ïļâ†•ïļ is ðŸˆķ gonna get 🉐 smoked"?
And then... And then what 😅? You guys all high 🆙-fived?
But sadly, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ codes!
And I'd say ðŸ—Ģ, considering all the luxury items that I have ðŸˆķ stacked up ☝☝
in my Amazon shopping 👖👖 cart, situation unacceptable!
No ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, no ðŸ˜Ģ, no ðŸ˜Ģ, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ, no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ. He looking.
Give me a gun ðŸ”Ŧ.
Put it down ⮇⮇. Put it down ⮇⮇.
What 😅 are you nodding about?
I was just wondering, were you serious 😒😒 about that Happy 😀😀 Meal ðŸ―?
It isn't coming, is ðŸˆķ it?
What 😅?
This ⮆ is ðŸˆķ Commander James Kent, New 🆕🆕 Jersey ðŸ‡Ŋ🇊ðŸ‡Ŋ🇊ðŸ‡Ŋ🇊 SWAT.
You wanted ⚠ to speak ðŸ“Ē to me?
I just wanna make sure that no ðŸ˜ĢðŸ˜Ģ one 1ïļâƒĢ1ïļâƒĢ does anything stupid.
You should know ðŸĪ” my men ðŸ‘īðŸ‘īðŸ‘ī are deployed and ready to bring this ⮆ thing to a resolution.
The easy way ↕ïļ or the hard way ↕ïļâ†•ïļ.
That is ðŸˆķ such a tough call, but...
Yeah 🙌, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above 🆙🆙!
I'm Amy, by the way ↕ïļ.
I'm Maya. My father ðŸ‘Ļ talked forever about you.
And I gotta say ðŸ—ĢðŸ—Ģ, he really does like 😄😄 you.
I'm gonna throw up ☝☝.
Oh, that's not so bad 📉.
Oh, my God.
They've got his daughter.
Don't worry about me, okay 👌? I'm worried 😟😟 about you.
I love 😍 you. All right 👉, now, I'm gonna get 🉐 you all out 🏎🏍.
You just hang in there, okay 👌👌👌, sweetie?
I will. I'm a Blart, remember?
Yeah 🙌. I'll see 👁 you soon 🔜.
I'm supposed to be on 🔛🔛 my way ↕ïļâ†•ïļ to the Cayman 🇰ðŸ‡ū🇰ðŸ‡ū Islands ðŸ‡ĶðŸ‡―ðŸ‡ĶðŸ‡―ðŸ‡ĶðŸ‡― with the hostages.
And where ðŸĪ· the hell is ðŸˆķ Rudolph? He should be back ⮅ïļâŽ…ïļâŽ…ïļ by now.
"If Veck gets the codes, he's taking us to Cayman 🇰ðŸ‡ū🇰ðŸ‡ū🇰ðŸ‡ū Islands ðŸ‡ĶðŸ‡―"?
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show 📚.
Come and get 🉐🉐🉐 me, Veck.
I got your 👉 codes for the credit-card machines.
That's who 💁's been screwing all this ⮆ up ☝☝☝? You have ðŸˆķ got to be kidding me.
Give me a radio ðŸ“ŧ.
Let me tell ðŸ—Ģ you something.
You take hostages in my mall 🏎🏎, you are making a big mistake.
You seriously undermissed...
And you seriously...
Oh, no ðŸ˜Ģ!
Blart?
Sugar. Sugar.
Blart? You there, Blart?
Hello 👋, Blart. You there?
Hey 👋, Blart!
I was hoping we could get 🉐🉐🉐 an ETA of when ⏰ you're 👉 gonna give up ☝☝.
How ðŸĪ” about now?
submitted by TheMy5teryMan to emojipasta [link] [comments]


2017.07.12 03:43 ailsayxh A high-end dating site is more worthy of investment

The economic downturn, the surge in unemployment, the loss of people began to find comfort on the Internet. This is also the main reason for the rapid increase in traffic on the online dating site. "I just lost my job, and now it was Christmas, and I felt very lonely." 24 - year - old Miller Kate exclaimed, "It 's also important to find a boyfriend while looking for a job.
Now online dating site 60 million new users per month, Miller is one of them. Match.com, the largest online dating site in the United States, collects $ 35 a month from its members, saying the number of registered members in November was the highest in seven years. Perfectmatch.com said the site's registered users increased by 47%.
Psychotherapist Martha Leibmann has witnessed more and more single people finding the other half on the web in recent years. "In times of economic downturn, people are eager to get comfort and comfort in this way, and even in times of economic prosperity, many people still have a sense of loneliness, but this loneliness is magnified in a recession," she said. A recent survey by Opinion Research, a market research firm, confirms Martha's view. The survey involved 1092 respondents. When asked whether the next year will maintain this online dating relationship, those who think that the current economic situation so that they feel great pressure on the people that will maintain this relationship, and the ratio of those who think that the current situation so that they are not under pressure Of people 14% higher. Manhattan psychologist Kevin R. Kulic argues that barrier-free online dating is a great choice for newly unemployed singles.
Even for people with stable work, online dating has a big advantage over traditional dating: save money. Affected by the economic crisis, the real estate industry is also sluggish, 32 - year - old real estate agent Julian Glasser to cut spending, changed the way dating. He said: "Now, I was in the bar or club dating girls reduced the number of times, I often at home online to find favorite girlfriend." In the past, Glasser weekly for a variety of dating costs hundreds of dollars, and now He only makes $ 50 a month for online dating. I personally think that a high-end dating site is more worthy of investment, because the inside of the registered members will be better and better, to date the probability of success will be greater, here is a good site to see a good look. http://datingrichbeauty.com
submitted by ailsayxh to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2017.01.09 01:15 kekko11 Mall cop script

Paul Blart: Mall Cop Script - Dialogue Transcript
Let's go! Move it!
50 more yards!
All right, let's go! Pick it up!
You're running out of time, Bryant!
Make it all the way around the track! Come on!
You want to be troopers? You better move it!
All right, next, get up here!
Let's hit it now.
Dean, come on!
All right. You've all completed the written exam.
However, you must now pass the obstacle course
to be admitted into the training program.
And remember, survive this,
and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.
Yeah.
Sorry about the test, Dad.
We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.
Mine is named hypoglycemia.
Well, that's why you always have to have sugar nearby.
Are you gonna have pie?
Not tonight, Ma.
I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie.
You...
No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.
and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now,
and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go.
It really helps heal.
And, you know, not always, but sometimes,
you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, "Whatever."
Kids don't talk like that.
Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?
I hear them in the mall. You know?
Peanut butter.
It just fills the cracks of the heart.
Go away, pain.
Oh, no. Come on, Ma.
I'm not ready for this right now.
We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone.
But I'm not alone.
I've got you two. You know?
And besides, Black Friday's coming,
so my dance card's gonna be pretty full.
What? It's the busiest shopping day of the year.
Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians.
I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday's coming."
"Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me Black Friday's coming.
"Why do you think I've been walking around here
"with the eyes of an eagle?"
with being happy for the rest of your life?
You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a girlfriend by November,
"I'll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com."
That was last year.
Okay.
"What are you looking for in a woman?"
Well, your mother certainly had something special.
Yeah, illegal immigrant status.
She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us.
That's not entirely true.
We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me.
She gave me you.
Okay, next question. "Tell us about yourself."
Let's see.
I know a lot about sharks.
Let me stop you right there.
Well-built and a great hugger.
Awesome, Grandma.
Not as awesome as this.
What are you doing?
Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back.
Ma, no.
I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"?
Well, that is exactly what we want.
Eyes on the prize.
And don't worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts.
Dear God!
Hey! Back away from the vehicle.
Oh, dear God. Please.
Chompers, get down!
Hey, you know where a men's room is?
I do. You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.
They got 12 stalls and heated seats.
Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!
Okay, my lip is numb.
All righty.
Hey.
Yeah, I know.
That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan.
... he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board...
He keeps the play alive.
What is this?
That's my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy's
down through the specialty shops.
You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court,
it's gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration.
It's your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario.
Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us?
Safety never takes a holiday.
Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?
Blart.
This is Sims. He's a new trainee. Let him trail you today.
Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran.
Wow. Veck Sims.
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let's mount up.
Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff.
That's it. Treat her gentle, son.
Slap it, honor it.
So what made you want to pursue security?
I never finished high school. This is all I could get.
Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself.
Right now, I'm goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia.
Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.
My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears.
They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard.
I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard.
My uncle can. Stay snug.
Now, in the event that you approach an assailant,
here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up,
left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly,
giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know
you don't.
Okay? But you know what we do have?
Our voices! We have our voices.
If you remember one thing from today, it's this.
The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster.
Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch?
Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time,
five minutes to get refocused.
We got a high roller.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right.
Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.
Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic.
Sir.
Thank you.
Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.
You're kidding.
I don't joke about shopper safety.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to issue you a citation.
Gonna need your first and last. Last first.
Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.
Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay?
Are you able to... Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.
You're pushing it.
Sir. Sir. I am warning... Sir.
Sir. Sir. Sir.
Okay.
This is adding up, sir. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back.
Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall.
Well, thank you.
Is there something else?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just looking for some hair extensions.
Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men?
Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men?
Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan?
I don't think so. Which one?
Well, that one. That one right there.
Yeah. That one, yes. That... You know, that one was me.
Although they're docking the paycheck pretty good.
Yeah.
You know what you should do? You should get the security tape,
and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff.
Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got.
Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks.
Who is this?
It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.
What the hell are you bothering me for?
You know, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense.
Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard.
and it's perfectly acceptable...
I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.
No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?
It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy
brewing in the industry right now,
whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer.
I'm sure you heard about it.
So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year?
Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday.
This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get a card.
Everyone's too busy shopping.
You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.
At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail.
All right. Thank you.
Thank you.
And, there you go.
Thank you, Amy.
Thank you, Officer Blart.
Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt.
You went with a medium?
It's a bit formfitting,
but that's 'cause we're required to wear protective vests under our...
No. Not buying it. No.
'Cause I don't see any vest underneath here, so...
No, but it's a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear.
Nope. Nope. No.
I don't understand why you're laughing. I just called you fat.
I'm not laughing.
Yeah, whatever. Amy.
Hey, everyone's going to American Joe's tonight, and I want to see you there.
Okay? We're gonna split some onion strings.
Wow. Wow.
Good.
Good hang.
Wow, yeah. That's great.
Hey, Blart, they need you at Victoria's Secret.
Okay, roger that.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay. Bye.
Ladies. Problem.
What's the genesis?
She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size.
There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon.
Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.
Really? Is he blind?
Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks.
Not my first rodeo.
Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.
No, you don't.
Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest.
So does anyone. I could arrest you right now.
Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am?
Look, I understand your sensitivity.
I've had some issues with weight myself.
I'm just saying I've been down that road.
I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded.
Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right?
But as soon as I started eating healthier,
I noticed I wasn't so moody.
And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.
Ma'am.
You...
She's got tremendous upper body strength.
Backup! Backup!
She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck.
Backup!
Backup! Backup!
Look, I know you're new here and all,
but "backup" seems like a pretty universal term.
Hey. Can I give you a lift?
What, on that?
With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no,
but with me, you'll be as safe as the President.
I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired?
Yes, it could.
Okay.
And here you go. Safe and sound.
Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse.
It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang.
Well, thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun.
No problem.
Listen,
if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere,
Dispatch, they can get me. You know.
Yeah, and I'll punch my number in.
Left it in the casuals. You know what?
Just give me your number and I'll remember it.
Now I'm ready.
...01... ...01...
...78. - Eight. Got it.
That's it. It's locked.
Great, so I'll see you tonight at American Joe's, right?
Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so...
Yeah, I'm there.
Good to be here.
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
No, I was just saying that
the first American Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972.
And most people, because of its service and theme,
think that it's derivative of Abe and Louie's, but it's not.
It's its own thing.
You really know a lot of facts, Paul.
Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret.
Well, I don't hit women,
Hey, why don't you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks?
Hey, listen, I... We're basically already together, so...
I wasn't... I didn't even realize that.
I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight.
I mean, it's not like you really had a chance, okay?
Security guard? Really.
But you're a pen salesman, dude.
Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me.
All right, bro. Back off. You know, we're all just here having fun.
Okay, bro.
What?
Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother.
Security blood runs deep between... Yeah, let's just go.
Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay.
And, go!
Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew.
I know.
Told you, boy. You better hurry up.
There you go. Nachos in my face.
Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper.
Nachos are good, man.
Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone.
You're lagging behind.
Come on, Paul. Playing games.
I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much.
Twist it.
Feel the nub.
You want fruit?
Bye! You blinked! You blinked.
Time to pluck the grape from the vine.
Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity.
Coming on the left.
False alarm.
Told my mom everything about us.
What are you talking about?
You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural.
You know. You so know.
No, I'm sorry, Paul. I don't know.
Snap. Pop goes the weasel.
So happy!
Yeah!
Yeah!
I believe in magic!
No way!
I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear.
It's fine, Ma.
Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart. I think I'm just gonna turn in.
Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up?
I don't think so, Ma. It's fine.
If something's gonna work, it would be the sloppy joe.
But that would probably... You know.
You know, if you're doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet potato fries.
But it... Whatever, you know. Well done. Yeah.
Maya. Hey.
Dad. I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
There are other fish in the sea.
You just gotta keep looking.
And it doesn't matter what you do.
Because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you,
all bets are off.
If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us.
I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear a word you were saying.
You just have to...
Is that a tattoo?
I... Yeah, yeah, it is.
When did you get it?
It's the Loch Ness monster.
I don't drink.
That was
a little weird the other night, huh?
Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah.
Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse?
You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood.
And what happens is the capillaries...
Yeah, look. A lot of people...
Pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off.
And if you did, too, believe me, I get it.
I just... I guess what I'm asking is that you don't.
Okay. You know, I'm sorry, I've just...
I've gotta cash my paycheck before the bank closes. I'm...
No problem. Maybe we could talk later or something?
You know, Paul, everybody texts these days.
I can't believe you don't have a cell phone.
I'm not about all this technology, Vijay.
I prefer face-to-face interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment.
300 bucks?
I dug myself into a really deep hole with this girl, you gotta help me. Please.
Paul, you've always been a straight shooter, so I'll tell you what.
Why don't you take my daughter Parisa's phone?
I'm punishing her.
No. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,
she went over her minutes.
When and if she decides to turn her life around, I'll simply take it back.
Until then, you use it.
Hey. It's too late to go in that way, guys. It's closed.
Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man.
Look, I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you.
"The Devil's Crotch."
Feel the burn, baby.
Yeah.
You need a pen, don't you?
You know what? No, I'm good.
Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain.
How would you like to sign your name with this panther?
You know what? More than anything.
It's yours. I insist.
Oh, hey, guys.
Yeah.
Paul. Paul, can you help me out?
I need to shoot over to the bank for a minute.
There's a few kids inside, just finishing up their games.
Could you close up the arcade for me?
You know, video game might cheer you right up.
Nah, I'm on duty.
Welcome to the games!
Get set.
Go.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.
Game over.
We are ready.
Let's do this.
Attention shoppers.
Please make your way to the nearest exits.
Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early.
Everybody out, now!
You, too!
Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me...
I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people trying to take over the mall.
Tell them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages.
What are you doing? Get down.
Oh, my God.
Surprised? I know.
But here's the craziest part.
I'm the leader.
Reports are, they're inside the bank and they got hostages.
This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units around the back to secure the perimeter.
See if we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately.
Let's get all these civilians out of here.
See if we can gain access into the loading dock.
Hello?
Feeling alive?
I'm sorry?
Parisa.
She makes you feel alive, doesn't she?
This must be Pahud. Pahud, no, I'm not with Parisa.
My name's Paul Blart.
Parisa's dad took her cell phone away, and he lent it to me.
Do not lie to me, Paul Blart. Do not lie to me.
You are probably sweating over her right now.
I'm not lying.
I mean, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone.
That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world.
Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet.
Paul, the pain of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, man.
Pahud, no one can blame you for being upset.
I mean, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak to the mix.
Wow. Them's some heavy words, Paul Blart.
Hey, life is heavy.
Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh?
So why do you not head over to Orange Julius,
call up my friend Sameer Oh?
Tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up.
Wait a second. How'd you know I was at the mall?
I track Parisa's phone with GPS. Don't you judge me.
Closing time already.
Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall.
Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit.
And 15 for you.
Okay.
Now this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine.
They change every day, so make sure
that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday.
Veck, six guys in standard formation, just like you said.
Perfect.
Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!
And these little piggies went all the way home.
Do it.
Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the Mission.
Hey, everyone. A couple requests.
Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut,
give up your cell phones, and as a general rule, do as I say.
You do all these things... Well, you'll be back at home in no time.
Back to your mediocre lives.
I was hoping that you and I could have a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on.
You know, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course.
What do you say?
Go to hell.
Ouch.
Hey, Stewie, you don't mind that I'm hitting on your girlfriend, do you?
What? No. She's not my girlfriend.
But I specifically heard you say that you two were "basically together."
No. I didn't say that we were together. I said that she's into leather.
Have at it. If you...
God, you're an idiot.
Hello?
This is Sergeant Howard of the West Orange Police Department.
Yeah, well, so here's the deal.
As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by all the doors,
so if you wanna enter my mall,
you might as well bring at least six body bags.
He's drilling the safe, and they have eyes on us.
See if we can tap into the security cameras.
Now look, no one's gonna try and enter the mall.
Is there anything you need? Do you need any food? Do you need any water?
Oh, man. This dude doesn't deviate from the book at all.
You know, since you're asking, I would love a Happy Meal,
you know, but... Make sure the toy is the sea monster,
'cause I already have the dragon.
Okay, okay, now what is it you really want?
Silence.
Hey, I'm sorry, mall's closed,
but I can help you find the nearest exit if you just tell me where you parked.
Sweet mercy.
This is not happening, this is not happening, this is...
Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think.
Now what are you trained to do?
Nothing.
Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it.
Yo, we got a straggler.
I don't know. Give up, I guess.
Guys, what is wrong with you? We stick to the plan.
We got a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named Paul Barth.
He says he's a security officer in the mall.
Hey. Blart? He's one of my guys.
Paul, this is Sergeant Howard of West Orange Police Department.
The mall has been taken over, and they have hostages.
I need you to exit the building immediately.
We don't need any wild cards in this situation.
Copy that. Never been a wild card.
Unless you consider the game of Uno wild.
Okay, okay. Come on, don't die. Don't die.
Blart.
Don't pee. Don't pee.
Guys, motion detector just went off at Door 26. Everybody on it.
Amy.
What the hell is he doing? Come on!
Blart, come on!
Is he crying?
Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please?
Blart, this is Brooks. What's going on?
Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it.
What oath? We don't have an oath.
I sort of made up my own. It's on a plaque in my room.
Listen, I think you're making a big mistake.
SWAT's on the way.
And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you're untrained, you're unarmed,
and let's face it, son, you present a huge target.
With all due respect, sir, I can't observe and report from the outside.
Over.
Well, Sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside.
Amy, Paul Blart here. Are you still in the mall?
Send.
Got him.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! Think!
Hold it together.
Heart of a warrior.
I missed lunch.
Thank you.
This isn't happening, this is not happening.
Hey! Don't make this hard.
You like that?
Brooks, I took out a girl, but the guy, he ran away.
But let the record show, I did not hit a woman. I just...
I put all my weight on her.
Oh, Paul.
No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine.
Well, good, let's get you out of there.
No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started.
What the heck is this?
Give me that.
Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again.
Since you refuse to come out, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank
and find out where they're holding the hostages.
With honor, sir.
Good to know.
Hey, I haven't heard back from Donner or Vixen.
Okay. I'm calling an audible here, everyone.
And I need to get this mall locked down from the inside immediately.
Why don't we just start wasting hostages? That'll stop them.
Well, that's one way to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside.
I'm Commander Kent. My team is deploying. I need this location secured.
and get all these people out of here.
Whoa, whoa, this is all done already.
My men are gonna do it again, the right way.
Have your guys fall back, now. Have there been any demands?
I got snipers at the ready, communications in check.
Let's tap into security now, and let's get some visuals.
You can't. They knocked out the video cameras.
I'll be ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one. I'm in charge.
Brooks, I'm observing the bank now.
They got one assailant guarding the hostages.
There she is.
My, God. You are my angel pie.
Here come the love sweats.
Paul, your radio's still on.
Roger that.
Don't tell me one of your beat cops is trying to be a hero.
No, he's neither. His name is Blart. He's one of my security guards.
Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser in high school. Give me that.
Blart.
This is Commander James Kent. New Jersey SWAT.
We went to high school together. Remember?
I set you on fire at the pancake festival?
Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.
Go Green Hawks.
Yeah, listen. I've got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out here.
At my command, we are retaking this location,
and there's no way I'm compromising this mission so that some mall monitor
who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up.
Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed. All I heard was "lunch" and "friend."
Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back on?
Listen to me, Blart,
you are no longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is that clear?
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing?
Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area.
I'm gonna get a closer look.
Veck.
There he is!
Let's get in the back, huh?
Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn't get them out.
But I know who the leader is. It's Veck.
Veck? The trainee?
I'll pass it on to Howard.
Oh, God.
Trapped is fine by me.
Commence tanning. Three, two, one.
Yeah!
Yes!
Time for some big-game hunting.
Open, open, open! Thank God.
Oh, no.
Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it!
Get him! Get him! Get him!
You better run.
Amy, huh? What a coincidence.
We got a cute little redhead down at the bank named Amy.
Well, I guess I know who I'm killing first.
Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall.
It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing.
You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this.
Nobody wins with a head butt.
What are you talking about? Every kid has a cell phone.
I prefer handwritten sentiments.
Who are these sloppy joes for? And who gave you this?
They're mine. I'm late for my shift at Foot Locker.
We're getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you.
Silence, my ass.
What's the matter? Throw a few jabs your way,
you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb?
If you don't go toe-to-toe with that scumbag,
he's gonna roll over on you all night long.
It's all right. That's not my style.
Well, just in case, I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks, like...
Here.
This is what you been doing?
"Yeah, you and what army?"
Everyone deserves a card on their birthday.
So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up back at the crib
about how easy all this was gonna be, were you guys like,
"Man, any brain-dead mall cop that gets in the way is gonna get smoked"?
And then... And then what? You guys all high-fived?
But sadly, no codes!
And I'd say, considering all the luxury items that I have stacked up
in my Amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable!
No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking.
Give me a gun.
Put it down. Put it down.
What are you nodding about?
I was just wondering, were you serious about that Happy Meal?
It isn't coming, is it?
What?
This is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT.
You wanted to speak to me?
I just wanna make sure that no one does anything stupid.
You should know my men are deployed and ready to bring this thing to a resolution.
The easy way or the hard way.
That is such a tough call, but...
Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above!
I'm Amy, by the way.
I'm Maya. My father talked forever about you.
And I gotta say, he really does like you.
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, that's not so bad.
Oh, my God.
They've got his daughter.
Don't worry about me, okay? I'm worried about you.
I love you. All right, now, I'm gonna get you all out.
You just hang in there, okay, sweetie?
I will. I'm a Blart, remember?
Yeah. I'll see you soon.
I'm supposed to be on my way to the Cayman Islands with the hostages.
And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back by now.
"If Veck gets the codes, he's taking us to Cayman Islands"?
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.
Come and get me, Veck.
I got your codes for the credit-card machines.
That's who's been screwing all this up? You have got to be kidding me.
Give me a radio.
Let me tell you something.
You take hostages in my mall, you are making a big mistake.
You seriously undermissed...
And you seriously...
Oh, no!
Blart?
Sugar. Sugar.
Blart? You there, Blart?
Hello, Blart. You there?
Hey, Blart!
I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're gonna give up.
How about now?
I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver.
Yeah, you heard me. Never!
All right, Dad.
Hey, fellas! You looking for me?
Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.
Follow me.
There he is.
We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe.
Great. Wait for me. You know, my mom always said,
"If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself."
I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.
Prancer, take the back.
Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can I have my codes now, please?
Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands?
Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.
No.
One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass.
Comet! Don't come back till he's dead!
Brooks. Only one more left. Then it's just me and Veck.
Okay, who's talking to Blart?
Was it you, sugar mouth?
All right. Let's try this again.
Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!
It's her phone, it's hers. She's talking to him.
She's talking to him, and I told her not to. And it's under her leg.
The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That's good.
Okay.
That was close.
He is a pro.
Listen, Blart, time's up. We're busting in.
Wait! Look, Veck's after the credit-card codes, and I got them.
Just give me a few minutes.
No problem.
Isn't that cute?
Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on to your profile
on lonelyloser.com.
"Likes morning rain, walks on the beach."
Who are you, Olivia Newton-John?
I was just speaking from the heart.
Yeah, well, I didn't have to go online, Paul, to know that you love peanut brittle.
You're so pathetic.
Trippy.
This I can use.
What do you want, Veck?
I just want the $30 million that I came here for.
But, you know, I would settle offing your dream girl, or maybe your daughter.
You touch them, I swear I'll end you.
What're you gonna do, Paul?
You gonna pull up with your left hip forward giving the illusion that you have a gun,
which you and I both know you don't?
The next time I see you, Paul, I'm gonna put a bullet in your head.
I don't think so. I'm taking you down.
Blart!
Oh, Blart.
Sweet mercy.
I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.
Bravo. That was awesome.
And you were just so close to making it, too, Paul. Just so close.
Now the only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages,
you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me.
You think I'm gonna carry the phone with me that actually contains the...
What's up, man? So good to hear your voice.
Yeah, it's good to hear your voice, too, Pahud.
Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Okay, Paul, call me back! Call me back, Paul!
I mean, this just keeps getting better and better.
I mean, you are impossible to underestimate.
I mean, you can't pass the trooper exam,
you black out if you don't have a Snickers bar like every 20 minutes,
you had the chance to be the MVP, and you blew it.
Again, like you always do. Ain't that right, Maya?
What do you want me to say, Veck? You're smarter than me.
You're good on computers, you kept your weight under control.
I mean, people, they look at me and you, and...
Yeah, it's a landslide.
It's no contest.
Sorry.
Right now, you're the man with the gun.
So here you go.
Come on!
Go get him!
Go, Dad.
What...
Probably should have capitalized on that.
Dad!
Lock and load, boys. We're going in.
Hey, we're on the move.
Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Paul. Think, Paul. Think!
Let's go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects.
Get down!
Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
Down. The other one. That's the back one.
No, no. That's the same one. No! The other one!
Veck got away with my daughter and Amy.
Entry team, clear the mall. We'll pursue.
Light.
Open the door.
Let's do this.
Jimmy, give me your cell phone.
Gotta hand it to you, Blart. You're really taking care of business.
What up?
Pahud, do you still have GPS on Parisa's cell phone?
You know I do, Paul. You know I do. What can I do for you?
I need to know where it's headed.
Paul, it looks like they're on their way to McGuire Airfield.
I know where that is. Thanks.
Hang on.
My God. There they are. Jimmy, take the wheel.
What?
Here we go! Here we go!
That was me. I can't...
Here I go! No!
Blart!
Don't do it! Blart!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Maya! Maya, get inside.
Paul?
I really don't drink.
Come on. Oh, yeah?
Dad!
Man, that hypoglycemia is a killer.
I told you I'd take you down.
Blart!
Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a gun.
I hope you don't mind if I use one.
What?
I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands then, huh?
Soon as I get my money.
Yeah, well, you'll be needing this.
Just give it to him, Dad.
Oh, I will. Suck on that!
Okay. Situation update?
We have seven assailants in custody, sir.
You see, jackass? I don't need the phone.
'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arm.
Now, I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses.
And since everybody thinks this was a bank...
I got a newsflash for you. Your flight's been canceled.
That's better than anything I got.
You did good, Dad.
Yeah, I am pretty great.
You know, she doesn't need a green card.
I don't know what to say.
I have something I want to say to you.
Happy birthday, Amy.
I heard you applied to be a state trooper.
You say the word, my department would be proud to have you.
Thank you, sir. But I think I'm gonna stick with what I do best.
It's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Special thanks to SergeiK.
submitted by kekko11 to auxified [link] [comments]


2016.12.09 01:43 Davybomb THE ENTIRE HECCIN PAUL BLART SCRIPT

Let's go! Move it!
50 more yards!
All right, let's go! Pick it up!
You're running out of time, Bryant!
Make it all the way around the track! Come on!
You want to be troopers? You better move it!
All right, next, get up here!
Let's hit it now.
Dean, come on!
All right. You've all completed the written exam.
However, you must now pass the obstacle course
to be admitted into the training program.
And remember, survive this,
and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.
Yeah.
Sorry about the test, Dad.
We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.
Mine is named hypoglycemia.
Well, that's why you always have to have sugar nearby.
Are you gonna have pie?
Not tonight, Ma.
I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie.
You...
No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.
and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now,
and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go.
It really helps heal.
And, you know, not always, but sometimes,
you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, "Whatever."
Kids don't talk like that.
Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?
I hear them in the mall. You know?
Peanut butter.
It just fills the cracks of the heart.
Go away, pain.
Oh, no. Come on, Ma.
I'm not ready for this right now.
We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone.
But I'm not alone.
I've got you two. You know?
And besides, Black Friday's coming,
so my dance card's gonna be pretty full.
What? It's the busiest shopping day of the year.
Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians.
I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday's coming."
"Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me Black Friday's coming.
"Why do you think I've been walking around here
"with the eyes of an eagle?"
with being happy for the rest of your life?
You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a girlfriend by November,
"I'll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com."
That was last year.
Okay.
"What are you looking for in a woman?"
Well, your mother certainly had something special.
Yeah, illegal immigrant status.
She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us.
That's not entirely true.
We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me.
She gave me you.
Okay, next question. "Tell us about yourself."
Let's see.
I know a lot about sharks.
Let me stop you right there.
Well-built and a great hugger.
Awesome, Grandma.
Not as awesome as this.
What are you doing?
Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back.
Ma, no.
I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"?
Well, that is exactly what we want.
Eyes on the prize.
And don't worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts.
Dear God!
Hey! Back away from the vehicle.
Oh, dear God. Please.
Chompers, get down!
Hey, you know where a men's room is?
I do. You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.
They got 12 stalls and heated seats.
Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!
Okay, my lip is numb.
All righty.
Hey.
Yeah, I know.
That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan.
... he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board...
He keeps the play alive.
What is this?
That's my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy's
down through the specialty shops.
You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court,
it's gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration.
It's your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario.
Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us?
Safety never takes a holiday.
Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?
Blart.
This is Sims. He's a new trainee. Let him trail you today.
Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran.
Wow. Veck Sims.
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let's mount up.
Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff.
That's it. Treat her gentle, son.
Slap it, honor it.
So what made you want to pursue security?
I never finished high school. This is all I could get.
Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself.
Right now, I'm goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia.
Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.
My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears.
They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard.
I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard.
My uncle can. Stay snug.
Now, in the event that you approach an assailant,
here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up,
left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly,
giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know
you don't.
Okay? But you know what we do have?
Our voices! We have our voices.
If you remember one thing from today, it's this.
The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster.
Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch?
Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time,
five minutes to get refocused.
We got a high roller.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right.
Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.
Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic.
Sir.
Thank you.
Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.
You're kidding.
I don't joke about shopper safety.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to issue you a citation.
Gonna need your first and last. Last first.
Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.
Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay?
Are you able to... Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.
You're pushing it.
Sir. Sir. I am warning... Sir.
Sir. Sir. Sir.
Okay.
This is adding up, sir. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back.
Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall.
Well, thank you.
Is there something else?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just looking for some hair extensions.
Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men?
Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men?
Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan?
I don't think so. Which one?
Well, that one. That one right there.
Yeah. That one, yes. That... You know, that one was me.
Although they're docking the paycheck pretty good.
Yeah.
You know what you should do? You should get the security tape,
and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff.
Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got.
Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks.
Who is this?
It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.
What the hell are you bothering me for?
You know, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense.
Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard.
and it's perfectly acceptable...
I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.
No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?
It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy
brewing in the industry right now,
whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer.
I'm sure you heard about it.
So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year?
Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday.
This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get a card.
Everyone's too busy shopping.
You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.
At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail.
All right. Thank you.
Thank you.
And, there you go.
Thank you, Amy.
Thank you, Officer Blart.
Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt.
You went with a medium?
It's a bit formfitting,
but that's 'cause we're required to wear protective vests under our...
No. Not buying it. No.
'Cause I don't see any vest underneath here, so...
No, but it's a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear.
Nope. Nope. No.
I don't understand why you're laughing. I just called you fat.
I'm not laughing.
Yeah, whatever. Amy.
Hey, everyone's going to American Joe's tonight, and I want to see you there.
Okay? We're gonna split some onion strings.
Wow. Wow.
Good.
Good hang.
Wow, yeah. That's great.
Hey, Blart, they need you at Victoria's Secret.
Okay, roger that.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay. Bye.
Ladies. Problem.
What's the genesis?
She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size.
There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon.
Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.
Really? Is he blind?
Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks.
Not my first rodeo.
Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.
No, you don't.
Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest.
So does anyone. I could arrest you right now.
Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am?
Look, I understand your sensitivity.
I've had some issues with weight myself.
I'm just saying I've been down that road.
I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded.
Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right?
But as soon as I started eating healthier,
I noticed I wasn't so moody.
And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.
Ma'am.
You...
She's got tremendous upper body strength.
Backup! Backup!
She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck.
Backup!
Backup! Backup!
Look, I know you're new here and all,
but "backup" seems like a pretty universal term.
Hey. Can I give you a lift?
What, on that?
With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no,
but with me, you'll be as safe as the President.
I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired?
Yes, it could.
Okay.
And here you go. Safe and sound.
Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse.
It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang.
Well, thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun.
No problem.
Listen,
if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere,
Dispatch, they can get me. You know.
Yeah, and I'll punch my number in.
Left it in the casuals. You know what?
Just give me your number and I'll remember it.
Now I'm ready.
...01... ...01...
...78. - Eight. Got it.
That's it. It's locked.
Great, so I'll see you tonight at American Joe's, right?
Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so...
Yeah, I'm there.
Good to be here.
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
No, I was just saying that
the first American Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972.
And most people, because of its service and theme,
think that it's derivative of Abe and Louie's, but it's not.
It's its own thing.
You really know a lot of facts, Paul.
Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret.
Well, I don't hit women,
Hey, why don't you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks?
Hey, listen, I... We're basically already together, so...
I wasn't... I didn't even realize that.
I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight.
I mean, it's not like you really had a chance, okay?
Security guard? Really.
But you're a pen salesman, dude.
Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me.
All right, bro. Back off. You know, we're all just here having fun.
Okay, bro.
What?
Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother.
Security blood runs deep between... Yeah, let's just go.
Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay.
And, go!
Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew.
I know.
Told you, boy. You better hurry up.
There you go. Nachos in my face.
Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper.
Nachos are good, man.
Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone.
You're lagging behind.
Come on, Paul. Playing games.
I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much.
Twist it.
Feel the nub.
You want fruit?
Bye! You blinked! You blinked.
Time to pluck the grape from the vine.
Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity.
Coming on the left.
False alarm.
Told my mom everything about us.
What are you talking about?
You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural.
You know. You so know.
No, I'm sorry, Paul. I don't know.
Snap. Pop goes the weasel.
So happy!
Yeah!
Yeah!
I believe in magic!
No way!
I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear.
It's fine, Ma.
Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart. I think I'm just gonna turn in.
Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up?
I don't think so, Ma. It's fine.
If something's gonna work, it would be the sloppy joe.
But that would probably... You know.
You know, if you're doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet potato fries.
But it... Whatever, you know. Well done. Yeah.
Maya. Hey.
Dad. I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
There are other fish in the sea.
You just gotta keep looking.
And it doesn't matter what you do.
Because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you,
all bets are off.
If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us.
I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear a word you were saying.
You just have to...
Is that a tattoo?
I... Yeah, yeah, it is.
When did you get it?
It's the Loch Ness monster.
I don't drink.
That was
a little weird the other night, huh?
Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah.
Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse?
You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood.
And what happens is the capillaries...
Yeah, look. A lot of people...
Pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off.
And if you did, too, believe me, I get it.
I just... I guess what I'm asking is that you don't.
Okay. You know, I'm sorry, I've just...
I've gotta cash my paycheck before the bank closes. I'm...
No problem. Maybe we could talk later or something?
You know, Paul, everybody texts these days.
I can't believe you don't have a cell phone.
I'm not about all this technology, Vijay.
I prefer face-to-face interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment.
300 bucks?
I dug myself into a really deep hole with this girl, you gotta help me. Please.
Paul, you've always been a straight shooter, so I'll tell you what.
Why don't you take my daughter Parisa's phone?
I'm punishing her.
No. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,
she went over her minutes.
When and if she decides to turn her life around, I'll simply take it back.
Until then, you use it.
Hey. It's too late to go in that way, guys. It's closed.
Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man.
Look, I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you.
"The Devil's Crotch."
Feel the burn, baby.
Yeah.
You need a pen, don't you?
You know what? No, I'm good.
Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain.
How would you like to sign your name with this panther?
You know what? More than anything.
It's yours. I insist.
Oh, hey, guys.
Yeah.
Paul. Paul, can you help me out?
I need to shoot over to the bank for a minute.
There's a few kids inside, just finishing up their games.
Could you close up the arcade for me?
You know, video game might cheer you right up.
Nah, I'm on duty.
Welcome to the games!
Get set.
Go.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.
Game over.
We are ready.
Let's do this.
Attention shoppers.
Please make your way to the nearest exits.
Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early.
Everybody out, now!
You, too!
Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me...
I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people trying to take over the mall.
Tell them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages.
What are you doing? Get down.
Oh, my God.
Surprised? I know.
But here's the craziest part.
I'm the leader.
Reports are, they're inside the bank and they got hostages.
This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units around the back to secure the perimeter.
See if we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately.
Let's get all these civilians out of here.
See if we can gain access into the loading dock.
Hello?
Feeling alive?
I'm sorry?
Parisa.
She makes you feel alive, doesn't she?
This must be Pahud. Pahud, no, I'm not with Parisa.
My name's Paul Blart.
Parisa's dad took her cell phone away, and he lent it to me.
Do not lie to me, Paul Blart. Do not lie to me.
You are probably sweating over her right now.
I'm not lying.
I mean, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone.
That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world.
Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet.
Paul, the pain of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, man.
Pahud, no one can blame you for being upset.
I mean, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak to the mix.
Wow. Them's some heavy words, Paul Blart.
Hey, life is heavy.
Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh?
So why do you not head over to Orange Julius,
call up my friend Sameer Oh?
Tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up.
Wait a second. How'd you know I was at the mall?
I track Parisa's phone with GPS. Don't you judge me.
Closing time already.
Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall.
Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit.
And 15 for you.
Okay.
Now this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine.
They change every day, so make sure
that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday.
Veck, six guys in standard formation, just like you said.
Perfect.
Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!
And these little piggies went all the way home.
Do it.
Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the Mission.
Hey, everyone. A couple requests.
Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut,
give up your cell phones, and as a general rule, do as I say.
You do all these things... Well, you'll be back at home in no time.
Back to your mediocre lives.
I was hoping that you and I could have a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on.
You know, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course.
What do you say?
Go to hell.
Ouch.
Hey, Stewie, you don't mind that I'm hitting on your girlfriend, do you?
What? No. She's not my girlfriend.
But I specifically heard you say that you two were "basically together."
No. I didn't say that we were together. I said that she's into leather.
Have at it. If you...
God, you're an idiot.
Hello?
This is Sergeant Howard of the West Orange Police Department.
Yeah, well, so here's the deal.
As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by all the doors,
so if you wanna enter my mall,
you might as well bring at least six body bags.
He's drilling the safe, and they have eyes on us.
See if we can tap into the security cameras.
Now look, no one's gonna try and enter the mall.
Is there anything you need? Do you need any food? Do you need any water?
Oh, man. This dude doesn't deviate from the book at all.
You know, since you're asking, I would love a Happy Meal,
you know, but... Make sure the toy is the sea monster,
'cause I already have the dragon.
Okay, okay, now what is it you really want?
Silence.
Hey, I'm sorry, mall's closed,
but I can help you find the nearest exit if you just tell me where you parked.
Sweet mercy.
This is not happening, this is not happening, this is...
Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think.
Now what are you trained to do?
Nothing.
Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it.
Yo, we got a straggler.
I don't know. Give up, I guess.
Guys, what is wrong with you? We stick to the plan.
We got a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named Paul Barth.
He says he's a security officer in the mall.
Hey. Blart? He's one of my guys.
Paul, this is Sergeant Howard of West Orange Police Department.
The mall has been taken over, and they have hostages.
I need you to exit the building immediately.
We don't need any wild cards in this situation.
Copy that. Never been a wild card.
Unless you consider the game of Uno wild.
Okay, okay. Come on, don't die. Don't die.
Blart.
Don't pee. Don't pee.
Guys, motion detector just went off at Door 26. Everybody on it.
Amy.
What the hell is he doing? Come on!
Blart, come on!
Is he crying?
Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please?
Blart, this is Brooks. What's going on?
Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it.
What oath? We don't have an oath.
I sort of made up my own. It's on a plaque in my room.
Listen, I think you're making a big mistake.
SWAT's on the way.
And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you're untrained, you're unarmed,
and let's face it, son, you present a huge target.
With all due respect, sir, I can't observe and report from the outside.
Over.
Well, Sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside.
Amy, Paul Blart here. Are you still in the mall?
Send.
Got him.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! Think!
Hold it together.
Heart of a warrior.
I missed lunch.
Thank you.
This isn't happening, this is not happening.
Hey! Don't make this hard.
You like that?
Brooks, I took out a girl, but the guy, he ran away.
But let the record show, I did not hit a woman. I just...
I put all my weight on her.
Oh, Paul.
No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine.
Well, good, let's get you out of there.
No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started.
What the heck is this?
Give me that.
Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again.
Since you refuse to come out, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank
and find out where they're holding the hostages.
With honor, sir.
Good to know.
Hey, I haven't heard back from Donner or Vixen.
Okay. I'm calling an audible here, everyone.
And I need to get this mall locked down from the inside immediately.
Why don't we just start wasting hostages? That'll stop them.
Well, that's one way to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside.
I'm Commander Kent. My team is deploying. I need this location secured.
and get all these people out of here.
Whoa, whoa, this is all done already.
My men are gonna do it again, the right way.
Have your guys fall back, now. Have there been any demands?
I got snipers at the ready, communications in check.
Let's tap into security now, and let's get some visuals.
You can't. They knocked out the video cameras.
I'll be ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one. I'm in charge.
Brooks, I'm observing the bank now.
They got one assailant guarding the hostages.
There she is.
My, God. You are my angel pie.
Here come the love sweats.
Paul, your radio's still on.
Roger that.
Don't tell me one of your beat cops is trying to be a hero.
No, he's neither. His name is Blart. He's one of my security guards.
Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser in high school. Give me that.
Blart.
This is Commander James Kent. New Jersey SWAT.
We went to high school together. Remember?
I set you on fire at the pancake festival?
Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.
Go Green Hawks.
Yeah, listen. I've got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out here.
At my command, we are retaking this location,
and there's no way I'm compromising this mission so that some mall monitor
who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up.
Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed. All I heard was "lunch" and "friend."
Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back on?
Listen to me, Blart,
you are no longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is that clear?
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing?
Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area.
I'm gonna get a closer look.
Veck.
There he is!
Let's get in the back, huh?
Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn't get them out.
But I know who the leader is. It's Veck.
Veck? The trainee?
I'll pass it on to Howard.
Oh, God.
Trapped is fine by me.
Commence tanning. Three, two, one.
Yeah!
Yes!
Time for some big-game hunting.
Open, open, open! Thank God.
Oh, no.
Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it!
Get him! Get him! Get him!
You better run.
Amy, huh? What a coincidence.
We got a cute little redhead down at the bank named Amy.
Well, I guess I know who I'm killing first.
Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall.
It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing.
You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this.
Nobody wins with a head butt.
What are you talking about? Every kid has a cell phone.
I prefer handwritten sentiments.
Who are these sloppy joes for? And who gave you this?
They're mine. I'm late for my shift at Foot Locker.
We're getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you.
Silence, my ass.
What's the matter? Throw a few jabs your way,
you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb?
If you don't go toe-to-toe with that scumbag,
he's gonna roll over on you all night long.
It's all right. That's not my style.
Well, just in case, I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks, like...
Here.
This is what you been doing?
"Yeah, you and what army?"
Everyone deserves a card on their birthday.
So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up back at the crib
about how easy all this was gonna be, were you guys like,
"Man, any brain-dead mall cop that gets in the way is gonna get smoked"?
And then... And then what? You guys all high-fived?
But sadly, no codes!
And I'd say, considering all the luxury items that I have stacked up
in my Amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable!
No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking.
Give me a gun.
Put it down. Put it down.
What are you nodding about?
I was just wondering, were you serious about that Happy Meal?
It isn't coming, is it?
What?
This is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT.
You wanted to speak to me?
I just wanna make sure that no one does anything stupid.
You should know my men are deployed and ready to bring this thing to a resolution.
The easy way or the hard way.
That is such a tough call, but...
Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above!
I'm Amy, by the way.
I'm Maya. My father talked forever about you.
And I gotta say, he really does like you.
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, that's not so bad.
Oh, my God.
They've got his daughter.
Don't worry about me, okay? I'm worried about you.
I love you. All right, now, I'm gonna get you all out.
You just hang in there, okay, sweetie?
I will. I'm a Blart, remember?
Yeah. I'll see you soon.
I'm supposed to be on my way to the Cayman Islands with the hostages.
And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back by now.
"If Veck gets the codes, he's taking us to Cayman Islands"?
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.
Come and get me, Veck.
I got your codes for the credit-card machines.
That's who's been screwing all this up? You have got to be kidding me.
Give me a radio.
Let me tell you something.
You take hostages in my mall, you are making a big mistake.
You seriously undermissed...
And you seriously...
Oh, no!
Blart?
Sugar. Sugar.
Blart? You there, Blart?
Hello, Blart. You there?
Hey, Blart!
I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're gonna give up.
How about now?
I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver.
Yeah, you heard me. Never!
All right, Dad.
Hey, fellas! You looking for me?
Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.
Follow me.
There he is.
We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe.
Great. Wait for me. You know, my mom always said,
"If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself."
I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.
Prancer, take the back.
Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can I have my codes now, please?
Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands?
Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.
No.
One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass.
Comet! Don't come back till he's dead!
Brooks. Only one more left. Then it's just me and Veck.
Okay, who's talking to Blart?
Was it you, sugar mouth?
All right. Let's try this again.
Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!
It's her phone, it's hers. She's talking to him.
She's talking to him, and I told her not to. And it's under her leg.
The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That's good.
Okay.
That was close.
He is a pro.
Listen, Blart, time's up. We're busting in.
Wait! Look, Veck's after the credit-card codes, and I got them.
Just give me a few minutes.
No problem.
Isn't that cute?
Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on to your profile
on lonelyloser.com.
"Likes morning rain, walks on the beach."
Who are you, Olivia Newton-John?
I was just speaking from the heart.
Yeah, well, I didn't have to go online, Paul, to know that you love peanut brittle.
You're so pathetic.
Trippy.
This I can use.
What do you want, Veck?
I just want the $30 million that I came here for.
But, you know, I would settle offing your dream girl, or maybe your daughter.
You touch them, I swear I'll end you.
What're you gonna do, Paul?
You gonna pull up with your left hip forward giving the illusion that you have a gun,
which you and I both know you don't?
The next time I see you, Paul, I'm gonna put a bullet in your head.
I don't think so. I'm taking you down.
Blart!
Oh, Blart.
Sweet mercy.
I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.
Bravo. That was awesome.
And you were just so close to making it, too, Paul. Just so close.
Now the only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages,
you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me.
You think I'm gonna carry the phone with me that actually contains the...
What's up, man? So good to hear your voice.
Yeah, it's good to hear your voice, too, Pahud.
Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Okay, Paul, call me back! Call me back, Paul!
I mean, this just keeps getting better and better.
I mean, you are impossible to underestimate.
I mean, you can't pass the trooper exam,
you black out if you don't have a Snickers bar like every 20 minutes,
you had the chance to be the MVP, and you blew it.
Again, like you always do. Ain't that right, Maya?
What do you want me to say, Veck? You're smarter than me.
You're good on computers, you kept your weight under control.
I mean, people, they look at me and you, and...
Yeah, it's a landslide.
It's no contest.
Sorry.
Right now, you're the man with the gun.
So here you go.
Come on!
Go get him!
Go, Dad.
What...
Probably should have capitalized on that.
Dad!
Lock and load, boys. We're going in.
Hey, we're on the move.
Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Paul. Think, Paul. Think!
Let's go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects.
Get down!
Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
Down. The other one. That's the back one.
No, no. That's the same one. No! The other one!
Veck got away with my daughter and Amy.
Entry team, clear the mall. We'll pursue.
Light.
Open the door.
Let's do this.
Jimmy, give me your cell phone.
Gotta hand it to you, Blart. You're really taking care of business.
What up?
Pahud, do you still have GPS on Parisa's cell phone?
You know I do, Paul. You know I do. What can I do for you?
I need to know where it's headed.
Paul, it looks like they're on their way to McGuire Airfield.
I know where that is. Thanks.
Hang on.
My God. There they are. Jimmy, take the wheel.
What?
Here we go! Here we go!
That was me. I can't...
Here I go! No!
Blart!
Don't do it! Blart!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Maya! Maya, get inside.
Paul?
I really don't drink.
Come on. Oh, yeah?
Dad!
Man, that hypoglycemia is a killer.
I told you I'd take you down.
Blart!
Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a gun.
I hope you don't mind if I use one.
What?
I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands then, huh?
Soon as I get my money.
Yeah, well, you'll be needing this.
Just give it to him, Dad.
Oh, I will. Suck on that!
Okay. Situation update?
We have seven assailants in custody, sir.
You see, jackass? I don't need the phone.
'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arm.
Now, I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses.
And since everybody thinks this was a bank...
I got a newsflash for you. Your flight's been canceled.
That's better than anything I got.
You did good, Dad.
Yeah, I am pretty great.
You know, she doesn't need a green card.
I don't know what to say.
I have something I want to say to you.
Happy birthday, Amy.
I heard you applied to be a state trooper.
You say the word, my department would be proud to have you.
Thank you, sir. But I think I'm gonna stick with what I do best.
It's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
submitted by Davybomb to copypasta [link] [comments]


2016.09.19 04:38 El_Mucho_Danko Here is a waste of your time

Let's go! Move it!
50 more yards!
All right, let's go! Pick it up!
You're running out of time, Bryant!
Make it all the way around the track! Come on!
You want to be troopers? You better move it!
All right, next, get up here!
Let's hit it now.
Dean, come on!
All right. You've all completed the written exam.
However, you must now pass the obstacle course
to be admitted into the training program.
And remember, survive this,
and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.
Yeah.
Sorry about the test, Dad.
We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.
Mine is named hypoglycemia.
Well, that's why you always have to have sugar nearby.
Are you gonna have pie?
Not tonight, Ma.
I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie.
You...
No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.
and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now,
and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go.
It really helps heal.
And, you know, not always, but sometimes,
you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, "Whatever."
Kids don't talk like that.
Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?
I hear them in the mall. You know?
Peanut butter.
It just fills the cracks of the heart.
Go away, pain.
Oh, no. Come on, Ma.
I'm not ready for this right now.
We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone.
But I'm not alone.
I've got you two. You know?
And besides, Black Friday's coming,
so my dance card's gonna be pretty full.
What? It's the busiest shopping day of the year.
Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians.
I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday's coming."
"Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me Black Friday's coming.
"Why do you think I've been walking around here
"with the eyes of an eagle?"
with being happy for the rest of your life?
You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a girlfriend by November,
"I'll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com."
That was last year.
Okay.
"What are you looking for in a woman?"
Well, your mother certainly had something special.
Yeah, illegal immigrant status.
She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us.
That's not entirely true.
We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me.
She gave me you.
Okay, next question. "Tell us about yourself."
Let's see.
I know a lot about sharks.
Let me stop you right there.
Well-built and a great hugger.
Awesome, Grandma.
Not as awesome as this.
What are you doing?
Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back.
Ma, no.
I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"?
Well, that is exactly what we want.
Eyes on the prize.
And don't worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts.
Dear God!
Hey! Back away from the vehicle.
Oh, dear God. Please.
Chompers, get down!
Hey, you know where a men's room is?
I do. You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.
They got 12 stalls and heated seats.
Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!
Okay, my lip is numb.
All righty.
Hey.
Yeah, I know.
That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan.
... he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board...
He keeps the play alive.
What is this?
That's my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy's
down through the specialty shops.
You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court,
it's gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration.
It's your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario.
Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us?
Safety never takes a holiday.
Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?
Blart.
This is Sims. He's a new trainee. Let him trail you today.
Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran.
Wow. Veck Sims.
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let's mount up.
Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff.
That's it. Treat her gentle, son.
Slap it, honor it.
So what made you want to pursue security?
I never finished high school. This is all I could get.
Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself.
Right now, I'm goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia.
Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.
My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears.
They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard.
I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard.
My uncle can. Stay snug.
Now, in the event that you approach an assailant,
here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up,
left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly,
giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know
you don't.
Okay? But you know what we do have?
Our voices! We have our voices.
If you remember one thing from today, it's this.
The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster.
Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch?
Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time,
five minutes to get refocused.
We got a high roller.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right.
Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.
Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic.
Sir.
Thank you.
Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.
You're kidding.
I don't joke about shopper safety.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to issue you a citation.
Gonna need your first and last. Last first.
Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.
Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay?
Are you able to... Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.
You're pushing it.
Sir. Sir. I am warning... Sir.
Sir. Sir. Sir.
Okay.
This is adding up, sir. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back.
Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall.
Well, thank you.
Is there something else?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just looking for some hair extensions.
Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men?
Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men?
Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan?
I don't think so. Which one?
Well, that one. That one right there.
Yeah. That one, yes. That... You know, that one was me.
Although they're docking the paycheck pretty good.
Yeah.
You know what you should do? You should get the security tape,
and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff.
Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got.
Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks.
Who is this?
It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.
What the hell are you bothering me for?
You know, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense.
Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard.
and it's perfectly acceptable...
I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.
No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?
It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy
brewing in the industry right now,
whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer.
I'm sure you heard about it.
So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year?
Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday.
This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get a card.
Everyone's too busy shopping.
You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.
At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail.
All right. Thank you.
Thank you.
And, there you go.
Thank you, Amy.
Thank you, Officer Blart.
Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt.
You went with a medium?
It's a bit formfitting,
but that's 'cause we're required to wear protective vests under our...
No. Not buying it. No.
'Cause I don't see any vest underneath here, so...
No, but it's a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear.
Nope. Nope. No.
I don't understand why you're laughing. I just called you fat.
I'm not laughing.
Yeah, whatever. Amy.
Hey, everyone's going to American Joe's tonight, and I want to see you there.
Okay? We're gonna split some onion strings.
Wow. Wow.
Good.
Good hang.
Wow, yeah. That's great.
Hey, Blart, they need you at Victoria's Secret.
Okay, roger that.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay. Bye.
Ladies. Problem.
What's the genesis?
She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size.
There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon.
Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.
Really? Is he blind?
Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks.
Not my first rodeo.
Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.
No, you don't.
Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest.
So does anyone. I could arrest you right now.
Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am?
Look, I understand your sensitivity.
I've had some issues with weight myself.
I'm just saying I've been down that road.
I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded.
Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right?
But as soon as I started eating healthier,
I noticed I wasn't so moody.
And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.
Ma'am.
You...
She's got tremendous upper body strength.
Backup! Backup!
She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck.
Backup!
Backup! Backup!
Look, I know you're new here and all,
but "backup" seems like a pretty universal term.
Hey. Can I give you a lift?
What, on that?
With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no,
but with me, you'll be as safe as the President.
I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired?
Yes, it could.
Okay.
And here you go. Safe and sound.
Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse.
It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang.
Well, thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun.
No problem.
Listen,
if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere,
Dispatch, they can get me. You know.
Yeah, and I'll punch my number in.
Left it in the casuals. You know what?
Just give me your number and I'll remember it.
Now I'm ready.
...01... ...01...
...78. - Eight. Got it.
That's it. It's locked.
Great, so I'll see you tonight at American Joe's, right?
Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so...
Yeah, I'm there.
Good to be here.
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
No, I was just saying that
the first American Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972.
And most people, because of its service and theme,
think that it's derivative of Abe and Louie's, but it's not.
It's its own thing.
You really know a lot of facts, Paul.
Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret.
Well, I don't hit women,
Hey, why don't you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks?
Hey, listen, I... We're basically already together, so...
I wasn't... I didn't even realize that.
I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight.
I mean, it's not like you really had a chance, okay?
Security guard? Really.
But you're a pen salesman, dude.
Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me.
All right, bro. Back off. You know, we're all just here having fun.
Okay, bro.
What?
Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother.
Security blood runs deep between... Yeah, let's just go.
Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay.
And, go!
Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew.
I know.
Told you, boy. You better hurry up.
There you go. Nachos in my face.
Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper.
Nachos are good, man.
Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone.
You're lagging behind.
Come on, Paul. Playing games.
I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much.
Twist it.
Feel the nub.
You want fruit?
Bye! You blinked! You blinked.
Time to pluck the grape from the vine.
Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity.
Coming on the left.
False alarm.
Told my mom everything about us.
What are you talking about?
You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural.
You know. You so know.
No, I'm sorry, Paul. I don't know.
Snap. Pop goes the weasel.
So happy!
Yeah!
Yeah!
I believe in magic!
No way!
I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear.
It's fine, Ma.
Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart. I think I'm just gonna turn in.
Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up?
I don't think so, Ma. It's fine.
If something's gonna work, it would be the sloppy joe.
But that would probably... You know.
You know, if you're doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet potato fries.
But it... Whatever, you know. Well done. Yeah.
Maya. Hey.
Dad. I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
There are other fish in the sea.
You just gotta keep looking.
And it doesn't matter what you do.
Because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you,
all bets are off.
If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us.
I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear a word you were saying.
You just have to...
Is that a tattoo?
I... Yeah, yeah, it is.
When did you get it?
It's the Loch Ness monster.
I don't drink.
That was
a little weird the other night, huh?
Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah.
Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse?
You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood.
And what happens is the capillaries...
Yeah, look. A lot of people...
Pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off.
And if you did, too, believe me, I get it.
I just... I guess what I'm asking is that you don't.
Okay. You know, I'm sorry, I've just...
I've gotta cash my paycheck before the bank closes. I'm...
No problem. Maybe we could talk later or something?
You know, Paul, everybody texts these days.
I can't believe you don't have a cell phone.
I'm not about all this technology, Vijay.
I prefer face-to-face interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment.
300 bucks?
I dug myself into a really deep hole with this girl, you gotta help me. Please.
Paul, you've always been a straight shooter, so I'll tell you what.
Why don't you take my daughter Parisa's phone?
I'm punishing her.
No. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,
she went over her minutes.
When and if she decides to turn her life around, I'll simply take it back.
Until then, you use it.
Hey. It's too late to go in that way, guys. It's closed.
Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man.
Look, I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you.
"The Devil's Crotch."
Feel the burn, baby.
Yeah.
You need a pen, don't you?
You know what? No, I'm good.
Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain.
How would you like to sign your name with this panther?
You know what? More than anything.
It's yours. I insist.
Oh, hey, guys.
Yeah.
Paul. Paul, can you help me out?
I need to shoot over to the bank for a minute.
There's a few kids inside, just finishing up their games.
Could you close up the arcade for me?
You know, video game might cheer you right up.
Nah, I'm on duty.
Welcome to the games!
Get set.
Go.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.
Game over.
We are ready.
Let's do this.
Attention shoppers.
Please make your way to the nearest exits.
Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early.
Everybody out, now!
You, too!
Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me...
I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people trying to take over the mall.
Tell them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages.
What are you doing? Get down.
Oh, my God.
Surprised? I know.
But here's the craziest part.
I'm the leader.
Reports are, they're inside the bank and they got hostages.
This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units around the back to secure the perimeter.
See if we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately.
Let's get all these civilians out of here.
See if we can gain access into the loading dock.
Hello?
Feeling alive?
I'm sorry?
Parisa.
She makes you feel alive, doesn't she?
This must be Pahud. Pahud, no, I'm not with Parisa.
My name's Paul Blart.
Parisa's dad took her cell phone away, and he lent it to me.
Do not lie to me, Paul Blart. Do not lie to me.
You are probably sweating over her right now.
I'm not lying.
I mean, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone.
That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world.
Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet.
Paul, the pain of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, man.
Pahud, no one can blame you for being upset.
I mean, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak to the mix.
Wow. Them's some heavy words, Paul Blart.
Hey, life is heavy.
Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh?
So why do you not head over to Orange Julius,
call up my friend Sameer Oh?
Tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up.
Wait a second. How'd you know I was at the mall?
I track Parisa's phone with GPS. Don't you judge me.
Closing time already.
Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall.
Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit.
And 15 for you.
Okay.
Now this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine.
They change every day, so make sure
that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday.
Veck, six guys in standard formation, just like you said.
Perfect.
Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!
And these little piggies went all the way home.
Do it.
Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the Mission.
Hey, everyone. A couple requests.
Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut,
give up your cell phones, and as a general rule, do as I say.
You do all these things... Well, you'll be back at home in no time.
Back to your mediocre lives.
I was hoping that you and I could have a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on.
You know, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course.
What do you say?
Go to hell.
Ouch.
Hey, Stewie, you don't mind that I'm hitting on your girlfriend, do you?
What? No. She's not my girlfriend.
But I specifically heard you say that you two were "basically together."
No. I didn't say that we were together. I said that she's into leather.
Have at it. If you...
God, you're an idiot.
Hello?
This is Sergeant Howard of the West Orange Police Department.
Yeah, well, so here's the deal.
As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by all the doors,
so if you wanna enter my mall,
you might as well bring at least six body bags.
He's drilling the safe, and they have eyes on us.
See if we can tap into the security cameras.
Now look, no one's gonna try and enter the mall.
Is there anything you need? Do you need any food? Do you need any water?
Oh, man. This dude doesn't deviate from the book at all.
You know, since you're asking, I would love a Happy Meal,
you know, but... Make sure the toy is the sea monster,
'cause I already have the dragon.
Okay, okay, now what is it you really want?
Silence.
Hey, I'm sorry, mall's closed,
but I can help you find the nearest exit if you just tell me where you parked.
Sweet mercy.
This is not happening, this is not happening, this is...
Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think.
Now what are you trained to do?
Nothing.
Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it.
Yo, we got a straggler.
I don't know. Give up, I guess.
Guys, what is wrong with you? We stick to the plan.
We got a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named Paul Barth.
He says he's a security officer in the mall.
Hey. Blart? He's one of my guys.
Paul, this is Sergeant Howard of West Orange Police Department.
The mall has been taken over, and they have hostages.
I need you to exit the building immediately.
We don't need any wild cards in this situation.
Copy that. Never been a wild card.
Unless you consider the game of Uno wild.
Okay, okay. Come on, don't die. Don't die.
Blart.
Don't pee. Don't pee.
Guys, motion detector just went off at Door 26. Everybody on it.
Amy.
What the hell is he doing? Come on!
Blart, come on!
Is he crying?
Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please?
Blart, this is Brooks. What's going on?
Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it.
What oath? We don't have an oath.
I sort of made up my own. It's on a plaque in my room.
Listen, I think you're making a big mistake.
SWAT's on the way.
And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you're untrained, you're unarmed,
and let's face it, son, you present a huge target.
With all due respect, sir, I can't observe and report from the outside.
Over.
Well, Sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside.
Amy, Paul Blart here. Are you still in the mall?
Send.
Got him.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! Think!
Hold it together.
Heart of a warrior.
I missed lunch.
Thank you.
This isn't happening, this is not happening.
Hey! Don't make this hard.
You like that?
Brooks, I took out a girl, but the guy, he ran away.
But let the record show, I did not hit a woman. I just...
I put all my weight on her.
Oh, Paul.
No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine.
Well, good, let's get you out of there.
No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started.
What the heck is this?
Give me that.
Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again.
Since you refuse to come out, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank
and find out where they're holding the hostages.
With honor, sir.
Good to know.
Hey, I haven't heard back from Donner or Vixen.
Okay. I'm calling an audible here, everyone.
And I need to get this mall locked down from the inside immediately.
Why don't we just start wasting hostages? That'll stop them.
Well, that's one way to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside.
I'm Commander Kent. My team is deploying. I need this location secured.
and get all these people out of here.
Whoa, whoa, this is all done already.
My men are gonna do it again, the right way.
Have your guys fall back, now. Have there been any demands?
I got snipers at the ready, communications in check.
Let's tap into security now, and let's get some visuals.
You can't. They knocked out the video cameras.
I'll be ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one. I'm in charge.
Brooks, I'm observing the bank now.
They got one assailant guarding the hostages.
There she is.
My, God. You are my angel pie.
Here come the love sweats.
Paul, your radio's still on.
Roger that.
Don't tell me one of your beat cops is trying to be a hero.
No, he's neither. His name is Blart. He's one of my security guards.
Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser in high school. Give me that.
Blart.
This is Commander James Kent. New Jersey SWAT.
We went to high school together. Remember?
I set you on fire at the pancake festival?
Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.
Go Green Hawks.
Yeah, listen. I've got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out here.
At my command, we are retaking this location,
and there's no way I'm compromising this mission so that some mall monitor
who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up.
Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed. All I heard was "lunch" and "friend."
Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back on?
Listen to me, Blart,
you are no longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is that clear?
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing?
Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area.
I'm gonna get a closer look.
Veck.
There he is!
Let's get in the back, huh?
Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn't get them out.
But I know who the leader is. It's Veck.
Veck? The trainee?
I'll pass it on to Howard.
Oh, God.
Trapped is fine by me.
Commence tanning. Three, two, one.
Yeah!
Yes!
Time for some big-game hunting.
Open, open, open! Thank God.
Oh, no.
Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it!
Get him! Get him! Get him!
You better run.
Amy, huh? What a coincidence.
We got a cute little redhead down at the bank named Amy.
Well, I guess I know who I'm killing first.
Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall.
It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing.
You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this.
Nobody wins with a head butt.
What are you talking about? Every kid has a cell phone.
I prefer handwritten sentiments.
Who are these sloppy joes for? And who gave you this?
They're mine. I'm late for my shift at Foot Locker.
We're getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you.
Silence, my ass.
What's the matter? Throw a few jabs your way,
you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb?
If you don't go toe-to-toe with that scumbag,
he's gonna roll over on you all night long.
It's all right. That's not my style.
Well, just in case, I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks, like...
Here.
This is what you been doing?
"Yeah, you and what army?"
Everyone deserves a card on their birthday.
So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up back at the crib
about how easy all this was gonna be, were you guys like,
"Man, any brain-dead mall cop that gets in the way is gonna get smoked"?
And then... And then what? You guys all high-fived?
But sadly, no codes!
And I'd say, considering all the luxury items that I have stacked up
in my Amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable!
No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking.
Give me a gun.
Put it down. Put it down.
What are you nodding about?
I was just wondering, were you serious about that Happy Meal?
It isn't coming, is it?
What?
This is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT.
You wanted to speak to me?
I just wanna make sure that no one does anything stupid.
You should know my men are deployed and ready to bring this thing to a resolution.
The easy way or the hard way.
That is such a tough call, but...
Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above!
I'm Amy, by the way.
I'm Maya. My father talked forever about you.
And I gotta say, he really does like you.
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, that's not so bad.
Oh, my God.
They've got his daughter.
Don't worry about me, okay? I'm worried about you.
I love you. All right, now, I'm gonna get you all out.
You just hang in there, okay, sweetie?
I will. I'm a Blart, remember?
Yeah. I'll see you soon.
I'm supposed to be on my way to the Cayman Islands with the hostages.
And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back by now.
"If Veck gets the codes, he's taking us to Cayman Islands"?
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.
Come and get me, Veck.
I got your codes for the credit-card machines.
That's who's been screwing all this up? You have got to be kidding me.
Give me a radio.
Let me tell you something.
You take hostages in my mall, you are making a big mistake.
You seriously undermissed...
And you seriously...
Oh, no!
Blart?
Sugar. Sugar.
Blart? You there, Blart?
Hello, Blart. You there?
Hey, Blart!
I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're gonna give up.
How about now?
I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver.
Yeah, you heard me. Never!
All right, Dad.
Hey, fellas! You looking for me?
Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.
Follow me.
There he is.
We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe.
Great. Wait for me. You know, my mom always said,
"If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself."
I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.
Prancer, take the back.
Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can I have my codes now, please?
Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands?
Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.
No.
One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass.
Comet! Don't come back till he's dead!
Brooks. Only one more left. Then it's just me and Veck.
Okay, who's talking to Blart?
Was it you, sugar mouth?
All right. Let's try this again.
Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!
It's her phone, it's hers. She's talking to him.
She's talking to him, and I told her not to. And it's under her leg.
The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That's good.
Okay.
That was close.
He is a pro.
Listen, Blart, time's up. We're busting in.
Wait! Look, Veck's after the credit-card codes, and I got them.
Just give me a few minutes.
No problem.
Isn't that cute?
Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on to your profile
on lonelyloser.com.
"Likes morning rain, walks on the beach."
Who are you, Olivia Newton-John?
I was just speaking from the heart.
Yeah, well, I didn't have to go online, Paul, to know that you love peanut brittle.
You're so pathetic.
Trippy.
This I can use.
What do you want, Veck?
I just want the $30 million that I came here for.
But, you know, I would settle offing your dream girl, or maybe your daughter.
You touch them, I swear I'll end you.
What're you gonna do, Paul?
You gonna pull up with your left hip forward giving the illusion that you have a gun,
which you and I both know you don't?
The next time I see you, Paul, I'm gonna put a bullet in your head.
I don't think so. I'm taking you down.
Blart!
Oh, Blart.
Sweet mercy.
I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.
Bravo. That was awesome.
And you were just so close to making it, too, Paul. Just so close.
Now the only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages,
you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me.
You think I'm gonna carry the phone with me that actually contains the...
What's up, man? So good to hear your voice.
Yeah, it's good to hear your voice, too, Pahud.
Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Okay, Paul, call me back! Call me back, Paul!
I mean, this just keeps getting better and better.
I mean, you are impossible to underestimate.
I mean, you can't pass the trooper exam,
you black out if you don't have a Snickers bar like every 20 minutes,
you had the chance to be the MVP, and you blew it.
Again, like you always do. Ain't that right, Maya?
What do you want me to say, Veck? You're smarter than me.
You're good on computers, you kept your weight under control.
I mean, people, they look at me and you, and...
Yeah, it's a landslide.
It's no contest.
Sorry.
Right now, you're the man with the gun.
So here you go.
Come on!
Go get him!
Go, Dad.
What...
Probably should have capitalized on that.
Dad!
Lock and load, boys. We're going in.
Hey, we're on the move.
Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Paul. Think, Paul. Think!
Let's go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects.
Get down!
Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
Down. The other one. That's the back one.
No, no. That's the same one. No! The other one!
Veck got away with my daughter and Amy.
Entry team, clear the mall. We'll pursue.
Light.
Open the door.
Let's do this.
Jimmy, give me your cell phone.
Gotta hand it to you, Blart. You're really taking care of business.
What up?
Pahud, do you still have GPS on Parisa's cell phone?
You know I do, Paul. You know I do. What can I do for you?
I need to know where it's headed.
Paul, it looks like they're on their way to McGuire Airfield.
I know where that is. Thanks.
Hang on.
My God. There they are. Jimmy, take the wheel.
What?
Here we go! Here we go!
That was me. I can't...
Here I go! No!
Blart!
Don't do it! Blart!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Maya! Maya, get inside.
Paul?
I really don't drink.
Come on. Oh, yeah?
Dad!
Man, that hypoglycemia is a killer.
I told you I'd take you down.
Blart!
Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a gun.
I hope you don't mind if I use one.
What?
I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands then, huh?
Soon as I get my money.
Yeah, well, you'll be needing this.
Just give it to him, Dad.
Oh, I will. Suck on that!
Okay. Situation update?
We have seven assailants in custody, sir.
You see, jackass? I don't need the phone.
'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arm.
Now, I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses.
And since everybody thinks this was a bank...
I got a newsflash for you. Your flight's been canceled.
That's better than anything I got.
You did good, Dad.
Yeah, I am pretty great.
You know, she doesn't need a green card.
I don't know what to say.
I have something I want to say to you.
Happy birthday, Amy.
I heard you applied to be a state trooper.
You say the word, my department would be proud to have you.
Thank you, sir. But I think I'm gonna stick with what I do best.
It's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
submitted by El_Mucho_Danko to wasteoftime [link] [comments]


2016.09.14 01:16 Arsustyle Entire script of Paul Blart: Mall Cop put through multiple layers of Google Translate

hurry! moving! 50 yards! Now, let's go! Away with him! hurry! Yes, my God! Preparation time, Kobe! On the contrary, the support! I arrived! You want to be me? More exercise! Okay, here too Now destroy it. Dean, come on! all. Now, full of all the written test. Through the obstacle which do not Libyan training program. Remember him Store, protect the edges NJ. Yes. Sorry approved father. Make our cross. My name is hypoglycaemia. But consectetur adipiscing ELIT of. God, Lamb of God, will you? Today, Mom. I am joking. Yes, I have some living will. you... No, it means the end of the day. ET 06 hours 41 minutes pies. OKAY. He said, And now, stuck his head, but the man Talking instead. pie. Go to It will help you heal. You always knew it, but sometimes not Accumsan restored except the horse, and said to them "." Children do not say. Some woman. And long, okay? Sound market. Do you know? Peanut butter. Simply enter the cracks in his heart. Please pain. What is it? Poly. Five. I just mom. I'm ready to play. sheep. Please. Alternatively, I do not want to spend time searching. But I'm not alone. You have two. Do you know? After the arrival of Black Friday, Full of God, Mary, full map of lamb thing. What is it? But it is the busiest shopping day of the year. Yes, it might be good to try to describe this dress. I think that one of the servers that here, "Tacitus is over. You know, Black Friday is coming." "Paul did not tell Gus Black Friday. "The way you think "Eagle Eye hoof?" We are ready. Father, all things are Glad for the rest of your life? I told you to ask: "If you are not a friend in November, "I ask you Perfectmatch.com a sign for me." This year four. OKAY. Here it is. OKAY. "Are you a girl?" Oh, at least you mom something special. Yes, the situation of illegal immigration. You married into the city, he left us. This is absolutely not true! But we are perplexed, again good for me. Well, I hate it. Well, if you do not know. You gave me. I feel good. you are. you are. But questions. "Tell us." Let's see. I know a lot of places. Send me, I see you. Well-established, and kissed him. Grandma horrible. It was awful. What are you doing? I see you have a few years to outline complaint and beautiful. No, my. I do not know. I said, "Look at me, look at?" I do not think too small But what we want. Reference is made to reward. Do not sweat published. Dear God! Hi! In the rear part of the vehicle. IH, my goodness. Please. During Chompers! Hey, you know what people live? I did it. Do you love Taylor. (12) However, stables, heated seats. Well, to keep firing your child's feet. emptied! Well, my tongue paralyzed. All righty. with you. thanks. Honour. Yes, ah, I know. It is not included here. This is a minivan. ... This can not be supported. Puck travel far on the board ... He will live in history. pole! Honour. What does it mean? Messi and my business rumors, it is difficult to peace, Thank you to the store. What is your job? For all of us. If we attack the food court, see He had to compromise the operation and Inland God's help in cutting the pipe. This is one of the two missions and stone classic. One asked what gave you? What is even. Therefore, because only this one, iron of iron, and the rest? Holiday safety not occur. Your mother did not choose the pillow? Blart. This is The Sims. This trainees. Today the track. Honour. Paul Blart. old. Discuss. Veck Sims. Well, welcome to provide vecka Sims performance. They are in the mountains. That is it. Good product. it is. Her sweet son. Mash up. Can you seek safety? And they completed high school. I can not achieve. Yes, ah, I do the job status of such articles. Now the goose. Hypoglycaemia. Chaos, right? Cut yourself some leeway. When she went to the first day, years later, lose your job. These, they found me, and sports a beard in the position of the fetus. joke. No beard. My uncle. Are you warm. If you are a hacker access That's what I want. carrot extract By placing his right hand on the thigh, and therefore falls in front of the left hip, We give you the illusion of a firearm. In fact, we Unable to. OKAY? You know, how can you? And our voice? But words. If you remember, the day is. And every open vessel, it is not only the soul of the event. right. scary. How we long for lunch? half. And five minutes 20 rooms with social Adjust your five minutes. We went on a roller coaster. Oh Lord, it is considered a small amount of film required. Please enter. flow. The advantage to attract the right traffic camel coat, red sea scooter. Master. thanks. It's like rash driving has been the main ah. You are laughing. I'm not kidding safety buyer. I am afraid of being summoned from you. After a virgin before work. The last will be first. Master. Master. Lord, ah, ah shares. So this should not be harder than that? When you can ... Oh! Master. I warn him. You and speakers. Master. Master. I am the Lord ...... warning. Master. Master. Master. OKAY. Moreover, within weeks. Practices. Practices. Practices. Honour. Hello. what are you supposed to do? Yes. I look forward. thanks. What is it? Yes. Yes. Just look hair extension. It is a little high, you need a lot. Four men? Do you have a man's head? Do you have a man's head? he? Dangerous threats, Van body? I do not think. Who is it? Oh, it is. It is true. Yes. It is safe. ... "I know I'm not. dazzling. OKAY? That is it. Never good. But they were still docked pay. Yes. You know how you are? You should get the security tape You know you know how to sell anywhere, you can say such incidents in the same America. Hello, early retirement. Yes ah, right? Cool. Well, if you have anything against me. Yes, ah, this is Blart. I can, I have all kiosks. Who is it? Reported from five sectors and the eunuch, Blart. Why the hell bother me? B of the Code shall prevail. As a fool. I checked later, you will, I know. It is very intense. Yes, yes, oh. Royal guards. Why? Some just say Safe Allows perfect ... If I'm sorry to call you, seriously, I'm the worst. No no no no. You, if you know? It's really a big, big business Now, the brewing industry It should be an object, or reassure stakeholders. I'm sure you noticed. And he did not. Face. You're boring. But I know. Bandwidth. And it's a busy day of shopping? Okay, oh yes. Japan and the worst. It should fall this year's Black Friday, you probably will not be what I am short. Everyone is too busy shopping. Do you know? Yes. Re autumn. Yes. I think the color. I had to do so. This is Lorem. And $ 9.95 $ 9.95? Yes. Discuss. At this price, you think ponytail and got me. all. thanks. thanks. right. And it is there. OKAY. And it is there. Thanks for eyimieul. Blart officers, thank you. Hey, Blart. Wow, that's a nice shirt. And when the middle? This is something form But that's why we have a mechanical protection advantage, so you need to ... No, buy. number "I do not think this shirt and reason ... In fact, there is a thicker layer. This is because they have a contaminant. However, it is not. However, it is not. number I do not understand why you're laughing. I love you fat. I do not laughing. Yes,. Amy. Hey, I want to see everyone in the sacred action. OKAY? However, the chopped onions nerves. Discuss. Discuss. good. It depends on the situation. Yeah, wow. Excellent. Hey, Blart, go to Victoria's Secret. Okay, Roger. Oh, I should go. OKAY. Hello. I knew that for the first time. No no. male. Problem. What is the reason? Insert the search for the soul of bra push the end of this size. It will be tomorrow. I will be at noon. But now there is a need. I have a date night. Really? Blinded? Hi! Waterproof shoes and socks bag. First, not the courts. Well, girls, you need ID. No no. Madam, I am, I have the power to citizens, understand and deliver you. Who does not. I can not understand the process. It is true. He can not. Hey, I can not say. OKAY? Secondly, you do not want, woman? That is the point. I had a weight problem. The big man said to me? No, not really exist. I down the same way. ...... I would say I'm with her. Are we, if you know? failed. Face it, we eat to fill the void judgment But after a healthy meal I found sad. Psalms, lamb and clean. Do I need to keep? Of course. restaurant. you... However, but the strength of her body. support! support! She bit my neck. She bit my neck. support! support! support! I know I'm new to all of you But in general, such as "later" beautiful. Honour. Can you keep it? Why? I want this experience to be a driver But I want you to safely CEO. I do not know. Why GB can not be burned? So what can be. OKAY. All of these things? God will protect you. And it is there. security. 65 Mustang. Yes. Do not you think a happy horse named Mustang. Mustang P-51, and the name of the operation. For aircraft. Know. Yes, thank you Paul. It was so much fun. No problem. hear If you know the work rides everywhere I can accelerate a person. Do you know? Or text. Yes. Oh yes, ring. My phone? Oh yes, I love some things through my. I put on temporary workers. Do you know? Give me your number, I remember. OKAY. Ready? Yes. all. 555 ... yet. but...... I'm ready. 555 ... 555 ... 1 ... 1 ... ... ... ... 78 - 8. understood. it is. It locks. Okay, I can see you tonight, USA, Joe trial Oh yes, his whole family, so ...... Yes. ...... who are you? I go... Oh yes, I was. exciting. Hello. OKAY. Hello. Honour. Hi! Honour. Paul is very happy. It's good here. For your fun ... This place sucks. From the outside? number I'm sorry, did you say? But, as I said First, in 1972, the world has really opened the door trillion. Most of them are for the Love argument, I think Abe Louis yudoeul but it does not. But do not worry. I want to learn a lot, Paul. Hey, Blart, I heard your ass handed to you a fat chick Victoria's Secret. I do not hit women I do not know what ... Yes. A small truck, right? I am not in you, you're right, one of their own needs, let us drink a garrison of the girls from? I would love to see you there. OKAY. I do not want to give her another drink offerings? "This is the salvation Stewart. No no. good. good. ... They are good. OKAY. My Lord, so ... now basically a hear my words ... ... Otherwise instead. ...... But I do not. Yes. I just want to keep him trapped Risus. OKAY? They got it. However, I am okay, said not a chance? Vigil? Really. Are you a pen sell, they come. Oh, yes, you bought a Camry should feed me. OKAY,. remove. All of us, gambling is just that I know. Well, my brother. What is it? Hail complaining about my brother, is preferred. Deep ... Oh yes, just the safety of human blood between Gaza. Six. Go. Prepare a noble? number yet. I'm ready. OKAY. Go to! čŽąæ˜‚æĩ·å§†åˆĐ is better to chew, I hope I can give. Know. You are my son. You have to hurry. with you. Cornflakes on my face. IH, my goodness. This pepper. Four pepper. IH, my goodness. pepper. Cornflakes, man. It is best to inform all your friends, kids. Cornflakes moves. You are backward. I go to Paul. The Olympic Games. I love cornflakes, I would say. This is crazy lemonade. Yes, Paul. The yireohanneun beads. No, it is not enough. distortion. I think the main point. Hey, you want something? It is here. Yes. I want you fruit of thy womb? Hi! He winks! And flashes. You can enjoy your time in grape wine. But in the bag! Hot jiggity. It goes to the left. False alarm. My mother and I are all around us. What did you say? You are afraid. I have arrived. But nature. Do you know? Knowing you. No, I'm sorry, Paul. I do not know. capture. People weasel. Happiness! Yes! Yes! I believe in magic; There is no way! I do not regret my love. The semaphore. Oh, what a father, why not consider a failure? Yes. Yes, ah, I do not think a woman. But I just put the film. Because the time has come for a meal ah, the particular circumstances of this case, God had to comfort you? I do not think my mom. It's a good thing. Labor will be something "non-skilled Lamb of God, Joe. ... But you probably know. If they can make sweet potato fries, of course, Joe unskilled. ...... But no matter, you know. Good game. Yes. Maya. Honour. sheep. I'm really sorry. It is not important. There are other fish in the sea. You see. or. Moreover, I knew the real-time time All Paris rose. If not enough, we must at any time. Sorry, my dear, I have to stop construction. I hear them say. You are missing ... There was a tattoo? 1 ... yes. Oh yes. Oh, it is. Once you understand? I am a night. What is it? This Nessus monster. We do not drink. Honour. Hello. it is That night, a little weird, right? Yes, you know wartime. Yes. What you are, but if your wallet? You see Start sugar alcohol in the blood. And he makes the capillaries ... Oh yeah, look. Many people ... Almost all of you know, I, I will try. But if you believe me, I do not understand. I just ... I think I will see you to ask you to do. OKAY. I'm sorry, you know, I ... My salary, I have money in the bank is closed. An ... No problem. Maybe we can talk later? It is your course. Me, or how this message can ...... OKAY. Yes. In Figure 1, you can do this. In Figure 1, you can do this. You create one, I know Paul. I can not believe that it would be a mobile phone. I have this technology, there is no BJ. I prefer to talk face to face face to face in my life, or I have the memo. Leo, 300? The girl must help me dig a deep hole. Please. Paul, you can always talk to, then pull it straight out. Why is not my daughter, Paris, phone company? But I can not do it. The No No No No No I punish him. All components and N boyfriend Pahud and what And through time. But you will be ready to accept the transformation in my life, but I accept it. I approaching. thanks. Of course. The area of ​​a few minutes. Of course. Honour. Move this person. This off. No one would have. Yes. I think we are. Paul, come on. Here people. I know for sure that you do not feel anything they can do for you. "Progress devil." Hope baby pictures. Thank you Leon. Move me. Said rod loans. heard. Yes. I have a pen? Do you know? No, I'm fine. I just spend the stable. Oh yes, you can do it. Yes. (5) 280 source and summit. It was great. Yes, ah, I know. How to sign the name of the place? Do you know? More than anything else. Yes, ah, that's great. It is here. Yes. I can give you. I'm asking. Please, people. Honour. Honour. Honour. I do not like you on Friday? Yes. The best night of the week. Yes. Pardon. I'm really sorry. Honour. pole. Paul, can you help me? Bank of folding, and soon works. In addition, some children love the game itself. Arcade, you can silence me It is your course. No, master Ferguson. OKAY. And you? This seems to be a slight problem. Yes, ah, I'm fine. See, because I know the game, you call. Hi, I arrived at the office. Welcome to the Olympic Games! Berry. Go to Arizona. Arizona. Arizona. Arizona. Arizona. Arizona. Arizona. Arizona. Arizona. Arizona. Game over. We are ready. start. Attention to the customer. I ask to leave the next camp. For closing the first day. all! all! We have now! You too! Hello. Hi! Hi! I already ... Pretium is aliquam pipe to the west. Hello. Lord, ah, he tries, there are some crazy ass her husband. I'm here. And news! SWAT told them. Hostages, they can not. What are you doing? down. IH, my goodness. I do not know? Know. The crazy part. I am a leader. The report I am afraid they are hostages. Typically, this is Mark. Businesses need to protect the four borders. We can build eye. They brought directly to me. You must give all citizens. This method is not covered by a clear stance courts. Go to Here. 94 are moved to them. Good morning? live? Pardon? Paris. He felt, however? This is Pahud. Pahud is, no, I'm in Paris. Paul Blart, name it. Paris, he received a phone parent, to guide me. Do not cheat Paul Blart. Do not lie to me. You may need to sweat. I'm not lying. I tried very hard to say, I sweat. She is the goddess of good angels in this world. Also, there is something crazy six feet. Paul prayed the pain was too much for me. Pahud, no one bothered to blame. I mean, but he was slow to anger holiday combination. Discuss. "Paul Blart is too heavy for them. Hey, life is difficult. Of course you can. You're right, what else? Why go to the end Julius Samir call my friend? Now, tell me my debt. This will be helpful. Venter. You know you're the man? Cell phone tracking is the Global Positioning System Parisian society. You choose me. The day is not far away. Well, there are 223 stores in this market. This book is more than 15 stops. 15 because of you. OKAY. AMET sitting now convinced, and received copies of all customer cards. They change daily The code returns me today (Friday). Vecka to you because he has trained six myeongneun in Latin. complete. bomb! bomb! bomb! bomb! He came to the house of a little pig. Perform. The remaining Gary Group Report. All you can. Prayer of torque. Connecting to your humanity, you have to shut your mouth ground Save the phone number, I usually do not say. All you ... yes, you can stay at home. Return to life expectancy. They do not know. Amy. I work all the conditions of each of the products, please. You obviously a little hail of gunfire die, you know. What did you say? Go to hell everywhere. Av. Hey, Stu, you should have your own friends, I do not drink? What is it? No, the daughter of my wife. Especially the two men, you say, said, "Most of the cases." No, we say that we can not at the same time. They say in Pella. which. If ... God, you are a fool. Good morning? Western sheriff, who has the mark. I am talking to you? Hello. Yes ah, if the transaction. I like all the institutions through exercise and doors, I've learned the hard way My forums, so if you want Get at least six ELIT body. It is safe, we have trained their eyes. Maybe we can take advantage of a security camera. See you try to write a threshold. You Want What? You eat meat? Do you have water? Oh. Games boyiyi books and disillusionment. You know, you ask me, they love Happy Meal, You should know ...... whales, toys, The reason I am willing. Okay, okay, why are you now? silence. Hey, I'm sorry, markets and companies If you can tell me where he was born to find the next word. Oh thank you. In addition, it is not therefore. IH, my goodness. Oh, Paul, I think, I think. But I have learned to do? nothing. That is to say, I find this as, hmm. I have been in keeping with tradition, we owe. report. John, but I think the main dock. This is a security guard. What should we do? I do not know. Grant, I think. Guys, what's wrong with you? We adhere to the program. We also have a 911 operator the name of the man Paul Robat connection. He told us that the best security on the market. Honour. Blart? Here are my athletes. Paul is saying, Sergeant Thomas Westport Aliquam Aliquam sad. Male prisoners are hostages. The immediate task was to build. You do not have the card in place outside. Such. Never wildcard. First, do not you think honey Stadium. Blart! Here oxygen, okay? Yes. Yes sir. My own way. Oh yes. Then we die, come on. He did not die. Blart. Do not pee. Do not pee. Guys and go to the door of the sport, the detector every 26 people. Amy. What do anyway? I arrived! Paul, come on! Paulie, come on! What are you doing? I just Blart! Blart has come! hurry! moving! I arrived! I arrived! Results here! I arrived! And he crying? Do not. Where did he go? Blart! Where are you going? Blart recover! You talk to him, please? Blart, it is Brooks. What are you doing? Oh Lord, and his oath, malls garrison. What is their secret? Please ed. What is my name. Place the cost of the panel. At least one big mistake, I think you want to hear. SWAT is one way. I want the icing on unarmed confused you And a huge gift symbol of the face of his son. IMHO, my God, you're not, you can not save the earth. great. Also look in the eyes of the service. Amy, what Paul Blart. Are you still on the market? send. Go away. IH, my goodness. IH, my goodness. think. think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! think? Control. Strong heart. I missed lunch. thanks. It's not really, it does not happen. Hi! This is not a difficult task. Do you have time? Brooks, I was a girl, but very annoying, they fled. Wow, Paul did not escape him. Yes. Beautiful woman, but the book marking. An ... I will do my own weight. Oh, Paul. No no. She finally came to an end. Well, you kind of horse and lead. Sir, we can not do it. My God, my lamb, he left. After all what? Please me. Mark Paul is the slope. Because they do not bank can enter a lamb, because you have a And he was taken hostage in order to learn from them. And glory, oh master. One out alone. Hey, Donna, do not listen to one or females. OKAY. We invite all altaeun here. Once settled, we must move from a shopping center. How could we have lost since the beginning of the hostages? They can stop you. Oh, that's how it is, but to escape blindly against the hostages. I was Captain Kent. Team Coaching. Position to complete the operation. However, we have been around the world three blocks ...... full implementation Meanwhile, all the people. Oh, hey, and all these things. Again, my people, my children the right way and with a lot. Now do it again. Are there any requirements? Dinner in absolute silence, you will be blessed. But let's make some noise. Gunman ready to communicate inspection. Excavation benefits of security and vision. You can not do that. To attack the camera. I calculated - three-step, two, one instruction. I'm responsible. Brooks noted, it is now a bank. Or less, but in the meantime, the prison of the hostages. This. My God. You are my angel pie. He loved to sweat. Paul, you are still in school. Okay. What are you doing? Who is it? We were worried. A brave attempt to police violence, tell me. But it did not. His name is Blart. Transport and mining. Venter. Blart? Yes. Paul Blart? Yes. He is a joke right? This video was produced for the losers. Please me. Blart. This is Captain James Kent. New Jersey SWAT. Go to school. Remember you? Baked in ashes, I will eat your brand? That is it. Hey, Jimmy. Go Green Eagle. Yes, I've heard. I saw (50) can understand the weapon was very sick in the present study. I trust to naegayi place we The other way is there at the foot of the prices of the Working Group, I have not He went to lunch with friends who saw. Sorry, son touch of a button. We heard a "dinner" "Yes." This is not your day, Brooks face behind the end? , For Blart; Duke delivers a more valley. The obvious? Good morning? Good morning? I sit down? I ask you, Lord, oh, Paul, you have to do? Of course it did not go in the area nugudoyi hostage. I want to take a closer look. Veck. Here it is! Everyone in the room! Let's go! Now again, is not it? Brooks. He lost sight of the hostages. I can not go out. But I do not know who he is guide. This is weeks. Veck? What intern? N and cycads. I do not think. Manoa through, he told me.
Five. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
whats the problem?
Yes.
I love you.
Yes.
Blart?
Oh! Blart? Sugar. Sugar. Blart?
What?
number
all.
good. OKAY.
Blart!
I'm very sorry.
submitted by Arsustyle to copypasta [link] [comments]


2016.09.13 22:17 sarkastikbeggar The entire script of Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Let's go! Move it!
50 more yards!
All right, let's go! Pick it up!
You're running out of time, Bryant!
Make it all the way around the track! Come on!
You want to be troopers? You better move it!
All right, next, get up here!
Let's hit it now.
Dean, come on!
All right. You've all completed the written exam.
However, you must now pass the obstacle course
to be admitted into the training program.
And remember, survive this,
and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.
Yeah.
Sorry about the test, Dad.
We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.
Mine is named hypoglycemia.
Well, that's why you always have to have sugar nearby.
Are you gonna have pie?
Not tonight, Ma.
I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie.
You...
No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.
and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now,
and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go.
It really helps heal.
And, you know, not always, but sometimes,
you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, "Whatever."
Kids don't talk like that.
Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?
I hear them in the mall. You know?
Peanut butter.
It just fills the cracks of the heart.
Go away, pain.
Oh, no. Come on, Ma.
I'm not ready for this right now.
We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone.
But I'm not alone.
I've got you two. You know?
And besides, Black Friday's coming,
so my dance card's gonna be pretty full.
What? It's the busiest shopping day of the year.
Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians.
I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday's coming."
"Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me Black Friday's coming.
"Why do you think I've been walking around here
"with the eyes of an eagle?"
with being happy for the rest of your life?
You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a girlfriend by November,
"I'll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com."
That was last year.
Okay.
"What are you looking for in a woman?"
Well, your mother certainly had something special.
Yeah, illegal immigrant status.
She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us.
That's not entirely true.
We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me.
She gave me you.
Okay, next question. "Tell us about yourself."
Let's see.
I know a lot about sharks.
Let me stop you right there.
Well-built and a great hugger.
Awesome, Grandma.
Not as awesome as this.
What are you doing?
Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back.
Ma, no.
I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"?
Well, that is exactly what we want.
Eyes on the prize.
And don't worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts.
Dear God!
Hey! Back away from the vehicle.
Oh, dear God. Please.
Chompers, get down!
Hey, you know where a men's room is?
I do. You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.
They got 12 stalls and heated seats.
Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!
Okay, my lip is numb.
All righty.
Hey.
Yeah, I know.
That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan.
... he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board...
He keeps the play alive.
What is this?
That's my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy's
down through the specialty shops.
You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court,
it's gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration.
It's your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario.
Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us?
Safety never takes a holiday.
Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?
Blart.
This is Sims. He's a new trainee. Let him trail you today.
Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran.
Wow. Veck Sims.
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let's mount up.
Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff.
That's it. Treat her gentle, son.
Slap it, honor it.
So what made you want to pursue security?
I never finished high school. This is all I could get.
Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself.
Right now, I'm goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia.
Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.
My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears.
They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard.
I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard.
My uncle can. Stay snug.
Now, in the event that you approach an assailant,
here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up,
left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly,
giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know
you don't.
Okay? But you know what we do have?
Our voices! We have our voices.
If you remember one thing from today, it's this.
The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster.
Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch?
Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time,
five minutes to get refocused.
We got a high roller.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right.
Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.
Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic.
Sir.
Thank you.
Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.
You're kidding.
I don't joke about shopper safety.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to issue you a citation.
Gonna need your first and last. Last first.
Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.
Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay?
Are you able to... Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.
You're pushing it.
Sir. Sir. I am warning... Sir.
Sir. Sir. Sir.
Okay.
This is adding up, sir. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back.
Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall.
Well, thank you.
Is there something else?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just looking for some hair extensions.
Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men?
Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men?
Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan?
I don't think so. Which one?
Well, that one. That one right there.
Yeah. That one, yes. That... You know, that one was me.
Although they're docking the paycheck pretty good.
Yeah.
You know what you should do? You should get the security tape,
and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff.
Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got.
Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks.
Who is this?
It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.
What the hell are you bothering me for?
You know, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense.
Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard.
and it's perfectly acceptable...
I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.
No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?
It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy
brewing in the industry right now,
whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer.
I'm sure you heard about it.
So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year?
Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday.
This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get a card.
Everyone's too busy shopping.
You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.
At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail.
All right. Thank you.
Thank you.
And, there you go.
Thank you, Amy.
Thank you, Officer Blart.
Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt.
You went with a medium?
It's a bit formfitting,
but that's 'cause we're required to wear protective vests under our...
No. Not buying it. No.
'Cause I don't see any vest underneath here, so...
No, but it's a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear.
Nope. Nope. No.
I don't understand why you're laughing. I just called you fat.
I'm not laughing.
Yeah, whatever. Amy.
Hey, everyone's going to American Joe's tonight, and I want to see you there.
Okay? We're gonna split some onion strings.
Wow. Wow.
Good.
Good hang.
Wow, yeah. That's great.
Hey, Blart, they need you at Victoria's Secret.
Okay, roger that.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay. Bye.
Ladies. Problem.
What's the genesis?
She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size.
There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon.
Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.
Really? Is he blind?
Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks.
Not my first rodeo.
Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.
No, you don't.
Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest.
So does anyone. I could arrest you right now.
Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am?
Look, I understand your sensitivity.
I've had some issues with weight myself.
I'm just saying I've been down that road.
I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded.
Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right?
But as soon as I started eating healthier,
I noticed I wasn't so moody.
And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.
Ma'am.
You...
She's got tremendous upper body strength.
Backup! Backup!
She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck.
Backup!
Backup! Backup!
Look, I know you're new here and all,
but "backup" seems like a pretty universal term.
Hey. Can I give you a lift?
What, on that?
With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no,
but with me, you'll be as safe as the President.
I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired?
Yes, it could.
Okay.
And here you go. Safe and sound.
Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse.
It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang.
Well, thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun.
No problem.
Listen,
if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere,
Dispatch, they can get me. You know.
Yeah, and I'll punch my number in.
Left it in the casuals. You know what?
Just give me your number and I'll remember it.
Now I'm ready.
...01... ...01...
...78. - Eight. Got it.
That's it. It's locked.
Great, so I'll see you tonight at American Joe's, right?
Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so...
Yeah, I'm there.
Good to be here.
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
No, I was just saying that
the first American Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972.
And most people, because of its service and theme,
think that it's derivative of Abe and Louie's, but it's not.
It's its own thing.
You really know a lot of facts, Paul.
Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret.
Well, I don't hit women,
Hey, why don't you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks?
Hey, listen, I... We're basically already together, so...
I wasn't... I didn't even realize that.
I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight.
I mean, it's not like you really had a chance, okay?
Security guard? Really.
But you're a pen salesman, dude.
Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me.
All right, bro. Back off. You know, we're all just here having fun.
Okay, bro.
What?
Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother.
Security blood runs deep between... Yeah, let's just go.
Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay.
And, go!
Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew.
I know.
Told you, boy. You better hurry up.
There you go. Nachos in my face.
Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper.
Nachos are good, man.
Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone.
You're lagging behind.
Come on, Paul. Playing games.
I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much.
Twist it.
Feel the nub.
You want fruit?
Bye! You blinked! You blinked.
Time to pluck the grape from the vine.
Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity.
Coming on the left.
False alarm.
Told my mom everything about us.
What are you talking about?
You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural.
You know. You so know.
No, I'm sorry, Paul. I don't know.
Snap. Pop goes the weasel.
So happy!
Yeah!
Yeah!
I believe in magic!
No way!
I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear.
It's fine, Ma.
Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart. I think I'm just gonna turn in.
Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up?
I don't think so, Ma. It's fine.
If something's gonna work, it would be the sloppy joe.
But that would probably... You know.
You know, if you're doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet potato fries.
But it... Whatever, you know. Well done. Yeah.
Maya. Hey.
Dad. I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
There are other fish in the sea.
You just gotta keep looking.
And it doesn't matter what you do.
Because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you,
all bets are off.
If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us.
I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear a word you were saying.
You just have to...
Is that a tattoo?
I... Yeah, yeah, it is.
When did you get it?
It's the Loch Ness monster.
I don't drink.
That was
a little weird the other night, huh?
Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah.
Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse?
You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood.
And what happens is the capillaries...
Yeah, look. A lot of people...
Pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off.
And if you did, too, believe me, I get it.
I just... I guess what I'm asking is that you don't.
Okay. You know, I'm sorry, I've just...
I've gotta cash my paycheck before the bank closes. I'm...
No problem. Maybe we could talk later or something?
You know, Paul, everybody texts these days.
I can't believe you don't have a cell phone.
I'm not about all this technology, Vijay.
I prefer face-to-face interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment.
300 bucks?
I dug myself into a really deep hole with this girl, you gotta help me. Please.
Paul, you've always been a straight shooter, so I'll tell you what.
Why don't you take my daughter Parisa's phone?
I'm punishing her.
No. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,
she went over her minutes.
When and if she decides to turn her life around, I'll simply take it back.
Until then, you use it.
Hey. It's too late to go in that way, guys. It's closed.
Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man.
Look, I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you.
"The Devil's Crotch."
Feel the burn, baby.
Yeah.
You need a pen, don't you?
You know what? No, I'm good.
Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain.
How would you like to sign your name with this panther?
You know what? More than anything.
It's yours. I insist.
Oh, hey, guys.
Yeah.
Paul. Paul, can you help me out?
I need to shoot over to the bank for a minute.
There's a few kids inside, just finishing up their games.
Could you close up the arcade for me?
You know, video game might cheer you right up.
Nah, I'm on duty.
Welcome to the games!
Get set.
Go.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.
Game over.
We are ready.
Let's do this.
Attention shoppers.
Please make your way to the nearest exits.
Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early.
Everybody out, now!
You, too!
Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me...
I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people trying to take over the mall.
Tell them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages.
What are you doing? Get down.
Oh, my God.
Surprised? I know.
But here's the craziest part.
I'm the leader.
Reports are, they're inside the bank and they got hostages.
This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units around the back to secure the perimeter.
See if we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately.
Let's get all these civilians out of here.
See if we can gain access into the loading dock.
Hello?
Feeling alive?
I'm sorry?
Parisa.
She makes you feel alive, doesn't she?
This must be Pahud. Pahud, no, I'm not with Parisa.
My name's Paul Blart.
Parisa's dad took her cell phone away, and he lent it to me.
Do not lie to me, Paul Blart. Do not lie to me.
You are probably sweating over her right now.
I'm not lying.
I mean, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone.
That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world.
Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet.
Paul, the pain of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, man.
Pahud, no one can blame you for being upset.
I mean, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak to the mix.
Wow. Them's some heavy words, Paul Blart.
Hey, life is heavy.
Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh?
So why do you not head over to Orange Julius,
call up my friend Sameer Oh?
Tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up.
Wait a second. How'd you know I was at the mall?
I track Parisa's phone with GPS. Don't you judge me.
Closing time already.
Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall.
Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit.
And 15 for you.
Okay.
Now this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine.
They change every day, so make sure
that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday.
Veck, six guys in standard formation, just like you said.
Perfect.
Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!
And these little piggies went all the way home.
Do it.
Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the Mission.
Hey, everyone. A couple requests.
Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut,
give up your cell phones, and as a general rule, do as I say.
You do all these things... Well, you'll be back at home in no time.
Back to your mediocre lives.
I was hoping that you and I could have a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on.
You know, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course.
What do you say?
Go to hell.
Ouch.
Hey, Stewie, you don't mind that I'm hitting on your girlfriend, do you?
What? No. She's not my girlfriend.
But I specifically heard you say that you two were "basically together."
No. I didn't say that we were together. I said that she's into leather.
Have at it. If you...
God, you're an idiot.
Hello?
This is Sergeant Howard of the West Orange Police Department.
Yeah, well, so here's the deal.
As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by all the doors,
so if you wanna enter my mall,
you might as well bring at least six body bags.
He's drilling the safe, and they have eyes on us.
See if we can tap into the security cameras.
Now look, no one's gonna try and enter the mall.
Is there anything you need? Do you need any food? Do you need any water?
Oh, man. This dude doesn't deviate from the book at all.
You know, since you're asking, I would love a Happy Meal,
you know, but... Make sure the toy is the sea monster,
'cause I already have the dragon.
Okay, okay, now what is it you really want?
Silence.
Hey, I'm sorry, mall's closed,
but I can help you find the nearest exit if you just tell me where you parked.
Sweet mercy.
This is not happening, this is not happening, this is...
Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think.
Now what are you trained to do?
Nothing.
Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it.
Yo, we got a straggler.
I don't know. Give up, I guess.
Guys, what is wrong with you? We stick to the plan.
We got a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named Paul Barth.
He says he's a security officer in the mall.
Hey. Blart? He's one of my guys.
Paul, this is Sergeant Howard of West Orange Police Department.
The mall has been taken over, and they have hostages.
I need you to exit the building immediately.
We don't need any wild cards in this situation.
Copy that. Never been a wild card.
Unless you consider the game of Uno wild.
Okay, okay. Come on, don't die. Don't die.
Blart.
Don't pee. Don't pee.
Guys, motion detector just went off at Door 26. Everybody on it.
Amy.
What the hell is he doing? Come on!
Blart, come on!
Is he crying?
Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please?
Blart, this is Brooks. What's going on?
Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it.
What oath? We don't have an oath.
I sort of made up my own. It's on a plaque in my room.
Listen, I think you're making a big mistake.
SWAT's on the way.
And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you're untrained, you're unarmed,
and let's face it, son, you present a huge target.
With all due respect, sir, I can't observe and report from the outside.
Over.
Well, Sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside.
Amy, Paul Blart here. Are you still in the mall?
Send.
Got him.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! Think!
Hold it together.
Heart of a warrior.
I missed lunch.
Thank you.
This isn't happening, this is not happening.
Hey! Don't make this hard.
You like that?
Brooks, I took out a girl, but the guy, he ran away.
But let the record show, I did not hit a woman. I just...
I put all my weight on her.
Oh, Paul.
No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine.
Well, good, let's get you out of there.
No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started.
What the heck is this?
Give me that.
Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again.
Since you refuse to come out, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank
and find out where they're holding the hostages.
With honor, sir.
Good to know.
Hey, I haven't heard back from Donner or Vixen.
Okay. I'm calling an audible here, everyone.
And I need to get this mall locked down from the inside immediately.
Why don't we just start wasting hostages? That'll stop them.
Well, that's one way to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside.
I'm Commander Kent. My team is deploying. I need this location secured.
and get all these people out of here.
Whoa, whoa, this is all done already.
My men are gonna do it again, the right way.
Have your guys fall back, now. Have there been any demands?
I got snipers at the ready, communications in check.
Let's tap into security now, and let's get some visuals.
You can't. They knocked out the video cameras.
I'll be ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one. I'm in charge.
Brooks, I'm observing the bank now.
They got one assailant guarding the hostages.
There she is.
My, God. You are my angel pie.
Here come the love sweats.
Paul, your radio's still on.
Roger that.
Don't tell me one of your beat cops is trying to be a hero.
No, he's neither. His name is Blart. He's one of my security guards.
Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser in high school. Give me that.
Blart.
This is Commander James Kent. New Jersey SWAT.
We went to high school together. Remember?
I set you on fire at the pancake festival?
Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.
Go Green Hawks.
Yeah, listen. I've got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out here.
At my command, we are retaking this location,
and there's no way I'm compromising this mission so that some mall monitor
who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up.
Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed. All I heard was "lunch" and "friend."
Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back on?
Listen to me, Blart,
you are no longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is that clear?
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing?
Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area.
I'm gonna get a closer look.
Veck.
There he is!
Let's get in the back, huh?
Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn't get them out.
But I know who the leader is. It's Veck.
Veck? The trainee?
I'll pass it on to Howard.
Oh, God.
Trapped is fine by me.
Commence tanning. Three, two, one.
Yeah!
Yes!
Time for some big-game hunting.
Open, open, open! Thank God.
Oh, no.
Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it!
Get him! Get him! Get him!
You better run.
Amy, huh? What a coincidence.
We got a cute little redhead down at the bank named Amy.
Well, I guess I know who I'm killing first.
Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall.
It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing.
You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this.
Nobody wins with a head butt.
What are you talking about? Every kid has a cell phone.
I prefer handwritten sentiments.
Who are these sloppy joes for? And who gave you this?
They're mine. I'm late for my shift at Foot Locker.
We're getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you.
Silence, my ass.
What's the matter? Throw a few jabs your way,
you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb?
If you don't go toe-to-toe with that scumbag,
he's gonna roll over on you all night long.
It's all right. That's not my style.
Well, just in case, I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks, like...
Here.
This is what you been doing?
"Yeah, you and what army?"
Everyone deserves a card on their birthday.
So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up back at the crib
about how easy all this was gonna be, were you guys like,
"Man, any brain-dead mall cop that gets in the way is gonna get smoked"?
And then... And then what? You guys all high-fived?
But sadly, no codes!
And I'd say, considering all the luxury items that I have stacked up
in my Amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable!
No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking.
Give me a gun.
Put it down. Put it down.
What are you nodding about?
I was just wondering, were you serious about that Happy Meal?
It isn't coming, is it?
What?
This is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT.
You wanted to speak to me?
I just wanna make sure that no one does anything stupid.
You should know my men are deployed and ready to bring this thing to a resolution.
The easy way or the hard way.
That is such a tough call, but...
Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above!
I'm Amy, by the way.
I'm Maya. My father talked forever about you.
And I gotta say, he really does like you.
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, that's not so bad.
Oh, my God.
They've got his daughter.
Don't worry about me, okay? I'm worried about you.
I love you. All right, now, I'm gonna get you all out.
You just hang in there, okay, sweetie?
I will. I'm a Blart, remember?
Yeah. I'll see you soon.
I'm supposed to be on my way to the Cayman Islands with the hostages.
And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back by now.
"If Veck gets the codes, he's taking us to Cayman Islands"?
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.
Come and get me, Veck.
I got your codes for the credit-card machines.
That's who's been screwing all this up? You have got to be kidding me.
Give me a radio.
Let me tell you something.
You take hostages in my mall, you are making a big mistake.
You seriously undermissed...
And you seriously...
Oh, no!
Blart?
Sugar. Sugar.
Blart? You there, Blart?
Hello, Blart. You there?
Hey, Blart!
I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're gonna give up.
How about now?
I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver.
Yeah, you heard me. Never!
All right, Dad.
Hey, fellas! You looking for me?
Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.
Follow me.
There he is.
We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe.
Great. Wait for me. You know, my mom always said,
"If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself."
I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.
Prancer, take the back.
Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can I have my codes now, please?
Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands?
Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.
No.
One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass.
Comet! Don't come back till he's dead!
Brooks. Only one more left. Then it's just me and Veck.
Okay, who's talking to Blart?
Was it you, sugar mouth?
All right. Let's try this again.
Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!
It's her phone, it's hers. She's talking to him.
She's talking to him, and I told her not to. And it's under her leg.
The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That's good.
Okay.
That was close.
He is a pro.
Listen, Blart, time's up. We're busting in.
Wait! Look, Veck's after the credit-card codes, and I got them.
Just give me a few minutes.
No problem.
Isn't that cute?
Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on to your profile
on lonelyloser.com.
"Likes morning rain, walks on the beach."
Who are you, Olivia Newton-John?
I was just speaking from the heart.
Yeah, well, I didn't have to go online, Paul, to know that you love peanut brittle.
You're so pathetic.
Trippy.
This I can use.
What do you want, Veck?
I just want the $30 million that I came here for.
But, you know, I would settle offing your dream girl, or maybe your daughter.
You touch them, I swear I'll end you.
What're you gonna do, Paul?
You gonna pull up with your left hip forward giving the illusion that you have a gun,
which you and I both know you don't?
The next time I see you, Paul, I'm gonna put a bullet in your head.
I don't think so. I'm taking you down.
Blart!
Oh, Blart.
Sweet mercy.
I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.
Bravo. That was awesome.
And you were just so close to making it, too, Paul. Just so close.
Now the only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages,
you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me.
You think I'm gonna carry the phone with me that actually contains the...
What's up, man? So good to hear your voice.
Yeah, it's good to hear your voice, too, Pahud.
Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Okay, Paul, call me back! Call me back, Paul!
I mean, this just keeps getting better and better.
I mean, you are impossible to underestimate.
I mean, you can't pass the trooper exam,
you black out if you don't have a Snickers bar like every 20 minutes,
you had the chance to be the MVP, and you blew it.
Again, like you always do. Ain't that right, Maya?
What do you want me to say, Veck? You're smarter than me.
You're good on computers, you kept your weight under control.
I mean, people, they look at me and you, and...
Yeah, it's a landslide.
It's no contest.
Sorry.
Right now, you're the man with the gun.
So here you go.
Come on!
Go get him!
Go, Dad.
What...
Probably should have capitalized on that.
Dad!
Lock and load, boys. We're going in.
Hey, we're on the move.
Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Paul. Think, Paul. Think!
Let's go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects.
Get down!
Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
Down. The other one. That's the back one.
No, no. That's the same one. No! The other one!
Veck got away with my daughter and Amy.
Entry team, clear the mall. We'll pursue.
Light.
Open the door.
Let's do this.
Jimmy, give me your cell phone.
Gotta hand it to you, Blart. You're really taking care of business.
What up?
Pahud, do you still have GPS on Parisa's cell phone?
You know I do, Paul. You know I do. What can I do for you?
I need to know where it's headed.
Paul, it looks like they're on their way to McGuire Airfield.
I know where that is. Thanks.
Hang on.
My God. There they are. Jimmy, take the wheel.
What?
Here we go! Here we go!
That was me. I can't...
Here I go! No!
Blart!
Don't do it! Blart!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Maya! Maya, get inside.
Paul?
I really don't drink.
Come on. Oh, yeah?
Dad!
Man, that hypoglycemia is a killer.
I told you I'd take you down.
Blart!
Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a gun.
I hope you don't mind if I use one.
What?
I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands then, huh?
Soon as I get my money.
Yeah, well, you'll be needing this.
Just give it to him, Dad.
Oh, I will. Suck on that!
Okay. Situation update?
We have seven assailants in custody, sir.
You see, jackass? I don't need the phone.
'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arm.
Now, I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses.
And since everybody thinks this was a bank...
I got a newsflash for you. Your flight's been canceled.
That's better than anything I got.
You did good, Dad.
Yeah, I am pretty great.
You know, she doesn't need a green card.
I don't know what to say.
I have something I want to say to you.
Happy birthday, Amy.
I heard you applied to be a state trooper.
You say the word, my department would be proud to have you.
Thank you, sir. But I think I'm gonna stick with what I do best.
It's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
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