Dating dealbreakers

IT'S TIME TO STOP

2010.08.30 08:08 taylornator7 IT'S TIME TO STOP

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2008.01.25 04:52 Ask Reddit...

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2014.11.04 00:18 Dating Over 30: Because dating is hard, no matter how old you are.

Dating Over Thirty is a sub for discussion and advice on dating and relationships for people over the age of 30. **This is not a place to post personals or "looking for" or hookups.**
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2020.10.26 15:55 Worldpeaceman401 (Serious) What is a 100% dealbreaker for you in a dating relationship?

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2020.10.26 14:11 ughtheinternet A guy fudged (lied about?) his height on his profile

Apparently, I'm terrible at judging people's height because I've been seeing a guy for about 3 months and just realized how large the discrepancy was between his actual height and what he had in his online profile.
For context, we're exclusive, using the bf/gf label, and I recently met his parents. He's been very enthusiastic about me during the time we've been dating.
When I first met him, I knew he'd be shorter than me (because the height he put on his profile was shorter than I am). So I wasn't surprised. But as we got to spend more time with each other, I started thinking he seemed shorter than me than his profile had indicated. I (good-naturedly) teased him about it a bit, figuring he had rounded up or was just measured half an inch taller than he actually was or something. This weekend, we measured him for fun, and I saw that he was actually 1.5" shorter than his profile had said. To me, that seems just a little on the wrong side of the line between "genuine mistake" and "purposeful dishonesty." For what it's worth, this 1.5" would probably bump him up from the "short" category to the "average" category.
I know that it could theoretically still be an honest mistake, but when I brought it up, I felt like he was... shifty, I guess? I was calm and not particularly accusatory when we talked about it, but it was probably pretty clear I was concerned. I asked him several times how tall he thought he was when he wrote his profile, and he never actually answered the question. He said things like, "Well, the last time I was at the doctor they didn't measure me" and "This is what my driver's license says, but I knew that I wasn't that tall." I felt frustrated and like he wasn't really engaging with me on the issue, which was kind of a bit deal to me.
He ended kind of saying that he had no idea how tall he was and had just kind of guessed... which... why would you put something in your profile if you're guessing?! Also, who doesn't know how tall they are?! He also kind of tried to make the whole conversation about his height instead of about the potential dishonesty. He asked me if I still liked him even though he was short when it's not about that at all. He's no shorter now than he was last week, and I liked him just fine last week. I ended up kind of dropping it for the rest of the day because the conversation wasn't going anywhere, and I wanted to reflect on it before getting pushy.
I'm kind of sensitive to dishonesty. In the past, I've made excuses for a man not being entirely forthright in an attempt to make himself seem more desirable as a partner, and it led me into a really bad relationship which someone who was fundamentally dishonest.
So what's my next move here? Should this be a dealbreaker? Should I drop it? Bring it up again and kind of demand that he engage with me in a meaningful way?
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2020.10.26 10:21 memefarmer_aleks Historical Accuracy

Not sure what the plans are on this topic, but I would love to see some historical accuracy on the level of say Verdun. In Verdun you can evolve your squad's uniform by year of the war, but this would work different than that but similar in the accuracy of the uniforms themselves. Right now (I know it's in early access, but using examples) the uniforms of the French have anachronistic apparel pieces such as the red caps on the horizon blue uniforms. Also the coats don't have the proper...skirt? Not sure the name of it, basically the ducktail part of the coat, they're more like tunics you'd see on the other armies' uniforms. Things like that and the german gas masks on all the factions currently I'm sure will be phased out when the proper assets are added. But I'm curious, will there be set dates to certain maps? Like the Zonnebeke map is obviously in the middle of the war with all of the destruction. So like 1916 or later. I would say 1917 because the Battle of Passchendaele took place in and around Zonnebeke. Frise appears to be a 1914 battle setting, everything is still mostly standing and the western front stalemate hasn't set in yet. I would love to see the uniforms and equipment (at least the uniforms) tied to the years. The French went in with dark blue and bright red uniforms with caps and Lebel rifles, and ended up with light blue uniforms with Adrian helmets and RSC 1917s (not in standard issue but they became available in 1918). The Germans went in with dark green uniforms w/ red accents + metal buttons and the spiked pickelhaubes, and ended up with the stahlhelm and grey uniforms. The British didn't have the Lewis gun and Brodie helmets until 1916. Stuff like that. Also if vehicles will be added, this would obviously also be tied to the dates of the maps. This takes alot of reference work and research I know, but it really adds to the immersion. Not a dealbreaker but I care about this kind of stuff and I'm sure plenty of other people do. Not many WW1 games are out there and I'd prefer them to be true to the setting as opposed to something like BFV. BF1 did it fun and accurate enough but BFV was a joke lol. This game is looking very promising though. Just needs that extra historical love
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2020.10.26 04:49 hackerpal Favourite asexual character in fiction?

What is your favorite portrayal of asexuality in fiction? It's so rare but so rewarding when I come across a good ace character (emphasis on "good").
I'll go first: Parvati from The Outer Worlds videogame. She's so sweet and her character talked about apprehension asking her (female!) crush out bc she was afraid her disinterest in sex will be a dealbreaker (as it had in past relationships). I recommend watching her character story on YouTube if you don't want to play the actual game!
Honerable mention: I also liked Todd's character on Bojack Horseman. Not super connected to him but I found it so funny that all the aces he dated are animals known for having a lot of sex (rabbits, axolotls, humans lol).
Who is your fav asexual or asexual-adjacent character in fiction? What about their characteportrayal of asexuality do you like/resonate with?
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2020.10.26 04:05 AutoModerator Mate-Free Monday

Due to popular demand, every Monday from 12am ET and (-5 GMT) until 12am on Tuesday, submissions related to dating, relationships, or attraction will be removed.;
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2020.10.26 03:36 ThrowRAheartwrenched I think my gf wants to break up with me and she's just drawing it out?

My gf (21) and I (22f) have been together almost 3 months and I really love her. We've said "I love you" to each other and she's regularly expressed that she feels really happy and secure with me. About a week ago she said there was something she wanted to talk to me about, and even though our relationship had been going really well, I'm really insecure and always second guessing everything so I instantly assumed she was going to break up with me. I asked her flat out and she said no, she wants to work things out. But I didn't even know we had problems, so I was confused about what "things" we needed to work out. She basically talked about how she's already emotionally closed off, and with me she doesn't feel that she can open up. We talked for a long time about it and agreed that I would try to listen more and she'd try to be more honest about what she's feeling. Things felt back to "normal" after that.
Last night, though, we had our first real fight. It was over something small and meaningless, but as a result she revealed a lot of other things that she'd been building up frustration about. She yelled at me for a while and I apologized and promised I'll work on those things. I asked her if these are dealbreakers, and if she things it's worth ending things over. She said no and said that she wants to be with me and that I need to stop questioning whether she's going to break up with me. I explained that I'm deeply insecure so I can't help it, but that I'll stop asking her. Ultimately we kinda resolved the fight and I took responsibility for the things she was upset about, but when I left she was still angry and didn't say "I love you" or kiss me goodnight or anything.
This morning I texted her to ask if she was ok and she took hours to reply despite being online on all social media (the first time she's done this). When she did reply it was cold and short (we normally text often and very lovingly). We had a date planned for today so I asked if we were still on for that. She said that she has too much work and we'll have to postpone, but that we could still have a study date. A couple hours ago I asked when she wanted to study together, and after taking ages to reply, she said that she needed to rain check because she's not feeling up to it. I said I could give her space, but she said "That's not it, I don't need space, I just don't want to hang out if I'm in a daze." I asked if I could call and she said she's too swamped with work. We have previously hung out many times while one of us isn't feeling great, and this is the first time she hasn't wanted to and the first time she's rain checked. I just said that it's ok, and she can let me know when next she wants to hang out. She replied "OK" and that was it.
I know that last night she said that I need to stop questioning whether she wants to be with me, but here I am. It feels as if she's putting more and more distance between us, despite insisting otherwise, and I don't know what to do. I definitely am not going to break up with her, I love her and I want to make this work, but I feel like she wants to end things with me or that I'm overwhelming her and she wants a break. What are others' thoughts? Any advice?
TL;DR - My girlfriend and I had a fight and even though I thought we resolved it, she hasn't wanted to hang out or talk with me since then. She insists she doesn't want to break up with me, but I don't know what else to make of this.
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2020.10.26 02:15 ahmadbsaeed How to deal with "racism" or similiar occurences when dating?

Disclaimer: I don't particularly like the use of "racism" in this situation coz I think it's such a strong word and when discussing racism, this seems trivial but I couldn't think of a different word. Maybe biased or judgemental people would be a better fit
Just a little bit of backstory to try to make this more sense. I'm a 20 year old Pakistani born male but I haven't spent much time in Pakistan. Most of my childhood was spent in Australia and now I live in Germany. My parents are relatively conservative and so my upbringing was such as well, with a very Islamic religion. I however deviated from that and don't believe in that at all now. The only person in my family that knows about this is my sister who has always been an amazing role model for me and taught me many things that didn't particularly gel with our culture or religion but I don't want to talk to her about this coz she's stressed with her own stuff, so that's why I'm asking here.
When I was younger I didn't really deal with girls in general, partially coz of my social awkwardness and I didn't want to have the hassle of hiding this stuff from my parents. My other encounters with racism, I've dealt with well I'd say. Generally I'm in control of the situation like if someone is being discriminitory towards me I just assume they're an idiot and move on but I felt so out of control in this situation coz I don't think I could do anything about this.
Anyways, on to the actual situation: Lately I started hanging with this girl (let's call her Kate). I really liked Kate coz I felt like I could be me around her and I just liked spending time with her. That simple. We hooked up a few times and the conversation of a relationship came up. Although I feel like I'm not exactly prepared for one, I thought that if it's going to be any one, it's her coz I do really like her. She, however mentioned, that she couldn't bring me home coz her parents, themselves are apparently pretty conservative (which was a euphemism for racist - her words). At the time I didn't think much of it as I thought it was just a joke or just a thought, but after a while it became apparent to me, that it wasn't. There were other reasons why a relationship might not be the best idea, but none were dealbreakers and I think we could work on those but that was the main reason why a relationship was out of question.
And this really put me down. I didn't know what to do coz none of my actions lead to this situation other than being born in a different continent and it's not like I consider myself Pakistani anways. I've spent most of my life here and if anyone asks, I say I'm German coz that's what I am. And I thought to myself, that out of all the places where I would have to deal with racism, dating wouldn't be one of them or that racist parents/social circles would ever factor in to it. I honestly thought a bigger dealbreaker would be that I like spicy food or something else that I had control over and tbh I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't even know if this is the right place for this topic but I didn't know where else to turn to coz none of my friends can actually understand this I think, coz if she was the one that was acting like this, I would have moved on but I just feel like I had no control over this situation and I just want to know if anyone had any similar experience, how they dealt with it and how I could deal with this
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2020.10.26 01:49 DW1H [Suggestion] Home office PC with a good CPU. Amazon only.

This is the config I would like for the machine. It's for general home office use, working on documents, using the internet. It should also have some power for sometimes doing things like video en/transcoding, using CAD drawings (no heavy CAD work, mostly looking at them), and processing large data sets of geological data to generate graphs and reports. It would also need 4TB of storage. I've created an 'OK to get separate' section for components that I might not expect to see in a prebuilt on Amazon or could get at a later time. I am also open to suggestions on if this is the best config for the above usage, or if anything should be changed.
This is the config I am looking at:
CPU: Intel i5 or i7, or whatever AMD is equivalent to this.
RAM: 16GB. Preferably able to upgrade to 32GB at some point in the future.
Drive 1 (OS): 256GB or 512GB NVME
Drive 2 (Storage): see 'OK to get separate' section. Machine should have room and connectors for a 3.5 inch drive
USB type-C port: One minimum
Back USB Ports: Six ports, at least 4 USB3
Front USB Ports: At least 2 USB3
Video output: At least 2 to be able to add a 2nd monitor
Optical Drive: Yes
Audio: Should be able to digital out to a sound bar
Case Size: Smallest possible that has an optical drive and room to add a 3.5 inch 4TB drive
OK to get separate:
Keyboard and mouse: KB with multimedia keys, mouse with thumb fwd/back buttons
Drive 2 (Storage): 4TB Hard Drive
24 inch 1080p monitor with low blue light mode (ok to get this at a later date)
Sound bar
Would there be any benefit for a home office user to get a 144Hz monitor, is it easier on the eyes for office work as well while scrolling and reading? The optical drive is not a dealbreaker, I'm just basing that on seeing them in ones that aren't outright minis so far. It would be more convenient (the user has a lot of archived data on optical discs to go through), but if they have to use a USB optical drive if a machine matches the rest, that could work still.
Budge wise, is $600 before adding the components listed under 'separate' reasonable?
Thanks.
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2020.10.26 00:58 ThorToes Would you reject someone for their living conditions or eating lifestyle?

I guess a question for the ladies of reddit but anyone can answer. Would you reject or think less of someone if their living arrangements or eating habits are not ideal?
I'm a 29m and I still live with my parents because I cannot afford anywhere to live. I'm trying my best to make enough so I can yet my own place but covid has shut that down for the time being (my job still hasn't opened back up). I went on a date with a girl recently to a restaurant then spent the night at her place watching some movies. However, she pokes fun at the fact that I live with my parents or that what I tend to eat is what teenagers eat alot. I think she's just joking around (or I really want to think that) but I dont want that to be a dealbreaker because I like her very much. Would something like that be a dealbreaker?
I just hope I'm just looking too deep into it
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2020.10.26 00:55 link_the_fire 25 [M4F] Texas/Online- Shy boi looking for cute gorl

Hi all, I’m a skinny nerd and I’m looking for someone to talk to daily and connect with as I haven’t had someone like that in a long time and dating apps have given me no luck lol I love video games and horror movies, and work in retail. I can be a bit of a flirt and I’m open minded lol side note I do have depression and anxiety which are dealbreakers for some so I figured I’d mention it here! I have brown hair and eyes and would be happy to verify if we move to another messaging app! I don’t wanna put too much here so we can have more stuff to talk about and share. I appreciate you reading this far! Hope to hear from someone :)
Addendum: I’m not too picky about age but please be at least 19 or 20 or older!
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2020.10.26 00:13 AbjectHalf 25 [M4F] Midwest - Looking for my other half

https://imgur.com/a/umo0xGf
There’s a selfie of me recently so you can put a face to this post. I recently cut my hair pretty short so I might have to get some tattoos pretty soon too lol.
Soo I live in Wisconsin (about an hour from Chicago) and I’m 25 soon to be 26 engineer who is looking to meet someone and build a serious relationship with. I’m 5’11”, 185lbs and I enjoy a wide range of hobbies. Fitness, movies/tv, outdoors and cooking are on my list. I’m reading Elon Musk’s biography right now and have read/seen The Martian so space holds an interest for me too! My friends would describe me as kind, patient, and hard working! So I hope those interests and values would rank higher up on your list too.
I’m not too worried about distance, but closer would be easier for me. If distance is a part of the equation then a few video chat dates first would be likely. I have plenty of vacation left for the year so I have potential time off if needed :).
A few goals for my future for ya! So I want to start a family in a few years (2-6). I already save more than half the money I make and invest it all in the market so I do hope to have the option to provide for my family, retire or change jobs if I want in the future. And being healthy is pretty high on my list as well!
I’m from Ohio and plan on moving back there in a few years to be close to my family. I could go on and on about how great an area it is but if that’s a dealbreaker for ya then it would be for me too.
Feel free to ask me anything and I hope to hear from you!
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2020.10.25 17:45 vermillionskein Why do men leave the “want/don’t want children” section blank?

They’ll mention their favorite TV show and sushi restaurant etc., but then leave off what I consider to be a far more important detail. Why?
I want kids so I tend to de-prioritize men who don’t specify, since it suggests to me they aren’t sure or haven’t thought about it. I usually clarify in person on the second date, but then I wonder if they’re just telling me what I want to hear.
Some apps give you the options of 1. Want 2. Don’t want 3. Open to having kids. So it couldn’t be easier to just pick one of these options.
ETA: Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses! I decided to turn off my filter (“dealbreaker” on Bumble) because it sounds like many men (and women) have a range of possible thought processes regarding the topic and in reality are open to having kids. I still put it on my own profile so I think that is enough of a filter at the swiping stage.
ETA, II: I am reminded of why I put in the filter in the first place. I removed the “wants kids” dealbreaker filter and my “liked” queue has ballooned from ~20 to I literally had to stop scrolling (I pay to see likes on Bumble). For guys who know that you want kids, I suggest you not be coy about it and put it on your profile! As a matter of strategy it makes you much easier to spot.
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2020.10.25 17:05 024-BBBfet Page of Resources


Question Response
Considering visiting an escort to lose my virginity EDIT: Going to add an edit after reading around 150 comments. The physical act is one thing, and yes I'm still after that, but the end goal is that acceptance and validation you get. Yes, i know it's fake, but could a few fake points be worth more than being at zero? As i suspected majority of those here at the very least achieved some form of real intimacy at an age where people won't openly laugh at you for inexperience, yes it has happened to me. So while some of these comments do come off as ignorant, i do still believe they come from a place of well meaning. You have no idea as to how envious I am of a lot of you. So i'm 26 years old, never held hands, first kiss or any form of intimacy. I'm thinking of going down this route now. I recently graduated university but went to school for engineering so you can imagine the ratio of men to women and the lack of time to focus on things other than school. Online dating and apps have been a wash for me. I would say that my problems stem from a few areas, mainly aspergers, an unattractive face (as I've been told by some people), and my 5'2 height. Years of being bullied at school and at home by both guys and girls have also taken its toll and left me with debilitating anxiety. I'm not saying it's impossible for me to find someone, but please, let's be realistic. The odds of an actual relationship ever happening for me? One of the reasons I'm thinking of doing this now is because i remember being 19 and being told "don't worry your still young", "it will happen when it happens" "girls won't mind at your age" (don't think that's largely applicable anymore at my age). Here I am now at 26. I understand that for most people reading this, the prospect of being in my position disappeared in the teenage years or early 20s, so i get it if most don't understand my position.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- level 1xanif I lost my virginity at 33. Nothing wrong with being a late life virgin. --------- level 2FunkyKat2525 Lost mine at 30. I was happy that I waited that long. It’s not a competition.------------ level 3god666first I wish I would have waited longer honestly. Wait for the right person that you love it is so much more special.------------ level 4stuffedpizzaman95 Wish I lost mine earlier, after I lost mine my confidence rose and I finally didn’t feel inadequate all the time ------------ level 5ZenDarKritic55 That could've been solved without losing it but I guess you do you? Though I wouldn't encourage the promotion of this idea ----------- level 2soulsqual Wish somebody told me this when I was younger----====================================== ChosenSCIM I'm a 29 year old virgin and I don't understand why losing your virginity is a thing that needs to be done by a certain age for some people. It's not like anything about you is going to be technically different afterwards. OP, why do you feel that your virginity is something you have to lose?------------- Level 2 why losing your virginity is a thing that needs to be done by a certain age for some people. Peer pressure. There is mob mentality in every group of people. Back in the day people would pressure others stay virgin until marriage; now people(mostly young people) pressure others to have sex and glorify it.------------- Level 3stuffedpizzaman95 some people just really feel bad and depressed if they don’t have sex. I don’t even talk about sex with others but having a constant desire to have sex and spending a good part of the day unable to stop thinking about sex yet never having it can really make you feel like you are missing out on something you know would be enjoyable . Even if no one else in the world was having sex I’d still be frustrated full of intense desire all the time---------- Level 4warfenix122 This comment really speaks to me, I'm a 23 year old and i think of it constantly and i really have the want to do it, thus I think I'm missing out by not having it. Then i have my friends telling me how great it is, wich makes me want it more but i can't have it so i just remain silent and don't talk about it-------------- Level 2TheVampireCreator I feel it's a pity. Love and lust used to be a pair, now (with most people) they're completely seperate.---------------- Level 2pfluffets Maybe it's just a hurdle for OP, and getting it done and out of the way may even help reduce stress - related to worrying about losing their v-plates. It may even help boost their self esteem. I know if it's an escort they're being paid to do it, but I think it's at least good to have someone who knows what to do and isn't going to be awkward about it because they know they're there to have sex. Also, having sex that first time for OP can at least show them first-hand what to expect and may be good in the long run when they finally find that right person, so they won't feel as anxious about it.-------------- Level 2sophiehatter2 Yeah the only thing I have to say is to really think about why you want to have sex, and if you think a sex worker would fulfill that. If you want to just see what sex can be like, then this avenue would work. If you are feeling poorly about yourself and think this would help, you might want to rethink it------------- Level 2CircleWeasle Because the longer you wait the higher the risk of the very real chance you will never have sex. I waited because I thought virginity wasn't a big deal and now I'm almost 40 and still a virgin. At this rate I'll die before experiencing it. There's been at least one population study showing that the incidence of sexual dysfunction increases with the age of a persons first sexual act. Being a "late bloomer" could have real consequences on your ability to have sex as you age.----------- Level 2ts_justme Because the longer (some) take to actually become sexually active, they have built the idea of sex up to some impossible thing in their mind of which neither they nor their partner can possibly measure up to. It’s normal to feel like you’re “behind” or “missing out”, but this is just something that comes with age and maturity. Everyone’s on s different time scale and comparing to others doesn’t do a lot. OP describes being an engineer and a college graduate, that’s something not everyone has done. Sex is a natural byproduct of attraction and desire, it’ll happen eventually, if they let it. Even if we take to the most extreme: if you died a virgin, so what? Unless you wanted children it makes no difference upon your potential success in life. Are you really that afraid of someone Nelson Muntzing you like “ha-ha, virgin”?-------------- Level 1Pilot_Violet Why do you feel you need to do this? Do you crave intimacy? Or do you feel you need to get it over with because you're getting older? What will this change for you?--------------- Level 2bluejody1 Obviously not OP, but my guess is acceptance. He’s craving acceptance because to him it will validate that he’s worthy of love and warmth just like everyone else------ level 3Ok_Worldliness_609 You got it perfectly. The physical act is one thing, that i am still after. The external validation and acceptance though is the goal. Even though it will be fake.------------ Level 4NamiRabbit Aren't you concerned knowing it's fake might have the opposite emotional effect than what you expect? Like, if it's just about sexual gratification, then this is a solution, but don't you think you might think to yourself that this actually reaffirms the idea of a lack of validation because it might lead you to feel like you cannot earn or deserve the love of validation of others unless you hafto pay someone for it? I have nothing against escorts, they are people too, and if you choose this, everyone takes different paths. But I would be very careful about knowing that this won't do further emotional damage to you or your self worth, and really make sure you are ok with it, and if you do you should be safe. Use protection etc. Just really be sure it's the right thing for you because obviously it's one of those things you can never undo.------------ level 5Silly_Steve This is a good point. You need to walk in there and out of there with the right mindset otherwise you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Many people get semi-attached to the person they lost their virginity too when it was only ever intended to be casual.----------- level 4youstupidcunt4321234 If it makes you feel more at ease about just having the darn V plates punched, then I reckon you should just go for it. If you think you're too nervous for PIV then maybe just get a bj. Of course, the other option is to just lie and say you're not a virgin but only been with a couple of partners. Getting a nut will also probably give you the thought "Oh that's pretty cool, but I don't know why I put it up on such a high pedestal-- level 5Silly_SteveI had a guy lie to me about not being a virgin, he was so secretive about his experience. Once we started doing stuff it was painfully obvious I had been his first.------- level 1chadan1008-- I’m in a similar position, and I don’t recommend it, it’s incredibly shallow, depressing, utterly disappointing, and worst of all, addicting. I unfortunately speak from plenty of experience. Also, once you do it, it becomes easier for you to do it more. Therapy is cheaper and better for you physically and mentally.----------------- level 2HorrorNet9710 This- as not so fun as it sounds. Fun maybe at first? (Sometimes, if you're lucky). Not how you want to remember your first time or base your future experiences. It can be a terrible, depressing, expensive road and you deserve much better. Don't make the mistakes some of us have! You'll get there man. --------- level 3stuffedpizzaman95 I had unfulfilling sex with someone I felt unattractive to lose my virginity and my only regret was not doing it earlier.-------------- Level 2rockrnger Plus you are going to have to tell people you date. Its a dealbreaker or a least a turn off for a lot of people.------------- level 4MotherOfDoggo Many men would not date women who previously participated in sex work. Just like many women would not date a man who paid for sex. It's a major turn off for me and something I would like to know-- depends on person to person, and definitely something I would not appreciate that my partner hid from me.--------- level 1janejupiter As a sex worker, I say go for it! I have taken a lot of virginities and it's always an honor to me that someone picked me to be their first. Three pieces of advice: .....1. Plan on possibly needing two dates to fully accomplish your goal. You might be too nervous to be able to relax the first time you meet her. And that's ok! Maybe you won't need two appointments after all, but knowing that is an option will help you relax the first time. .....2. Hire someone reputable who has lots of photos and possibly social media as well. Sites like Slixa and Tryst.link are generally reputable. Don't just pick someone who offers lower rates because they offer lower rates. They should screen you, getting your full name and your phone number. If they don't care about that, it's a red flag. .....3. Get a feel for her via her ads/website and pick someone who seems caring and patient. Have fun!

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2020.10.25 16:17 shaboogie135 Funny OLD rejection before meeting

I (36F) matched with a guy (39M) on Tinder who I talked to for a week. Because I'm an essential frontline worker and its been busy, I replied/chatted mostly in the evenings or when I had free time but he would message me first thing and before bed. He wasn't super interesting but I figured maybe just awkward. He asked what I look for, I told him I like funny men, and he kept telling me how funny he is (without actually being funny..), stupid things like that but I chalked it up to bad texting. We talked about meeting up this weekend and agreed on a day and coffee but no other details.
And hour later after agreeing, he sent me a huge paragraph that said:
"I just want to say its been nice talking to you but i'm just not feeling it. Maybe i'm just not ready to date. I want to focus on work right now. You seem like a really nice person and I wish you the best. I had hoped you would have asked me more about myself to show interest. I hope you have a great weekend and find someone that makes you happy. I just don't feel a spark between us. I hope the next guy you meet is everything you ever wanted."
Lmao. Whut? I haven't even met him in person and talked to him maybe 5 hours over a week and get this big break up speech. And I did ask him basic questions about himself as I screen for dealbreakers and common interests but I don't fire off 20 questions. Man, I hate OLD!
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2020.10.25 05:29 nippynibs Me (23F) broke up with my ex (28M) because of life goal differences. Now he's asking me back, and suddenly I have choices.

I've always been that geeky girl who probably might not get any life partner in a lifetime. But all that changes during university, when someone caught my eye and he felt the same way as I did. It was a great relationship, we grew together and learned a lot since it was our first s. However good thing do come to an end.
Me and my ex broke up because I told him I am still not sure where am I settling down since I might pursue overseas study. We had a 5 years long relationship. He is unsure that I'm staying in this country. On top of all the small (but manageable) differences between us and pet peeves, he decided that I deserve someone better and broke up.
It was painful for me, but we still keep in touch. I love him so much, even until today although it's been almost a year. We weren't close with anyone else so we support each other when needed--even if it means giving advice when he's trying to go on for another girl--also goes for me! I do still care for him. But I know I gotta move on. Sometimes I just feel like my love is expandable and my love for him wouldn't go away. I felt he is like my best friend now.
So for the past three months I've been trying to date another guy--very charming--and I did tell my ex about it. There are still a lot of things yet to be known from this new guy, so I hadn't make much move yet. We've yet to discuss about relationship dealbreakers and goals.
And suddenly a month ago my ex asked me if I want to get back with him again. He has given much thoughts over the past year and felt he can wait for me and manage the differences between us. I'm bamboozled. I have told him that we broke up due to all the dealbreakers that we mentioned previously (him being very messy, etc) and he said he's willing to work it out. I thought it would be just false sweet words but I did see him trying to put an effort on it.
Now I have choices. Never in my life I ever had one when it comes to relationship.
I don't want to regret a choice that will last me a lifetime. My ex has been great and supportive, and he knows me inside out and even my worse fear. He's the easiest choice when it comes to security. Probably I'd need time to see whether he'd change for real. But I wonder if my new date can be a lot better? or worse? He could be a better choice for me.
How do you handle these? I felt like meeting my date too and ask straight forward about all the possible deal breakers and serious relationship stuff to settle it. At least it would save me from the heartbreak that I might suffer in the future. I'm so confused.
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2020.10.25 04:03 marcelinesavocados Are doubts normal when dating a new person ? 22F 26M

Sorry In advance for the weird format, I’m on mobile.
So I’ve been dating this guy for about three weeks now and everything has been going great so far until last weekend when my period was starting and I was super moody and tired the whole date and after so I left his place quietly and in a hurry. No kisses or hugs, we just walked to the subway station in silence ( maybe I was being way to moody on this part but I was in a lot of pain)
Fast forward to the next week things were a bit off over text and he made no plans to meet up during the week like we do, after a few days I asked if he was upset with me or something and he says no, so I’m like okay fine and then we text normally from then on, I was getting drinks on Friday with a friend and he asks to come along so we all hung out for a bit then went back to his place together
In the morning after we had sex I told him I missed him and he was like “really”? And then he said he’s been having doubts about dating me because he’s new in the city and it’s moving so fast and we are very different people ( for reference he’s European and I’m African ) he’s very active and I’m more of the homebody type. But because I liked him so much I was fine with all our dates being active except the day when my period was starting and I was tired and moody.
I took it as him ending things with me and I’m a really emotional person so I started crying and I asked him to tell me if he wanted to end things or not because I want to have closure on everything and know when something is truly over and he wouldn’t give me a definite answer and he only said if he feels doubts so early maybe we should end things
On the other hand I also had thesame exact doubts about him but I talked it out with my mom and she says “nobody is exactly 100% of what you’re looking for because nobody is perfect but as long as they treat you well and respect you then they’re okay”. And “things like being more active than the other you can always find a middle ground and compromise”
So I told him exactly what my mom told me and asked him to do whatever with this information but I’m not gonna beg to be with him and then he says my mom is right and he wants to keep seeing me, that he’s an over thinker his thoughts are just messed up sometimes and he now feels like all he needed was to talk it out with someone so we’re fine now
I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I really like this guy and he’s never been In a relationship before so I cut him some slack, but should I have ended things there and then. Am I wrong for continuing ? Are doubts like these normal and was my moms advice right ? I just need to know that I made the right decision here because my heart is really fragile right now. Thanks in advance to everyone who responds! All advice are welcome :)
TLDR: New guy I’m dating and I had doubts about being so different, is this normal or a dealbreaker ?
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2020.10.24 23:50 mochimochiiii2 My crush (17M) wants his next relationship to end in marriage but I (17F) don’t want to commit to that

Ok so here’s some context for what I am asking advice on: basically the guy I like is planning on asking his crush out on Halloween (I’m 99% sure I’m his crush bc he is rly flirty and shows a lot of romantic interest). Also we’ve been talking as friends for around 2 years, but we both kind of mutually gained romantic interest with each other in the past month.
Anyways, I’m happy about the fact that he probably likes me back but there’s an underlying worry which is the fact that since his past exes treated him so bad and then left him, he has this mindset where he thinks he needs to marry the next person he dates- which gives me such a large amount of stress since I’m only 17 and he’s only 17. I feel like we are both too young to really guarantee such a future like that especially since I personally have only ever dated one other person. So what I’m wondering is how do i even bring up the fact that I can’t guarantee marriage???? ofc if things were to go well for a long time that is a possibility but it isn’t smth I want to think about rn at my age.
I would bring this up w him but the problem is the last time I brought up a similar topic to this, he clammed up and treated the conversation kind of poorly; and I know that if I were to bring up this “marriage” conversation he would prob decide to not date me bc I think this is a dealbreaker for him? which would definitely crush me. anyways yea I would b rly sad and since my mental health is already rly bad, this would just make things worse- like i understand that I shld respect what he wants but he would also need to respect what i want in order to have a balanced relationship.
anyways I rly wanna compromise w him if this topic were to ever come up rather than letting him just give up on the whole thing, I truly want to date him, but I just can’t guarantee marriage at this age, especially since anything could happen. I rly don’t want him to give up on liking me just bc i can’t commit to marriage- but i also want him to understand and realize that he’s still young and shouldn’t have to make himself feel like the next relationship is his last.
So my main question I’m asking is: What do I say when having this conversation especially if things start to go south because of it? In other words: is there some kind of compromise I can offer if he decides to not date me over something like this? Note: This is the first time I’ve posted here and I did look through the rules carefully and followed them as well as I could, but if I broke any of them I’m really sorry and I’ll fix whatever it is! Also if any of this is unclear I am very happy to explain things better! I tend to have very jumbled thoughts but I tried my best to be clear ><
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2020.10.24 19:31 Kdoterin My (28f) serious bf (26m) is flip flopping on major life decisions we used to agree on

Some background: my bf and I have know each out for 13 years a d been good friends forever. We only recently started dating about three years ago but in that time have bought a house together, did two cross country moves, and got a cat together.
We’re both currently finishing our bachelors while working and are crazy busy and have been struggling to maintain some balance. But we were still on track for all of our plans (graduate and get even better jobs in the next two to three years, have our first kid or try to in that time period as well or starting to save to adopt, getting a dog now that we have a yard, getting engaged next year, planning a super duper small wedding even before pandemic stuff)
But since we moved into our house, my bfs anxiety is insane. It’s more responsibility and I can’t help to the standard he insists on as much as he wants me to. He’s particular about the way things are and I try my best but I’m not the best at cleaning that deeply. I have some injuries that make it hard to scrub and bend and stand for long amounts of time (and I have for years) which is he says he understands. He still seems to resent me though when my school work and work work and mental health take priority over laundry.
he’s started expressing doubt that we’re ready for kids or even another pet, refuses to talk about those things and sometimes makes mean snide comments about my mental health “you’re so adhd, how can you take good care of a kid” or “you forget to clean the litter box and can barely function some days, what do you want kids and a dog for”. We talked about doing this stuff next year or the year following, when I’ll be going part time. So more time, different schedules going on. But he insists that won’t matter.
I’m really hurt by it. He has weeks where he’s talking about having room for a playpen in his office and looking at dog breeds and picking names for kids and our dog. And then when I have a few off days (forgetting hw, struggling to be productive when I’m stuck in the house all day) he reacts by getting anxious and convinced he isn’t going to be able to do any of the things we planned and that were dealbreakers for me (he knew this). He also is suddenly dead set against adopting — he’s afraid he won’t bond if our kids are a complexly different race than him (were interracial, he’s white, I’m black, I’d like to adopt brown kids from foster care because ppl tend to not want them as much and I feel they have a bigger need) and that he feels he isn’t equipped to help “special cases”. Complete 180 from the last two years where we were looking up parenting classes and reading about fostering.
I’m starting to get afraid he isn’t sure about the commitment. I’m his first girlfriend and maybe he didn’t know what he wanted until now. I have like emotional whiplash from the back and forth. I feel sad and don’t wanna have sex. Part of me wants to abandon ship. The other part tells me this is just stress talking from the new house and COVID lasting forever, and the uncertainty is getting to him and me. Maybe he’s having a crisis? He’s agreed to get his anxiety treated and go to couples counseling but he’s skeptical it will help and tells me so often. He’s also put it off, every chance he gets, and has been saying he’ll go when things are normal again but I think it is deadly obvious things won’t be normal for a while.
I love him but this is wearing me out on top of the normal difficulties we already had. Idk what to do. He noticed I’ve been sad and despondent and when I talked about it with him, he tried to cheer me up but then said “I’ll probably eventually just do whatever you want me to do” or “idk I love you though and I’ll just get over it if it means staying with you” but those make me sad too, because I’d rather just be friends and break up than trap him in a life he didn’t really want. The thought makes me sick. He’s still one of my best friends before he’s my life partner. I just want us to both be happy.
Advice on how I should I see this, or how to not be devastated about it, or even stories of something similar than worked out or didn’t work out. I just want to feel differently about this
submitted by Kdoterin to askwomenadvice [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 15:30 TheMadQueen96 How do I (24F) find a local guy despite difficult circumstances?

I apologise in advance, for this post will be quite long. There will be a TL;DR at the bottom to account for the long length though.
There are two things to get out of the way with me before I should go any further that are deal-breakers to many potential boyfriends: 1.) I have a history of bad and (in one instance) abusive relationships 2.) I'm trans. I have done all the healing I can from that abuse and I have come to terms with my identity as best I can. I have not had surgery as of yet though, which will be the final step in a very long journey.
I have kind of failed in making local connections. Not from a lack of trying, but due to a total lack of means. Even pre-quarantine I struggled to make more connections as the only groups in my country I could find (that I hadn't already tried) sadly did not align with me at all. Now, I am by no means close-minded but some of these groups would require dramatically altering my lifestyle to be a member (vegan social groups, for example) or would not accept me due to what I am (political or religious organisations).
In terms of hobbies all you can find via searching is coding, all the sports, politics and toastmasters. While I am not against trying new things, none of the what I just mentioned align with me at all. I have my own personal reasons as to why I basically hate sports (was forced to play for being "too feminine"), I'm tired of politics and the other two things I have other reasons against.
In terms of my own hobbies I do run a D&D group (it's online now due to the plague) and although there was one guy I was interested in...He wasn't interested in me and eventually left the game not too long after I asked him out. I assume feeling awkward was part of the reason, on top of the game moving back to online when restrictions were tightened again.
It's a small group and the guys there, I mean they're great and all but I'm just not interested in any of them. It's pretty much the only active hobby I've got that I do with other people and although there are two large groups in the country for TTRPGs I can't join because of people who attend.
I do have to take into account the kind of woman I am and that a lot of guys would see that as a dealbreaker or (even worse) be turned on due to a kink they have...No thanks. Online dating hasn't worked for those reasons or due to there not being anyone in my country using certain sites. For example, OKCupid, although designed well kept pointing me to Scotland and beyond (I live in the North of Ireland/Northern Ireland) when I increased the search radius to as little as 50 miles.
As much as I could click with those people, I am not suited for a long-distance relationship. I have needs that cannot be fulfilled with a long-distance thing.
It seems the most popular application in my country is Tinder and well...It's primarily for hookups. I have been trying it on and off for a while now with no luck. Yes, I understand that there are many people who don't use it for hookups but they are so far and few between it's like searching for a needle in a haystack.
My experience with online dating overall has been negative and honestly, I'm completely put off by the whole thing now. Tired of somebody's kink being the only reason they express interest in me.
I am looking for something real and for a various number of reasons (past abuse and being pre-surgery) I am put off by sex. So going to places where people are typically looking for one-night stands (bars/nightclubs) and then hoping that develops into something more is completely off the table in the same vein that Tinder is. Also, I'm on the Spectrum so going to a club will induce sensory overload anyway and a lot of bars are the same in that regard.
I'm really stuck, tbh. Given that the go-to solution for a lack of social groups and being put off by bars/clubs is usually just to try online dating I honestly wonder what I'm left with. There's the whole asking friends thing too but the only friend I'd trust to find me a suitable match doesn't know anyone. There's my D&D group but they don't know me deep down and given past experiences somebody trying to set me up would need to be someone I really trusted.
Please let me know if there's anything else I could try.


TL;DR: Don't know how to find a potential boyfriend, have tried looking for local groups, online dating and even asking friends of friends. Due to various reasons, bars/clubs aren't an option and I feel stuck. Am looking for potential options.
submitted by TheMadQueen96 to relationships [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 13:40 determinal 40 [M4F] California/Anywhere - I don't have an emergency contact

It's true. One time I had to fight with HR at my job because they require each employee to have an emergency contact. My immediate family isn't nearby and I have a very small circle of friends that are also quite distant.
This past week I was doing some self-reflecting and had a realization that I'm in a fairly good place mentally. It seemed my brain had some room to entertain the idea of dating. Lately I haven't given much thought to meeting someone new. I wasn't sure where to begin. I've been taking the pandemic seriously and only leave my place to go to work and go food shopping. So much like everyone else, options are limited. I'm not great at presenting myself online and had a difficult time deciding which subreddit for my post. This one seems quite appropriate.
Now I'll construct a mental image and list a few possible dealbreakers that you might have.
I'm very tall, slender but athletic body type, light-skinned black male residing in Southern California. Currently a head full of short curly hair because I decided to grow it out in last year. I shaved my head for about 15 years. I can't grow a proper full beard. No tattoos or piercings. First generation American(both parents have accents), east coast US native, only child, never married, no kids and would like to stay childfree, not much of a drinkenot into drugs, never owned a pet(thanks dad), and I have cat allergies(thanks again dad)
Plus, I'm an adventurous eater, I'll try anything. I thoroughly enjoy the outdoors, my hiking boots have a lot of wear and tear. Watch a variety of movies from foreign films to documentaries to ridiculous comedies. Reading history and learning about different cultures.
I'll send a pic early to expedite the process. If you're no longer interested, totally not offended. Maybe I'll include some recent posts in my friends discord so you can get an idea of what I find funny.
I don't have an age, body type, or ethnicity requirement. Just prefer to talk to someone single and unattached like me. Not interested in poly lifestyle either. Distance is not an issue. Traveling can be fun :)
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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2020.10.24 12:47 RappyPhan 34 [M4F] Belgium only

Bonjour! As you can see from the subject, I'm a 34-year-old man from Belgium. I'm looking to date a woman.
I'm a pretty calm and authentic individual with a strong sense of justice. My hobbies are playing video games, writing computer programs, and dance (Lindy Hop).
Who I'm looking for?
Pretty short list, huh? :)
I do hope to have my own children someday, so if you don't want kids, that's a dealbreaker.
Feel free to send me a message!
Au revoir!
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2020.10.24 12:46 RappyPhan 34 [M4F] Belgium only - Let's date!

Bonjour! As you can see from the subject, I'm a 34-year-old man from Belgium. I'm looking to date a woman.
I'm a pretty calm and authentic individual with a strong sense of justice. My hobbies are playing video games, writing computer programs, and dance (Lindy Hop).
Who I'm looking for?
I do hope to have my own children someday, so if you don't want kids, that's a dealbreaker.
Feel free to send me a message!
Au revoir!
submitted by RappyPhan to r4r [link] [comments]