Muslim matchmaking events
New G-ay On-line Da-ting Too Ma-ny
2020.08.29 18:18 IdolA29Augl New G-ay On-line Da-ting Too Ma-ny
2020.08.09 16:34 aadirad I converted to Islam during my late teens. I wish guidance came to me later in life.
Becoming a Muslim put me through so much hardship. Disowned by parents, lack of financial support, emotional support, uncertainty, and all the stress that comes with it. I was fine with all that, I had faith that Allah would reward me sooner or later. But now I am losing faith.
Islam came to me when I was in my mid to late teens. Everybody knows what’s the number one priority in a teenage boy’s mind. Back then, I figured I will wait till I am 25 years old, get settled and get married, and do it the halal way. 25 sounded like a reasonable age to get married. And it was somewhat easy to stay away from zina till then. It was the timeline I set up for myself in my mind. My nafs and the shayateen couldn’t break in.
I am almost 28 now. And nowhere close to getting married. I have been battling with my nafs pretty much everyday the last 3 years. My non Muslim friends used to tell me I will regret my decision wait to till marriage once I get old. My imaan used to be strong. I used to tell them it’s just a small sacrifice for a great reward. Now when I look back, I can't help but think that I was wrong and they were right. I regret my decision to be chaste. I regret it deeply.
I know zina is a very big sin in Islam. In the Quran, it comes after shirk and murder. Zina gets double punishment. I never understood why it’s considered as that big of a sin. And I never really agreed with it. But I am a Muslim. I hear and I obey. All these year I stayed away from it, despite it being the one thing I want the most from this dunya.
I tried all I could to get married. But I was going through a very uncertain and stressful period from ages 24 to 27 (the stressful phase never would have happened if I didn't go against my parents). I knew no woman would want me , I wasn't settled in my life yet. But still I tried. I have asked elders to keep an eye out for me, posted on /MuslimMarriage
, joined paid matrimonial websites (most members don't even have the decency to reply back), attended matchmaking events, and of course I made dua. I have been making dua everyday for the last 3 years for Allah to bless me with a wife. So far, it's been unanswered. And that's what makes me upset. It's not something I have been asking for a few weeks or months. It's literally been years I have been making dua.
And if it was anything else, and my duas went unanswered, I would have been fine with it. But Allah created me, he knows how much my nafs and my heart crave for a wife. When I was younger, it used to be only about lust. Now, as I get older, I want a companion. I have been living alone for the last 8 years now. It can't be healthy to keep living like this.
He knows the toll this takes on me, and he is still not facilitating marriage for me. At the end of last year, things were looking good. I received good news, and after 3 years of struggle, I finally was in a good spot and was't uncertain of my future. I thought I could establish myself in life and start looking for a wife. Then COVID happened, and now I am unemployed. And I don't see how I can go about looking for a wife when the whole country is shut down.
Maybe marriage is not good for me. That's why Allah hasn't given me a spouse yet. If that's the case, why has he put this intense desire inside of me? He is Ar-Raouf, he can be kind towards me, and remove this desire from my nafs, can he not?
I had women approach me before. A girl whom I used to share a house told me "Aadirad, you are very handsome, you are good looking. How come you don't have a girlfriend? Are you gay?" Girls from work, girls from uni, yeah I could have done zina if I wanted to. If I could go back, I would have pursued them, I should have pursued them.
To stay away from zina, I resorted to porn. "At least it's not as bad as zina. Other people do much worse than this" I used to tell myself. Now I think watching porn is worse than zina. I ended up being really addicted to porn during my early twenties for a couple years. It took me so much willpower and effort to get out of it, but I still watch it occasionally. I can avoid it for weeks, or even months. But I always end up going back to it. Why? After enough time passes, my body needs a release, and it's either zina or porn. It's like the more I repress my desires, the more depraved I become. I don't have any halal options, all I have are haram options. And yes, I tried fasting. Works for a while but fasting alone can't fix this.
My mother told me because I am a Muslim, no one would ever marry me. That was over 3 years ago. Yeah, looks like she was right.
And please don't tell me the greater the hardship, the greater the reward. What if I don't want great reward? What if I don't want Al-Firdaws, and I am just content with staying away from Jahannam? I would be happy with the bare minimum. I would gladly give up the hoor ul ayn if it means I get a good wife in this dunya. I would rather have an easy life in this dunya than "great reward" in the akhirah. Haven't I been patient enough? Hasn't Allah tested me enough? Haven't I sacrificed enough? I sacrificed my relationship with my parents to worship him. I sacrificed my youth staying away from zina to please him. I used to sacrifice my sleep waking up for Fajr. Now I can't be bothered anymore. It seems my dua is landing on deaf ears, so why should I bother?
The first time a girl came on to me, I must have been about 22, it took me every fibre of my being to not take things further. "You sacrificed your relationship with your parents for this deen, don't throw it away for a woman" I told myself. Used to tell myself Allah will give me something better. Well, it's been 6 years now, forget about "something better", so far I haven't got anything. Nothing at all.
My life would have much more easier if I hadn’t gone against my parent’s wishes and became Muslim. I would have had my family’s support. I would probably be well settled and married by now. There are days I wish that Islam came to me much later in life.
Making dua everyday and it not being answered just depresses me.
You know what feels like a slap on the face? When I see people who committed zina, Muslim and non-Muslim, get married and be happy.
I had hope Allah would reward me, but that was when I was young. I am getting old now, and slowly losing hope each passing day. It’s not worth it starving myself, it’s not worth it putting myself through emotional anguish. Would be so much more easier to divert my energy in finding a short term relationship rather than finding a wife. May be Allah would forgive me. May be he won't. All these years asking him to bless me with a wife, all these years of worship, nafl fasting, and sadaqah should count for something. I just can’t keep doing this anymore.
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2020.07.27 13:22 adopt27JJul What Should Christian Da-ting Look Like ?
2020.07.01 00:16 hrmahdi Muslim Matchmaking Event
2020.04.10 11:23 ForwardPlenty Boundary Stomps Number 16
Other boundary stomps number 16.
Since there appears to be an infinite number of boundary stomps we will just keep going and see where this leads. Disclaimer
This is for my own reference. I get no karma for posting in my own profile. Index First post Second Post, more boundary stomps Third Post, more boundary stomps Fourth Post, even more boundary stomps Fifth set of boundary stomps Sixth set, wow. Seventh set, oh my Eighth set. when will it end Ninth set. Baby Rabies and Reproductive choices Nine "A" set of boundary stomps Nine "B" set of boundary stomps Nine "C" set of boundary stomps Tenth Set Eleventh Set Twelfth set Thirteenth set - The Bank Thirteenth - A - The Bank continued Fourteenth Set, a continuation Fifteenth Set, Boundary stomps Sixteenth Set, Boundary Stomps
You may be interested in types of boundaries
as well A boundaries and consequences checklist
It Continues. There seems to be an endless stream of boundary stomps, each different, and depending on the tolerance of the recipient and the JustNo-ness of the stomper.
So your JustNO wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and decides that she is going to walk around all day and give you the silent treatment. She wants you to chase after her, and beg her to tell you what is wrong, if there is something you did, or basically grovel at their feet to get them to reveal what they are pouting about. When they do spill the beans it is with a great deal of vindictiveness, saying awful things or being upset about something you did as a child.
So today we wake up and go to say hello, and we get a very curt "hi" in response. At this moment I knew that today was one of these days - she was going to haunt around the house cleaning and doing chores but being completely mum and not letting out a peep; just floating around in her simmering silence. It creates such an air of discomfort and unease. The worst of it is that it causes my SO extreme anxiety and they will grovel just to get their mum to talk to them. If one does get her talking, she may say very hurtful things like "I wish I never had kids," or "We're not friends." What's even better is that we often are not aware of what happened/what we did to set her off. Often she wakes up like this.
It's been a pattern, she does this about once every trip we make. I have tried everything with my SO to get them to see this for what it is, a cry for attention, and often will suggest we just drive back to ours early and let her do her thing. I think this is the most effective way to deal with this behavior but I'm also open to other suggestions. SO is always hesitant to leave because they don't want to make things worse. Link
Dragging out visits
There are all sorts of behaviors that are annoying and we don't stand for with other people. We allow our JustNO to get away with it because we are inexplicably bound to them and are just not able to cut them off and be done with it all.
Parents and outlaws live 1 mi. from each other and no matter how long we spend with them we're always accused of rushing out (JNMIL does a "but you haven't had dessert" trick every time we try to leave which drags the visit out at least another hour.) Link
Stealing School Lunches, raiding the food bank
Your JustNO thinks it is really funny to go to the school and get the free lunches that are given out to feed children who are food insecure during periods where the school is shutdown. They also see no problem in driving up to the food bank and filling their trunk. Note that your JustNO has a steady income and they are not in poverty. It is just that the food bank does not have a way of checking that you don't have an income and rely on the inherent goodness of people to make things work. They will also take advantage of the free winter coat and other government handouts, all the while talking about how much the government is taking and how the really poor people are taking advantage of the system.
friend starts grabbing bags of the lunches and stuff on the table and says, "How many you need? You have five grandbabies you are picking up for right?" RECORD SCRATCH For the record, she has TWO grand children. MY two children. DS is 26, married and lives in another state with his expecting wife and DD who drives her to chemo on her days off. That's it. There are no five elementary school grand babies starving at home. She just stole 5 lunches from UNDERPRIVILEGED KIDS Link
Well, she is...thrifty. No, that’s nice. She is CHEAP and GREEDY. she knows I cannot go so she has a going to the school meal pickups every week. She came over to drop some mail off to me and she just told me she got meals for 9 kids. NINE. That she kept to herself so she doesn’t have to go to the store for breakfast, lunch or snacks. She took food away from nine children. Link
Putting your number on Craigslist
You and your JustNO are on the outs. They have exhausted their flying monkeys, they have done the unannounced visit, they have left thousands of voicemails, and dropped thousands of texts. They are blocked on all your social media, and you have moved and left no forwarding address.
Well that is unacceptable. They somehow find out your phone number, even though you really haven't shared it with anyone (cost is a couple dollars on one of the big data websites.) They decide it is a great idea to put your phone number on Craigslist advertising sex services, or other things that people call in the middle of the night. One extreme case featured on Law and Order had someone attacked because of an advertisement.
E.g. putting our number on our local Craigslist so that random people called us all through the night about something we had no earthly idea about. Link
You must be exorcised
You have a meltdown. Instead of removing you from the situation, your JustNO decides that you need to be exorcized so she basically waterboards you while screaming for the devil to come out.
What was her response to this? "THE DEMONS FINALLY CAME!!" I vividly remember thinking "what the actual heck."when I heard that. I tried to explain that I just wanted to get in the car and relax. I was fairly non-verbal at that time so communication was not happening. This resulted in me being strapped down in the car with seat belts while my mother put a (??something idk what but it was fabric) over my mouth/nose before pouring water over my face. Basically waterboarding me while screaming out hysterical prayers to save me from the demons that were causing me to act in such "an ungodly manner". Link
Destroying your Creative Space
Your just no decides that your art studio is too messy and she decides to help you out and clean it for you. She scrubs the artwork off the wall that your kids made, she organizes all the art supplies, you know the ones by the "unfinished" artwork that has offended her, and cleaned up all the surfaces that were so messy.
One room in their home has always been exceptionally messy, my daughter in laws art studio/office space. It is a tiny room in the back of their house. I wish I could post a picture of it. Paint everywhere, floor to ceiling. She used to have these beautiful colored walls, but now there is just paint everywhere. She has brushes and dirty paint water everywhere. She has paintings in various stages hanging all over the place. Her art supplies are just in different piles all over the room. She has giant piles of books that are often strewn about. The floor is dusted with pencil shavings, crayon wrappers, etc. It is nerve wrecking. She even allows the kids to draw on the walls in this room, they do big canvas projects on the floors (she allows them to paint with dangerous oil paints!!). I have always wanted to tackle that room and organize it so that it is a pleasant place for she and the kids to be in, so I did. I organized all of the art supplies, swept the floors, got some of the kids scribbles off the walls, organized the books into categories and neat piles, etc. It took me nearly four hours, but i was happy with it. I even ordered nontoxic paint and some regular crayons for the children. Evening comes around, and I’m excited to show her the room. She will be off of work for a couple of days, so I’m thinking she will really have a great time enjoying it.
She gets home and when she saw her office, she was actually angry. She started yelling “what did you do!” And complaining about me cleaning the place! I told her she needed to calm down, the room was filthy! She proceeded to scream obscenities at me, and walk away from me. Telling me “not to touch her shit”. I’m watching her children and picking up after them free of charge, I do not deserve to be talked to that way.
I posted to Facebook with a before and after of the room (won’t post here for privacy) I just wanted to let out my feelings on the situation, and get some consolation from my friends. She ended up going on a rant in the comments and starting up an argument, and a lot of drama. Link
Have you ever seen Yours, Mine and Ours, the 2005 version? Rene Russo plays this hippy dippy designer with this madcap workspace and the children, in an effort to break her and their father up, clean up the space. When he sees it, he smiles, cheers for her taking initiative and cleaning up. She can't work with it all cleaned up, it completely saps the creativity of the space. The chaos is part of the design effort, seeing fabrics and additions and inspirations next to each other. It destroys Rene's faith in her husband, to find her space not only invaded, but wrecked, and him tickled about it. She is so distraught, she can't even voice why it hurts. They got through every hardship together, working out the issues, discussing their next steps, but that was the end of them. Link
Helicopter Mom (enmeshment)
Oh My God. She has to be in everything, finances, relationships, job, underwear, sex life, food choices, passwords, bank account and just everything. Really. Has to give advice on everything, and the world ends if he asks anyone else. Must know when he gets up and tells him when to go to bed, who he can hang out with and what color bathroom accessories to buy.
I've been with my boyfriend (28) for a few years now and i am still finding it difficult to deal with his manipulative, overbearing helicopter mother. When we first met she basically gave me a run down of all of his life history, all of his mistakes and really embarrassing details and criticisms that I honestly found very inappropriate. The kind of things you would not want your mother telling a potential girlfriend.
As the years have gone on I have witnessed so much of it. She has asserted her influence over him as a child all the way through adulthood. She gets involved in matters that don't concern her, treats him like he's 5, acts like he is incapable of doing anything on his own, undermines him, is manipulative and when he gets mad and turns it around, has spoken to, sent letters and spoken to his boss etc on his behalf without being asked to, goes looking through his stuff, asks for all of his passwords, has got involved in his friendships without permission, thinks she has say over how he spends his money, has opened his mail, belittles him infront of guests and did infront of me when we first met and then wonders why her son can't do anything on his own and isn't emotionally mature to handle life's problems. Link
Buying your adult son new underwear
No it is not a nice thing to buy your 30+ year old kid nice calvin klein underwear. Especially since you like to get to the house early so you can catch him getting dressed. Ewwwww. Link
Stealing your creative ideas
Mum has emailed me talking about their situation and asking me to brain storm for any creative ideas for them to make some extra cash. I responded with a couple of ideas, but the most fleshed out and best one was for them to put together boxes of ingredients for people to make their own restaurant signature meals. I was thinking people would be more comfortable preparing their own food (as Mum had said people were very worried about the safety of take away food in her area) and noted that she could theme the boxes for advertising purposes, I specifically suggested “romantic dinner for 2” or “family Sunday brunch.” I think from the title we’ve all guessed where this is going. We find a time for a video chat and spend about an hour talking last night. In that time Mum tells me all about this idea she had and basically explains my above idea back to me, right down to the romantic dinner for two specific theming idea. Link
Stealing Easter Eggs from Children
On Easter Sunday morning, my three kids were unleashed into the back yard to pick up eggs. MIL kept pointing out the eggs to the kids. My husband told her to stop, because all we have is time these days! Let the kids enjoy! So she moves over to the other side of the yard. When I look over, she is stuffing eggs into her pockets. MIL didn't notice that I saw her. The kids said, "We can't find anymore!" So I said, "Great! Did you each find 25? That is how many were out there for each of you." So I told them to keep looking! MIL realizes what she has done, but won't own up to it. She walks up to my preschooler and says, "NAME! I have an egg just for you!" Makes this huge deal out of presenting it to him. Link
Destroying your Non-Stick Pans
You talk to your JustNO about how much you like your non-stick pans. She decides to clean your kitchen, and scratch all
your pans so they are now unusable. Link
Wanting Gifts Back (the gift that isn't a gift but a loan or "lend"
So whether they gave gifts with strings, or they decide that you don't want or like their gift or just simply because, some JustNO's decide that you need to return the gift that they gave you. Somehow you become the asshole when you mention that it is a gift and that it really doesn't matter what they want, it is now your property, not theirs. If you want to sell it, donate it, or take it out in the back yard and set it on fire it is now yours to do what you want to with it.
She got a gift for LO about a year ago and now she’s asking for it back. LO doesn’t use it for its intended purpose because we replaced it with something for for him, he’s using it as a toy now and he LOVES it so much. Not sure what she wants to do with it. Maybe she wants to keep it in her house so he can use it whenever he “visits” her which he hasn’t since this past December and I don’t intend on letting him visit her anytime soon. Or maybe she’s trying to sell it? Link
In Oct my parents brought up a secondhand bassinet when they visited for my 3D ultrasound (I live 5 hours away for future context). I was very happy for the bassinet, a lot of major baby items I got were secondhand or given to me at my baby shower. About 2.5 months ago I gave away the bassinet, beeb didn't like sleeping in it and frankly it was taking up precious room in our apartment that we're rapidly growing out of.Fast forward to today, June 6th, my mom suddenly asks me for the bassinet back, insisting she told me long ago about her plans on giving it to the (at the time) pregnant GF of a member from a local band who just had her baby last week. Apparently I now need to either: get the bassinet back from the rando on Kijiji, find her a link to buy a new one in the exact brand and design, or buy one for her myself, for her and my father to then drive 5 hours to pick up???
My mother is determined to get this exact bassinet to this girl even though said girl most likely already has a place for the baby to sleep in 🥴🥴 Today I learned from JNM that gifts aren't actually gifts, they're just lends. Link
Well, this should be self-explanatory, but it has to be said. There are certain events where inappropriate gifts are okay. Bachelorette parties with friends and the like, a set of sexy lingerie or a box of penis pasta is fun and not overstepping bounds. Giving religious tracts to an atheist, a gold cross
to a Muslim or Jew, giving baby outfits to a child free couple, a key chain to someone who's car has just been repossessed are all examples of inappropriate gifts that just show thoughtlessness. Indeed showing favoritism by giving someone at a party twenty presents, and excluding someone else (at Christmas, for example) is inappropriate.
Giving children age inappropriate gifts, used items, roadside finds or dirty hand-me-downs are really a JustNO. Link
Above all though giving your Son a CLONE-A-WILLIE
probably takes the cake.
Presents are opened, and DS goes off to his room to play a new PlayStation game she got him.
TN is sitting there looking like the cat that ate the canary. She hands Ex DH the last box, giggling like she's a fucking 13 year old girl with her crush. Ex DH unwraps the box and looks equal parts confused and horrified.
YOU GUYS!!! SHE GAVE HIM A CLONE-A-WILLY ewwwwwwwwwww
Inappropriate gifts can also be used as a direct attack. Giving you a flea collar because you are a dog.
she decided to give me a present that had condoms with a note begging us to use these so we don’t have a white trash baby like me, a flea color because supposedly I was a dog, a note addressed to him talking about how she kept his secret about him cheating on me etc etc how could he do this to her blah blah Link
For Christmas they may give you a dress four sizes too big. For your birthday they may give you a set of gardening tools (especially inappropriate if you live in an apartment.) They give you anything that you dislike or will embarrass you, and sit on the edge of their chair bouncing like a four year old awaiting your reaction. How about giving you sexy lingerie and a subscription to a matchmaking site at a dinner with you and your Dear Husband (like this
). Anything is really fair game, as long as it is sure to trigger your reaction (see Reactive Abuse
Before I can open the box she says, "I bought these online but they were much too big. I thought they would be perfect for you!" It's 4 pairs of workout shorts. All mediums. Now I don't have a problem with my weight, but I'm a large on a good days right now. Ya know, babies, quarantine, all that jazz. MIL has always had a weight issue and we've often thought she was bordering on anorexic. This is also not the first time she's gotten me workout clothes. Link
Then the is the subset that falls into love bombing and giving unwanted gifts, too many gifts and volume of gifts instead of quality. For instance for Little One's first birthday she brings in three giant Santa sacks full of every toy from 1-3 years old. Literally 50 toys. Or the JustNO brings in sack after of sack of junk from the flea market. That you have to go through and get rid of. They will literally leave the bags of stuff on your doorstep forcing you to have to deal with it. Link
Sometimes the gift just makes you go eww. Religious gifts, inspirational gifts, t-shirts with sayings (think "I'm with stupid") and other things that the other person things are funny, but they want you to use or display them.
"I am a lucky son because I'm raised by a freaking awesome mom. She was born in May. She's a bit crazy and scares me sometimes. But she knows more than she says. Thinks more than she speaks. And notices you more than you realize. She loves me so much. If you mess with me, she'll punch you in the face. VERY HARD. . . Yes she bought me this shirt." Link
She explained that since my birthday had passed several months previously during the regrettable period of silence she had brought my birthday present. Feeling flustered I unwrap this huge and very heavy gift just as the waiter is coming with our coffees. The waiter recoiled in horror as I sat there with the ugliest creepiest doll with these staring almost haunted eyes.
The wait staff all took turns to come and peek at the hideous thing, giving us perplexed looks as it sat pride of place on the table. This thing followed us from house to house over the years and it never stopped giving me the creeps. Happily when I went NC 3 years ago the doll got the boot. I didn't even give it to charity but just binned it. Link
And how about the one where the JustNO gave their grand child a puppy. A puppy breed that the child's father expressly said they didn't want. Talk about overstepping. Link
Too Many Gifts
How could you get too many gifts? Well for one thing there is limited space anywhere you live. If the amount of gifts you get will fill up your living space that is too many. There is also a quantity over quality kind of gift giving. Emptying a shelf of nick-knacks to fill up a shopping cart of gifts is too many of the stuff you don't need or want. If someone gives thoughtless and inconsiderate gifts, one may be too many. Talk about ten or twenty lame, unwanted or inconsiderate gifts and you start getting the picture. You ask the giver to stop or place any kind of limit and you would have thought you were killing puppies.
We agreed over time, and have conveyed to everyone in our families for years, that we much prefer fewer items, experience, edible things etc. as we live in a tiny space and aren't huge on consumption in general.
I've just received a massive parcel filled with gifts, for my not-even-two-year-old child, on top of gifts she's sent via Amazaon directly to the house. It arrived during nap time so I got out a knife and opened each item. In surveying it all, beyond the fact that she did not send the two ideas I suggested would be best suited for our child, it's a lot of unedited crap (with a couple of handmade items that I was aware were coming, which are appreciated). In total it's eleven gifts (some with multiple items wrapped together so more than eleven) just for our child who has zero concept of Christmas, and a few that are for her and us together (ornaments mainly - yes, more than one). Everything is individually wrapped and I'm sure she loved the process of buying and wrapping it all, but it's still WAY TOO MUCH.
She has sent more items from her to our child than we have bought to give to our child ourselves. And she's not the only extended family member who is going to be sending gifts. It's just too much. Link
Kids "Gifts" that must stay at JustNO's house
The lovely JustNO in your life has a nice birthday party at their house. There are lots of lovely gifts. Toys and clothes and a wonderful time was had by all. When you go to pack everything up, the JustNO informs you that the gifts and clothes are for their house, and the poor heartbroken child has to come to visit them to play with the toys or wear the nice clothes.
By "giving" gifts that aren't gifts, but accessories for their house, they are using that as a manipulation tactic to get additional time with the kiddo. (There have been instances where the JustNO's buy an expensive video game and system to encourage the SO to visit.) If the gift was particularly expensive, fun or fashionable, then the kiddo gets cast in the role of the nag to go visit the JustNO. When the kiddo gets older, they understand the betrayal of the gift that is not a gift, but a manipulation tool. It is particularly painful to give back a nice toy so that it can sit, unused at the JustNO's house. In the JustNO's world this is a perfect scenario, she didn't even have to expend any energy in manipulating the kiddo to get them to want to go visit the JustNO.
So the basic premise of a gift is that it now belongs to the recipient. When they attach strings to the gift, it no longer is a gift, but a transaction. If the recipient now "owes" the JustNO something when receiving a gift, then it is not a gift. Link
When gifts have huge strings, and sometimes you end up with consequences for using them. Your JustNO will often put ways of tracking how you spend, and in some cases will put a tracking device on a car that they give you. These kind of gifts are used to control, manipulate and generally make your life a living hell. Link
The poisoned gift doesn't have to be obvious. The JustNO may actually engage you to get your own gift, which still comes with strings and sends a message that you are not worthy. This example is a FMIL that doesn't like your china (that her mother bought her) and gives money to buy something that the JNMIL would like. Example
The poisoned gift can also be part of an overall pattern to put you in a bad light for refusing a gift that you have already rejected.
At my baby shower back in March, she gifted me an elevated cushion. It read "The only anti colic cushion that isn't doesn't cause SIDs" or something to that effect among the packaging. I thanked BG but kindly refused the gift because there is no such thing as a cushion that is not a SIDs risk factor when it comes to babies, and kindly told her so.
Weeks after I had DS, FIL texted SO asking where we were. SO told him we're at home, and FIL said that they were outside our house. He came upstairs and presented me this pear shaped parcel. I unwrapped it. And then I was angry. It was another pillow. This time one of those nest pillows. SO could see I was angry and came out with a very JustNo sentence. She had planned this. Subtly. So that then I look like I'm being unreasonable. But she had clearly listened to what I said, she knew how I felt about these cushions, and she had taken the time to buy, wrap, travel and deliver this 'gift'. Link
The Not Free "Gift"
Your JustNO hears that you need something, maybe it's a little pricy or something that you are shopping around for. They just happen to have one and are willing to give it to you, as long as you pay for it.
That almost sounds like a gift, because they are giving it to you, complete with strings attached for a low, low, bargain basement price. Link
This is a gift that is given on the condition that an event occurs. For instance you are promised a car if you graduate college. Or your JustNO buys you a wedding dress if you wear it to the wedding. If the condition does not occur then they get the gift back. This is something a little different than gift with strings, where they will owe you forever if they pay for college type thing, or they give you down payment for a house then years later they use that to leverage living with you because they helped you buy the house. The difference is the condition is usually legally enforceable.
A conditional donative promise is a donative promise where the promisor intends to give a gift to the promisee but only after the promisee fulfills a condition that the promisor sets out. Promissory estoppel is an equitable doctrine in which the promisee who relied upon a reasonable promise who has subsequently suffered loss may recover damages from the promisor.
This can be turned around on an abuse who promised to do something like pay for college, if you do something for them, like act as caretaker while they recover from surgery. This can be legally enforced.
Morally there is sometimes an issue where a gift was given with no conditions attached, then the gift giver decides that the person they gave the gift to made them upset, and then wants the gift back, with the implied condition that because they gave you the gift you have to do what they say or you have no rights to the gift.
Buying someone a birthday gift for yourself
Hypothetical question: You go to a birthday party and bring a nice gift. When you leave you take the gift with you, are you a JustNO? Yes, why yes you are.
It was my toddlers birthday and MIL told me that she wanted to buy a carseat. I told her we already had one so no need. Well, day of birthday comes around... and guess what she bought? A carseat, of course. I accept it awkwardly. When it was time for her to go, without even saying anything on forehand she grabs the carseat and takes it with her. Saying she will use it for her car for when she picks our son up. Which is.... almost never? Maybe a 2 or 3 times a year? So I guess she bought herself a gift. Not sure for what but I suspect to brag around her friend group as she keeps telling everybody that her grandchild is alwayyyyyys with her, which is not true. Link
So to a true JustNO, giving someone a gift is another opportunity to extract the maximum amount of drama, pain and emotional abuse from the object of abuse. Starting months in advance they demand a list. Then they argue about it, causing you to feel bad, because after all nobody has to buy you a gift. They will go over and over about what it is that you want, then finally they end up buying you something that you don't want and is meant to get under your skin.
The game starts in July. She asks me what I want then explains to me why I'm wrong, makes promises she doesn't keep and eventually buys me something she knows I don't like. She will often even say I would never buy you X because I know you don't like it, and then that's exactly what she does. She also used to ask me what I needed because she knew we were poor, would tell me that she would buy it so that I could buy her something more expensive and then wouldn't buy it. So much fun! Link
My parents sent a nice housewarming gift within a week. Nothing from IL's for about 2 months. Gifts are not required by any means but you expect something from your parents to acknowledge your kids success. Then it comes... An envelope addressed with my Husbands name only and inside there is a Christmas card to congratulate HIM on HIS house! The inside said Merry Christmas and she added IN JULY. We got it in March, weirdo...That makes no sense. Inside was a 2k check to DH w/ the memo stating FOR YOUR HOUSE. Now DH is pissed and stated that it was not a gift. He was annoyed that she couldn't even be bothered to get a proper card and made it weird. He knows she purposely left my name off. Link
Giving you stolen things
Your JustNO gives you a gift, which you don't particularly care for, but they insist that you must wear it everyday, for instance, or that you have to display it, etc. Turns out that they stole it and by you not rejecting it, you are complicit in the crime.
Weeks later she presents me with a special necklace with a bible verse for “protection “. 2 years later ExSO buys me a necklace with matching matching bangle for my birthday. She sees it and immediately complains “ What about MY necklace ?” I explain “I’ll wear it sometimes and this one sometimes. “But you HAVE to wear MY NECKLACE for protection. Figure it out “. I wore both until I one broke. Another few years later I overheard a conversation about how the necklace was stolen from Egg donor’s friend who mysteriously stopped coming by weeks after said necklace came into my possession. Funny how she all seemed to lose friends. Link
Giving away your toys for your birthday
Your JustNO decides that she wants to throw a really great party, so to ensure that all the little cousins, brothers, nieces and nephews, and friends get your toys. You look like a greedy little kid when you are upset about this. She can't understand.
Towards the end of the party, it was time for the piñata. The piñata was a life size replica of all three Powerpuff Girls (each being about 4 feet tall and about 1.5 feet wide.) After hitting it a few times, it broke and all the goods began to pour out. Normally, piñatas would be filled with candy and small party favors, but what came out was ALL of my toys. I don’t remember the party all too well, being that I just turned six and all, but I remember this moment perfectly. Link
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2019.05.20 21:20 ALittleGoat How do modern Muslims find partners in a 'moderate' and 'normal' way?
I'm posting here on behalf of a male friend who is a practicing Muslim. I am not one.
We are both engineering colleagues in a male-dominated workplace in the UK. I've told him it's about time he finds a partner, but he's explained that very few girls cross his path, let alone Muslim ones.
I understand that there are apps, dating websites and community matchmakers (which I suppose I am now). However we live in an area where the only Muslim events are rare and very segregated, and he finds dating apps a little weird. I know I find them rather forced.
Guys (or girls) who have been in this situation, how did you meet muslims of the opposite sex, let alone go for socialise with them? Is there anything I can do to support my friend?
I might even go out on a limb and say that if anyone is interested in being set up with my friend (Northern England), give me a shout!
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2018.01.25 00:51 SociopathicInLaws My MIL is a Devil Incarnate Sociopath [Part 3]
Heyyyyy everyone! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I was away on vacation for a bit so kinda decided to forego my laptop and writing stuff. I hope you all had a wonderful start to 2018.
So, for anyone new to this we left off over here Travelling to his country to meet him
We flew in mid week and got to my aunt’s place. Keep in mind, in our culture, it should be the guy’s family who should come and see the bride at her own home. The whole idea of marriage is her family giving her away to a new family. At no point should we have to go meet them, they are supposed to come and want me/take me. It is similar to the father walking the bride down the aisle so think of our customs as much grander performance of that same belief. But this fucking bitch profusely refused to come to my home. At first it was “my son is not ready for marriage”. Well then why the fuck were you looking for a girl for your son?!?! Why the fuck were you after my parents calling us everyday talking about how beautiful I am, how long my hair is, how I'm the epitome of Bengali beauty and if your son could have my number? So him and I can go for ice-cream date over skype while holding your fucking hand? Of course her tune changed after her son gave her the ultimatum that he is interested in me and if everything goes well he will marry me whether she wants it or not. Then she started to make up some excuse about how she cannot travel out to see me because “his father has to be present when he gets engaged and he is in no condition to travel”. As. If. You. Give. A. Fuck. About. Your. Ex-husband. Let’s be honest, she wanted nothing to do with me and was trying everything she can to get rid of me.
Anyways, I think the plan is on the weekend his family will come over to my aunt's place to officially see me. Of course this would be out first time meeting in person too and then considering how we feel about each other we go from there. I mean yes there was already an engagement ring for me and my parents also had a watch (which is a pre-wedding/engagement gift in our culture) for him in case if an official engagement happens. We kinda sorta knew it was going to happen but we also wanted to be realistic and reasonable. If for some reason one of us or even both of us don’t feel any connection we would be honest and call it quits.
Now call me hopeless romantic, I was hoping he would meet me at the airport with flowers. Maybe it’s just way too many bollywood movies and a bit of being pampered in my previous relationship with someone so attentive. But of course he did not meet me at the airport. I think it took awhile for my husband to learn to be romantic and he still has a long way to go. But I also believe even if he did want to, his mom would have stopped him right away. So this whole, come and see a potential bride for the first time is a big family affair- as in it should include the potential groom, his parents, his siblings and their SO, any other close relatives and the matchmaker. When I asked him who is coming, he told me it would just be him and his mom. His father is obviously disabled and cannot travel. His sister is at work, this bitch couldn’t even take a day off, how caring! His brother and his wife wouldn’t come because they are busy. I had to press him for a bit to find out it's not that they're busy, it's probably because they like to stay away from this family as in MIL, SIL, and my husband. Wtf? Weird...um why? He then goes on to tell me his SIL is manipulative, controls his brother and she has been just been bloody awful to his mom and sister. As usual, my reaction is “well it takes two to tangle, your mother must have done something too”. You know what the real reason was, bitch MIL did not want to make it a big family affair. She called and told his brother and SIL not to bother because this isn't a big deal. She was also shittalking me and my family to het as well. Basically she was just coming with her son for the sake of it and then she would try to end things right there. And believe me she tried many, many times to ruin things between me and him.
Formal meet at my aunt’s place
Bengali culture is embedded in hospitality, generosity and entertainment. This sort of ideal is same with other South-Asian cultures as well, any desi person reading here can vouch for this. We are the people known for throwing huge wedding festivities, so when it comes to showing off your daughteniece as a potential bride, people go all out with their cuisines. Now is not the time for take out and catering, this is your chance to show off family values and those special family dishes. So my mom, my aunt and her mother-in-law (she is a nice lady) slaved the entire day cooking way too many dishes. It’s not about people being able to finish, it’s about putting on a show of food. Think of a massive thanksgiving spread but with about 10-15 Bangladeshi dishes. Then the dessert round starts and that is a delicacy on it’s own - again we have about 6-10 desserts at a time just for a mere dinner. Imagine an array of food like this or this but in massive portions for 10-15 people. You get the picture. So in summary, my family cooked a lot in preparation of only two people plus the cunt matchmaker coming over to see me. Keep in mind, both prospective side is supposed to put on a show because it's about first impression, going out of your way to show respect. By showing more than necessary hospitality and generosity with food and gifts indicates your desire to build a relationship with this family.
As the bride’s side puts on a huge feast, the grooms side is expected to bring lots of gifts for the potential bride and boxes upon boxes of desserts or what we call is Mithai. These mithais come in boxes and on such occasion, people would bring about 5-10 really beautiful and iintricate boxes, if not more. I am not exaggerating you guys. If there is another South Asian person reading this, they can attest to what I am describing here. This may seem excessive but that’s South Asian culture, and through this excessiveness of gifts you present yourself as people who want your child for their child, it symbolizes that your child will be taken care off, well-endowed, loved and respected.
I remember this one story where I had gotten a proposal but the guy’s parents lived back home in Bangladesh. Since we don’t live there, my father’s older brother and his wife went on behalf of my parents, basically acting like my second guardian and they took about $500 USD worth of sweets and two big wicker baskets full of flowers. Neither me or my parents nor the prospective groom were there but a big deal had to be made because their generosity and behavior could lead to a potential wedding. Another time under the guise of “family dinner at a friend’s house” my parents forced me to meet a guy and his family and up on meeting him, I turned him down right away. But still his mom gave me a basket of lotions and bath stuff etc and a jewelry box with pretty crystal earrings. Mind you, that mom had come prepared with two fat bangles called kada, looks like these stuff, which she had apparently saved aside all her life for her firstborn’s wife. She wanted me to take it right then and there and I refused. Traditionally, we don’t have the culture of engagement ring, it’s actually bangles which if the potential bride wears it, she is immediately promised to him. And this was just a family dinner at someone else’s house, it wasn’t a formal “meet the bride at her house” and yet she still insisted I take it.
Now that I have set the precedence for what is to be expected, let me tell you what I got when they came over. No there was no gift for the potential bride, me. My husband picked up a bouquet of flowers and his mother, got two slabs of 8 inch cakes from Costco. LOL. If I had no feelings for him, I would have turned them down right away. I know it’s excessive what we do but the fact that she didn’t bother to do anything at all is a form of disrespect towards the bride and her family and indicates she had zero desire for this potential marriage. Whatever, we didn't take any offense to it, acted like it was nothing and went on as if everything was normal. You guys might think, I am expecting too much and his mother cannot afford all of this. Let me tell you what happened when his brother was to get married.
First of all, MIL and BIL flew to a different state, with a luggage full of sarees and jewelries and an engagement ring, which she personally bought for this girl they have yet to meet. His brother didn’t even have to buy anything at all, everything taken care of by mother dearest. This would be my BIL’s wife and she told me she had no desire to get married then but our MIL kept begging and insisting. They didn’t even get a chance to speak to each other much or get to know each other to the extent my husband and I did before our engagement. Despite all that, MIL made sure she left the place with a promise ring on her finger, making her the promised bride for her son. You know why she did all this? BIL’s wife comes from a lot of money, keep in mind it’s new money because her father shot up from lower middle class to upper rich high class back home in the course of last 15 years. He now rubs shoulders with all the politicians and business tycoons. They all speak in village accents/dialects because no matter how rich you get it’s hard to shed off your mother tongue so easily but they act extreme high class and oh soooo snooty. Her father is in the real estate business and my hunch about their sudden change in wealth is of course bribery and corruption, especially in property owning/management which runs rampant in third world countries like Bangladesh. Keep in mind, my hunch is based on the stories BIL’s wife told me how her family wasn’t well of before, their typical new money behavior and I have few family members who know her father personally back home. Of course the sudden change in wealth brought on greedy hyenas like my MIL who went desperate for their daughter to marry her son because she had much to gain.
After everyone being introduced with each other and chit chatted for a bit, we were served dinner. This bitch had like three spoonful rice and just a fish after my mom, aunty and her MIL slaved away entire day cooking. Fucking cunt I tell you. After dinner him and I moved on to the family room to talk to each other, away from the elders. Of course weren’t just alone in the room, my siblings and cousins were also there watching tv. Meanwhile, my parents, his mom, my uncle-aunts and the matchmaker dickwad are in the formal living room. The reason I will never ever stop calling her a cunt is because this fucking asshole cunt dickwad bitch carefully and meticulously relayed this fucked up idea of me “being some kind of a community slut with six boyfriends and not good enough to marry” YET she purposely forgot to tell us that the potential groom’s mom has had an affair throughout her marriage and now she is a cousin-fucker and lives with both her current and ex-husband. I puke and gag in my mouth every time I describe my MIL. So at some point, I moved over to the living room to sit with them. At the same time though, I was texting him while he was in the other room. Mid-texting, I think his mom asked me something but because I was not paying attention to their conversation, I didn’t hear her. All I hear then was my mom saying “put your phone down!”. And you guys, you know when your parents say things against using your phone all the time and the reactionary kid in you comes out in you say “there is nothing wrong with phone Ma! I am just texting”. So my mom goes “his mom asked you a question”, of course I then apologize and speak to her. And she goes “ohh that’s okay, kids these days love their phones”. I forget what her question was but I answered well, spoke to her normally. There seemed to be nothing wrong with what just happened. You guys won’t believe it, lol after they left, in the car she told my husband “I didn’t like that girls attitude. She was rude and she rolled her eyes at me. You cannot marry her”. Lmao what the fuck bitch?! When the fuck and whyyyyy the fuck would I roll my eyes at the mother of the guy I wanna marry? You piece of trash bitch. He obviously told her off because it was a non-issue and at this point everyone could see she was making up shit.
Going on dates
Later at night, he reiterated that he would still like to get to know me and this is not her decision to make. And she needs to fucking deal with it because there was nothing wrong with me. The next day which was a Monday we had a full day date planned. He came over in the morning, had breakfast at my aunts and then we went off on our date. Lol we really did go out for ice-cream and of course dinner and he took me to some scenic places. We made plans to see each other again on Thursday but I made sure to ask him if it’s okay because my parents weren’t liking that I see him so much before an official engagement. My parents and my uncle-aunts kept telling me “don’t see him so much because his mom will twist it and say bad things about how we are letting you out with him all the time”. To my surprise he is like “oh don’t worry my mom could never say things like that, in fact she is the one who insisted I see you as much as I can, get to know you well and make a decision”. Lmao guess what guys?! She would encourage her son to see me and at the same time go and shit-talk me and my family to BIL’s wife. Things like “look at what kind of disgusting family she comes from, not only is she a shameless slut, so are her parents, they are obviously putting her up to no good, encouraging her to see my son so she can trap him” LOL! I found out all of his years later, after I got married to him. Apparently, BIL’s wife had asked her “does the girl's family know about your second marriage and are they okay with it?”. You know what her response was? “Of course they are more than okay with my marriage, in fact they are desperate for my son, the girl and her parents both”. Lol what the fuck you hoe? My parents were never okay!!! Till this day they are not. They are disgusted by you. I had to reason with my parents way too many times and finally use the “his parents are both dead” card. I had 3 other proposals at the time where the guys were 5x more educated and their family 10x richer than this two cent hoe.
Anyways, Thursday we meet up and likewise he had a full day planned. He came over in the morning, had breakfast at ours, and off we went. The reason I say this because he would come over spend time with my family, reassure them that he is only taking me away for few hours and will drop me off on time. So that night we were watching a movie when suddenly I get like 10 calls and texts from my aunt asking us to come home, that there is an emergency. So we drop the movie and get home asap. Turns out his mom noticed how well things were going for us and she got the matchmaker to relay a message to my parents. The message was “I am not ready to get my son engaged, why don’t they just long distance date for awhile and then we will see”. Her goal was to leave things as is and slowly convince him to end things with me while she persuades him to go on dates with other girls. My parents are fucking furious at this point. They are like “we are getting sick and tired of her bullshit and disrespect towards us. This is an arranged marriage, not arranged dating. So if you and your family cannot come to terms with marriage then we are ending it right here, because our daughter has plenty of proposals.”
They weren’t kidding, up on finding out I was here at my aunt’s place we had several people try to persuade us to see their cousins and brother and nephew or whatever. Meanwhile my uncle’s cousin, the same one who gave us the news about his mom’s second marriage also tried to persuade my parents to consider my husband’s cousin….yeah, his cousin. This would be cousin #4.2 - younger son of sister 4. They were like “instead of considering the guy with ill reputed mother, why don’t you consider his cousin? He comes from a good family and his parents are well known and respected. Lol, of course my parents immediately said no because they knew I would say no, I already liked this guy. And the other thing is, although this cousin of his is taller, fairer and “more handsome” which are all subjective (I think my husband is the best looking out of all his cousins but then that's my personal bias lol!). Either way I would have had zero interest in this cousin because he is a religious hypocrite. Second, he was a good for nothing living off his father’s money which is a big no no to me and my parents. My parents were like “no we came here for a purpose and if that doesn’t work out, then we will start to consider other guys with our daughter’s approval”.
Now back to that huge argument, my parents and my aunt were refusing to listen to me or him, meanwhile my uncle was the guy in between trying to resolve the issue. The plan initially was everything goes well between him and I, we are all to meet at his mom’s place on Saturday where a formal engagement would take place in front of friends and family. It’s Thursday night and this bitch already said too much and then to rub salt in the wound said there will still be dinner at her place on Saturday, just a family get together and we can discuss there when the engagement would take place eventually. Like fuck off please. Lmfao my family had enough of her shit already. So they were like “we are not coming Saturday, tell your mother we are calling everything off. We are really sorry son. We all really liked you but judging by the way your mom has disrespected our daughter and us over and over, nothing good will come out of this. Rather we are all just wasting our time”. Lol my poor husband was basically begging and pleading with my parents and my aunt, while my uncle was trying to get them all to see reason, to stew on it, to sleep on it and that maybe he can speak to his mom tonight to convince her. Of course, my husband is like “Don’t worry. I am gonna go home and fix this right now”. Before leaving he tells me that I need to be up early tomorrow (Friday), to wear a dress and that we are going somewhere far.
Fuck, of course right away I know he is gonna propose to me. And I am just so confused at this point. I like this guy a lot but his mom has caused so much ruckus that there is no way of knowing what’s gonna happen. I spoke to my best friends that night and even they were like you have the option to say no. If you feel this is too much, you can say no to him but that’s exactly what his mom wants. But if you like him and you can withstand all this bs from her, go ahead and say yes. So the next day my parents have calmed down a bit and he comes to get me early morning and off we go to a far away place. Anyways, in short he did propose to me with a beautiful ring. All I knew was it’d be rose gold but I had no idea what it looked like until then. It was exactly the ring I envisioned and apparently he noticed I saved that ring way too many times on my pinterest board more than any other rings so he knew that was the one. You guys remember what that bitch said about me forcing her son to buy an engagement ring? Yeah, nope that is definitely not what happened. Lol we decide that it’s best I don’t go home wearing the ring because we don’t know how my parents will react yet. But he had another fight with his mom the night before for disrespecting my parents and that he forced heshe decided to go on with the engagement plans on Saturday night. And that she should be calling today and apologizing. As far as I recall no apologies were made, instead my uncle called to speak to her and she acted as if nothing had happened on Thursday, that she didn’t say anything stupid and that the engagement is still happening Saturday.
Formal engagement at his mom’s house
And so Saturday comes and my family, my uncle-aunt and few of our distant relatives go to his mom’s place for the formal engagement. Once we reach there, we meet his brother and his wife for the first time who are very gracious and sweet to me. We meet his sister, fucking awkward as ever just standing by the staircase like a piece of furniture. I should have realized right then that the daughter was gonna take after her mother, obviously. While his brother’s wife came and chatted with me, I had to go up to his sister and make conversations with her as if she was the shy blushing bride. Also keep in mind his brother and wife has no relationship with his sister. They are not in speaking terms, in fact they ignore each other and doesn't stay in the same room. I did not pick up on this until much much later. Anyways, I remember that at some point in the night husband, I and my cousins were all in the garden and at some point BIL’s wife came up to us and asked us if we are hungry and if she should bring us some appetizers outside. Lol MIL runs out and shouts at her in front of all of us going “No they are not gonna eat now! They are gonna cut the cake. Why don’t you go find something else to do?!” What the fuck?! What a bitch. Meanwhile his sister disappeared, fucking awkward loser, she is probably upstairs being fucking weird. Keep in mind guys, if there is a family event like this, after your parents you are the host. If my brother or sister were to get married, my parents are the main host, but as his sister it is my duty to make sure the guests are well taken care of, like are they eating enough, should I serve more drinks? I am supposed to let my parents mingle with the guests while me and my other siblings are supposed to do all the work behind the scenes like clear up the dishes, serve more food etc. This bitch was nowhere to be seen and instead his brother’s wife was running around doing all that. Yes it’s her duty as well since she is the elder DIL but the responsibility first and foremost falls on the daughter of the household, which was her sister. Nope, she was busy being an fucking lampshade in some corner. Btw, she wore a shit ton of tacky bling as per usual and she was wearing gold, which made me and my entire family laugh. She dressed up as if it was her getting engaged with some tackyass red blinged out dress and gold necklace and earrings. Meanwhile, I'm just in a simple silk saree with statement earrings/kundan earrings
By the way, my husband’s aunts were there at the engagement - sister 3 and 4 came but sister 5 was no show of course. Keep in mind, sister 5 is the one who divulged the family secret and she absolutely hates my MIL’s guts, so she wasn’t gonna show up anyways. During the night at one point, sister 4 and her husband announced to the guests that on this blessed occasion they should let everyone know their younger son’s wedding has been fixed, as in cousin 4.2, the same one that was suggested to me earlier in the week by my uncle’s cousin. Of course they had no idea they have found a girl for him because this was the first time they announced the news. By the way, I had no idea then that the guy was suggested to my parents either, I found out after I got engaged. Apparently, my MIL asked to see cousin 4.2’s potential bride and her sister showed a pic on her phone. The girl is a hijabi just like the cousin wanted because he is religious too, or so “they act like it”. I never understood because he apparently used to be a fuckboy, slept with different girls every week. But I guess he had a sudden religious epiphany, decided to become religious but it’s all muddled with hypocrisy. Let me give you an example, although he has a beard, and his wife wears a hijab and they pray 5 times a day, the eat non-halal beef and chicken, islamic version of kosher, they just don’t eat pork. It’s like a vegetarian saying he/she is vegetarian but they eat eggs, fish and chicken, just no beef okay? Urgh I hate hypocrites like them, they pick and choose the part of the religion that benefits them and don’t follow the rest making up bullshit excuses about what they are doing is acceptable because it was hinted in “..” quote in some randomass book by some randomass fraud, not even in the holy book fyi. And then they go and preach Islam to people and ask people like me why we are atheists/agnostics lol, or talk shit behind our back because we are not "good muslims" and that we drink and wear sleeveless dresses and show my legs. Fuck people like that, and my MIL is one of them. Anyways, she took the phone and showed the pic to BIL’s wife and said something along the lines of “this is the kind of girl I wanted for my son, not her (pointing at me)” during our engagement night!!! Can you guys fucking believe it? Yeah she wants a modest and demure little bitch and I clearly whored myself to the entire world, says the cousin-fucker husband cheater. I mean, ughhhhhhhhhhh can you guys fucking believe it? Of course I found out later too because had I found out then she would have gotten bitch-slapped and I would have walked out.
Please humor me but how the hell on your right mind can you have two husband’s at the same time when polyandry is absolutely forbidden in Islam but you want a hijabi wife for your son who is an atheist? Like what part of your brain doesn’t seem to construe the fact that a girl who wears a hijab would never marry a guy born from you or let alone marry a guy who is an atheist, eats pork and drinks alcohol? Or what about the fact that THAT girl's parents - father with a neck beard and mother with hijab (more religious than my parents) would NEEEEEVER even in million years would give their daughter to you? My own parents refused to let me marry my husband on the basis his mom has a notoriously dirty character. So how on earth do you expect a modest, hijab wearing DIL when you and your own daughter are out whoring yourselves?
Anyways back to that night, my husband tells me that when he formally puts the ring on me, his mom will also give me a set of 6 bangles which belonged to his mummy. Turns out mummy made his mom promise her that on the day of his engagement, on her behalf she is to present the bride to be with these bangles (remember what I said up about bangles and engagements). So later during the engagement ceremony in front of everyone, instead of the six bangles, she brings out just one fat gold bracelet which belongs to her, not his mummy. It is a beautiful bracelet and I wasn’t offended by it. I accepted the gift with gratitude. But later I found out my husband was extremely hurt, because she didn’t give me what was promised by his mummy and he didn’t like that. She apparently kept aside the six bangles because she wasn’t ready to give it to me because she was not sure I am the one for him! She said some bs along the lines of “when you guys get married, I will give it to her that day”. Lol okay whatever, even back then I didn’t mind all these things. It was like through one ear and out the other. I was always hopeful in the end she would be a nicer person to me. Lol good God was I wrong?!
She then presents me with this ugly mint color dress which has both gold and silver beads in it, imaginesomething like this in mint green, with heavy embellishment of gold and silver. Now you guys, gold and silver bead work/embellishment is a huuuuuuuge fashion faux pas. Metallics like gold and silver can be combined in a very subtle and demure way but when it comes to South Asian outfits it ends up looking rrrrrrreally tacky because of the amount of embellishments. Shit like this is hella tacky, you see what I mean?!. Even then, I didn’t mind it, I’m like it’s cool I will find a way to make it work, I'm a pretty girl and it’s a gift, it's the thought that counts. Lmao my mom and my aunt got pissed seeing it though because it was so ugly lmfao. They tried to get my husband to find the gift receipt so they can exchange it for me. Of course, she didn’t bother putting a gift receipt in there. Because bitches like my MIL think her and her lampshade daughter’s choice is the best and that’s it. She didn’t even ask my husband for input when choosing this dress for me or bother to ask him what I like. Her and her daughter went and bought whatever tackyass shit they liked. This won’t be the first time she would do this shit with me trust me, there’s plenty more to come.
Traditionally, in occasions like engagement or wedding, you always gift cloths, groom's family gifts cloths to brides family and vice versa. Of course, my parents went and bought a beautiful green South Indian silk saree (which are esteemed as the best kind of sarees fyi, always silk!!) for my MIL, kinda like this. For his brother and father, we brought dress shirts. For his sister, I heard she is picky about clothes but likes makeup a lot so I bought a limited edition Lorac Mega Pro 2 and she gifted me the Vice 4 palette. For you makeup enthusiasts, you will understand what I mean and for the rest, we got each other limited edition eyeshadow palettes. Here is the thing, what I bought her at that time cost me $70 and I was in school, working part time. What she got me cost her $40 and she had a 90k annual salary. Keep in mind, because of me being the bride, my gift from her should not equal to or be less expensive than what I get her. Her gift to me as her brother’s fiancee should be much more than just a makeup palette. Which is exactly what his brother’s wife did, while I got her a set from Sephora, she got me 3 different makeup sets - an eyeshadow set, a lipstick set and something else because I was the special bride to be. Don’t think of it as I was offended at that time because of how his sisters gift was much much cheaper, I wasn't. I appreciate any makeup palette any day because I am a makeup hoarder. But it’s the principle right? Looking back these were the little things and ways his mom and his sister purposely devised to neglect me and disrespect my family.
LOL you guys wanna know what his mom got for my family?! She gave my parents a vase. A FUCKING GLASS VASE. Who the fuck gifts a glass vase to the bride-to-be’s parents? What the fuck is my parents going to do with a massive 5 lbs glass vase? Put it in their luggage and take it back to home? Do you guys realize how disrespectful it is? It’s like giving a pair of bamboo salad server to an expecting mother and her unborn child during baby shower. You are basically getting rid of some shit gift sitting in your storage for years. In South Asian weddings or pre-wedding ceremonies, you are always ALWAYS supposed to gift cloths. Oh as for my brother? This bitch got him a hoodie from Costco. Yeap. My family should have gotten all of them sweatshirts from Walmart. It’s one thing they cannot afford nice gifts, it’s another that they CAAAN afford nice gifts, they have done so already in two previous marriages in their family but the extent to which she went to, to give shit gifts to my family to belittle them is FUCKING INFURIATING. She didn’t even get anything for my uncle and aunt even though they were involved in every way, as much as my parents and that was another way of disrespecting my family. My husband’s brother and his wife was completely uninvolved up until the night of the engagement but even then we brought gifts for them and their kid, while on the other hand my Uncle and Aunt were there throughout the whole ordeal, even offered up their own place for the formal meet, went above and beyond to cater to that bitch and acted as the mediator the entire time. What his brother and wife is to their family, is what my mom’s sister and her husband is to us. She didn't even bother to get a little gift for them.
After the engagement, we are to fly back within the next 3 days. The plan was to decide on a date for the wedding before we leave. This bitch evaded every single chance and when it was brought up to her she would say things like “oh they just got engaged, let’s just celebrate that for now, we can discuss wedding when you guys return back to your country”. Anyways we fly back and thus begins our long distance engagement/courtship, whatever you guys like to call it.
The next part is going to be about the legal islamic marriage which is called nikah. I will post soon enough! In the meantime, enjoy my story, feel sorry for me or laugh at my misery and be entertained lol! And leave whatever burning questions you guys have, don’t hesitate! I will answer them all. I am working on Part 4 currently. Promise! <3
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2017.12.13 23:27 SociopathicInLaws My MIL is a Devil Incarnate Sociopath [Part 2]
I am back. Honestly, writing these things take me forever. Back when I was posting regularly on Reddit, things were happening as I was writing so there was sort of a momentum, y’know?! Now it’s like trying to write from my memory, and it’s taking a damn long time.
To new readers, make sure to read part 1, my stories will make sense then. .............
Alright so where do I start? Let’s just start with the fact that my husband and I both have had previous relationships. He had an asian fever lol throughout highschool and university, dated here and there. He never saw them as serious because he knew at the end of the day he would have to settle down with his mother’s choice - a modest and cute little wife from a good family/status/wealth just like every south asian parents expect. Believe me, my parents are no exception when it comes to my siblings and their potential wives. So of course after he turned 24, he asked his mother to start looking for a girl to her liking, but to his liking too!! My husband was a picky asshole. I looked at his criteria and the proposals he got, he would reject girls on the basis of “too fat”, "too skinny", “too ugly”, “too short”, “looks like an aunty”. Tbh though, I noticed a pattern and there came a time, my husband started getting really shitty proposals. And I have a feeling it’s because people discovered what his mother had done. I don't think anyone from any family regardless of race, culture or religion want their child to be married into such a mess of a family. He also had a shit luck with all the girls his mom kept choosing because all these girls would ever do is, ask him if he prays 5 times a day or if he eats halal. I guess his mom was looking for a certain type, not his type, but a certain meek and modest hijabi/religious little shit that she could show off to the world. And, this is probably not a stretch and someone on this subreddit previously mentioned it too, she wanted a meek, obedient DIL who would be too godfearing, respect thy elders type to call her out on her affair or shame her for what she had done to the family. Basically, my brother-in-law's wife. Till this day, she hasn't had the balls to confront our MIL because it is disrespectful but behind her back she hates her guts and talks shit every chance she gets. ………………….
I on the other hand, I grew up a very modest little girl but I was a rebel too. So you know how South Asian Muslim parents do not allow you to date. Yeah, well I never really did abide by that rule. But I did have my fair share of heartbreaks because unlike my husband, when I got into a relationship, I was seriously committed. I would think “yes he is the one, I am gonna groom him the way my parents would like the ‘picture perfect guy’ and then I will introduce him to them”. The first serious relationship, the guy came from the same culture and religion as me but a broken family - dad up n left mom and the kids to fend for themselves and found himself a new wife, new family. Later I discovered, he was cheating on me throughout the entirety of that relationship. He also had severe daddy issues, was emotionally abusive and looking back I do think he suffered from a lot of trauma. Of course after it ended, I consoled myself saying “it was a broken family, divorced parents, my family would never accept”. Lol, oh the irony!
Anyways, being cheated on, emotionally abused by exbf while dealing with my NParents who were all about family, honor, culture, modesty and dealing with physical abuse at home took a huge toll on my emotional health. Domestic violence, physical abuse and mental abuse is a very normal part of childhood for a lot of South Asian kids. I was obviously no exception. Despite all of this, I grew up in a way I always believed that I was very beautiful and smart. You see back then, I had no insecurities. I wasn’t a snooty pig who was full of herself, no, not at all. But I was very content with who I was and how I looked. And so, being cheated on was a huuuuuuge hit on my ego and boy did that damage me. Everything culminated, abuse from the guy, abuse from my parents. All of this resulted in years of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Keep in mind, while these things are going on, I was getting marriage proposals every week. I've been getting proposals from fuckin 16, it’s gross I know. I had an early growth spurt so I looked 20 at 16. So by the time I reached 21, with so many proposals, it got to my parents head that it’s time to get her married, she is too beautiful and beautiful girls shouldn’t stay unmarried for so long bla bla. Besides she’s been a mess lately with her life and school, the best way to solve this is a FUCKIN HUSBAND! LMAO!
Moving on from that I swore off any guy from my culture/religion. I was dealing with daily abuse from my parents for my refusal to get married. And believe me it wasn’t like “you bad bad girl!”. They were hurtful, manipulative and damaging things said to me like “You whore! You should die. You don’t deserve to live. You bring shame on us. You should be raped. You should just become a prostitute. See that girl that was honor killed by her father and brother. We should do that to you”. Yeah there was a time my parents weren’t the best parents, at all. I completely swore off marriage to any guy from my culture. And my parents did a great job encouraging me to do so. You see people, negative reinforcement never works when you want something from your child. I ended up getting into another serious relationship. I started seeing someone who was South Asian, born Catholic but an agnostic just like me. He was a very loving guy and he tried to help me out of my depression and suicidal thoughts. He encouraged me to stand up to my parents and defend myself. He encouraged me to get professional help and seek therapy. My parents hated that and they hated him! It was disastrous living with my parents. Home did not feel like home, it felt like coming to a prison everyday where I was ruthlessly mocked and abused. But being outside, I was loved and cared for. It was an almost 4 long years of tumultuous relationship while having to deal with my parents abuse and countless proposals. It ended really bad and he acted like a shithead in the end which shocked everyone. Later I learned he behaved that way because he saw how it was wearing me down having to choose between my family and him. And he didn’t want it to get to a point where I would choose him and leave my family forever. He apparently couldn’t bear to put me through that pain. Anyways, I was a mess, yet again, after it ended. This time I decided to go get actual medical help and I was of course diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ptsd all of that. I had to start medicating myself with several drugs and therapy.
Proposals are still coming by the way. Now, the people would bring these proposals were not actual matchmakers making a living out of this, no that shit is way too creepy and even my parents aren’t that desperate. These were so-and-so aunties who knew so-and-so’s son and thinks so-and-so’s daughter would be a great match. And they would throw random dinners and family events and make sure both parties are invited and introduce them. Then it’s up to the prospective families to take it from there. So my mother and I kept getting into huge, HUGE shouting matches over these proposals. To a point I remember one night mom called one of her matchmaker friend and cried to her and told her not to bring any more proposals. That her daughter will be a spinster and unmarried for life lol. Honestly, it wasn’t just my parents or my extended family, the enitre fucking community has just been waiting to see me get married. Apparently the aunts (the good ones) can’t wait to see me as a bride some day, how beautiful I'd be, wjat I would wear etc. The bad ones, whose daughter are already married are just wagging their tails and fingers and bragging about their daughter and how I am still not married. It’s a fucking competition people lol! It was like I had to prove it to the good ones and the bad ones that I am very much capable of finding a good Muslim and Bengali man.
I mean I try not to be an asshole and think from my parents perspective. They have a child and they want her to have a companion obviously, they don’t want her to be lonely. I get it. Then I think of the humiliation and shame they would receive from the community because of me marrying an outsider, worse being shunned from the community. To be mocked at and told “their daughter was beautiful and smart but look at the mess she has made herself to be, she is mentally ill, she married some infidel, tsk tsk this is an example of what you don’t want your child to be come”. The good well intentioned aunties and family friends would be like "why? How could this happen to our perfect little girl? Why wasn't she enough to find a good man?". Meanwhile, the bad aunties and the evil families would be like "YISSSSSS WE WIN! Now we can mock her everywhere we go". And believe me this has happened before over something as silly as me coloring my hair. So obviously, the prospective husband must be “muslim and bengali”, even better if he is a doctoengineelawyer, you get me. Then there is humiliation for having a daughter who is “so old, in her mid/late 20s but still unmarried”. Believe me, South Asian communities are toxic. People don’t want good things to happen to you. They always try to find some kind of flaw even if you are successful. And when you are not (in their eyes), oh gosh you just gave them so many reasons to make fun of you and your family. So likewise, my parents did not want me or them to become a sad example everyone will point at. Once I started to hit my mid-20s, they were open to me dating, clean innocent dating, the idea that I bring a good guy home and introduce him to them. They weren’t opposed to it, in fact they would rather I choose a good enough guy that they can approve of too. But he has to be muslim and south-asian which I just couldn’t give them because I didn’t want that.
So now that I kind of explained my husband and my background, I am gonna move on to how we met and how my MIL played a huge part lol. ………………….
This is after my mom’s epic crying session. I get yet another 5 proposals all in span of one week. Before I could even say no, my parents went ahead and gave out my number to the one they liked out of the five, my future husband. Meanwhile they are corresponding with the guy’s mother (future MIL) daily via email. My dad warns me that my number has been given out and if things go accordingly, the guy may contact me. I obviously sneer and snicker because like all the other 65 proposals or whatever from before, this too will fail because I will do my best to act like a psycho bitch. It doesn’t always work though, I’ve been SOL a few times because those fuckers saw through me or just thought “she’s pretty and speaks english well, i can overlook the batshit crazy”. Meanwhile, I am whinging and complaining to my friends about yet another proposal. And one of them, she is probably reading this too, kinda sorta convinces me to just for once consider the guy. I mean, how bad can he be? He could be a nice guy? He could be agnostic-atheist and eats pork and drinks alcohol like me? I mean, you never know right? Because my luck was just so shit at that time even the rebound guys were turning out to be fucking assholes. So why not be open to talking to other men?
Few days later, I get a text from the guy. So I am a little calm but still up to my psycho bitch antics, talking in riddles and acting all pompous. When I dished out jokes or references to nerdy things I liked, he got them all and he would dish it back unlike all the other previous fools. Turns out he was agonistic, a moderate drinker, an extreme bacon lover, a GOT, HP, LOTR and Pokemon nerd just like me. We clearly hit it off. And for once neither of us was “too fat, too short, too ugly” for each other lol. So things were going well, like really really well. It just so turns out he didn’t have a fobby accent which was a big deal breaker for me. In fact my husband sounded more white than a white boy, spoke english even more eloquently than I ever did. He did have a very white upbringing back in murrica and he had no south asian friends. I had to teach my husband bollywood. His white and asian friends have watched more bollywood movies and ate more Indian food than he ever has. So keep in mind, we are countries apart, bordering countries though. But things are going so well, we are both like “okayyyy this is the one”. So we both decide that we should let our parents know that we are definitely interested in each other and would like to make this thing official asap.
My parents are shocked for once. I think they were gonna check my temperature to see if I am okay or something because ….Me? Saying yes to a proposal? Saying yes to a guy? So meanwhile his mom would call every few days and talks about how beautiful I am and how I have long beautiful hair and what not. Then she told my mom this sob story about her poor precious daughter (DH’s older sister) being a divorcee and whether it would be an issue with our family. Of course my mom is earnest and she told her something along the lines of “divorce is so common, your daughter is like my daughter to me, I would never hold it against her or your family. And it has no bearing in the possibility of a marriage between my daughter and your son”. Then she went on to tell my parents the story of DH’s adoption, parents’ death and how he came back to her. Again, my parents reassured her it doesn’t affect us in any way and they even acknowledged that he had a very tragic childhood. My parents were actually impressed how honest and earnest she is being and giving us personal details about the family which not many people do. Of course, they have no idea then that this bitch is playing us by focusing on other things and completely hiding her affair and second marriage which is a deal breaker right off the bat. I mean you were careful enough to ask if your daughter’s divorce would be some sort of a hindrance to us, but you ever so nonchalantly forgot about your extramarital affair, divorce from the father of the groom, disownment and second marriage to a fucking cousin?! In arranged marriages like this, people always prioritize the father and mother’s character, siblings character comes second. You threw your daughter under the bus basically but totally “forgot” to talk about yourself huh?!
When things started to get serious between him and I, she started to inquire more about my family. There was one particular phone conversation she had with my mom and she kept inquiring about what sort of house we have back home. My mom of course tells her “We have empty lands but we never bothered to build any house or properties because we have no need for it. My kids don’t ever plan on going back home and living there. So it’s a waste of effort”. You see, having a huge house back home is a bragging rights and something to show off, even if you know your descendants have absolutely no plans going back there ever again. My parents are more realistic and logical and they are money smart. But of course, she is a gold digging bitch and I am pretty sure that was a deal breaker for her. After my mom said that, she went completely silent for a good minute and then she goes “ohhhh okay, well, I will talk to you another time!” and she hangs up. After this, her almost daily calls stop coming. My mom tells me and back then being naive and not knowing these people well enough I tell my mom to stop overthinking.
Few days later, my mom comes back to me and this time she literally looks like someone bitchslapped her. You see my mom’s younger sister lives a few hours from where my husband’s family lives. So my parents obviously asked her and her husband to look into this proposal and find out more information. Of course she came back with the info that “this family has lots of scandals, the potential groom’s mother has another husband back home, and that she has been disowned by her family.” My mom is freaking out and back then I am just so naive, I keep telling her “there is absolutely no such thing, it’s impossible to have this sort of scandals in a Muslim bengali family. It just can’t”. Still she kept insisting that she should tell my father and maybe they should discuss it further with my aunt and find out more info. You see, initially, when my parents wanted to find out more information about him and his family, I stopped them. I only allowed them to speak to my aunt and one of her friend who is close to us. I wouldn’t allow them to dig into family history because from my previous experience with proposals, a lot of people hid personal family secrets which we would discover by digging and that would be the end of that potential “marriage”. Of course back then I got lucky because I had no intention of being married. I obviously want to marry this guy now and here I am trying to damage control as much as I can. So in my naive little head I started to think these are baseless rumors because he comes from such a well-known political family, there is just no way something this scandalous could happen. Obviously they have so many enemies and people are just out to get them. So I forbade my mom to tell my dad because even the word “rumor” is enough to stop my dad in his track and he would toss this aside, and move on to the next proposal for me.
For the next few weeks, we forget about all this and things are still as amazing as ever, even better between me and the guy. We are talking every chance we get. He is always listening to me and paying attention. He keeps sending me gifts, not just randoms but things that I actually need because obviously he is paying attention. I mean, what a wonderful guy right? One night he calls me and he sounds extremely upset. What’s going on? Well, as it turns out, after that weird fucking phone call with my mom, his mom has been digging into my family history. She couldn’t find much. Everywhere she went people spoke well about my family and my parents. But, she found out that I apparently had six boyfriends. Lol what the fuck?! You see, my depression also hindered my undergrad schooling and I had taken some time off. At the time of the proposal with him, I was back in school finishing up. She used that against me as well saying "the reason she was late finishing school is because she was too busy with too many boyfriends and she was out whoring herself." Lol. Now till this day I am not sure if someone actually did make up those stuff about me or if this was her own doing, as in she cooked up a story herself abt six boyfriends because she didn’t want her son to marry me. I mean really six boyfriends? Who the fuck is counting? Also what is so wrong with having six boyfriends? I didn’t even have six boyfriends, I had 2 serious relationships, and the rest are all random dates that lasted 2 months. They are not considered boyfriends. I mean what was even more hilarious is that my husband too had girlfriends before. I believe he had been with five girls and she knew herself that son isn’t a celibate of some sorts. Her daughter? Not only did she have more than six boyfriends, she used to live with one of them during her undergrad and he was African American. And if you ask me, South Asian people have a long term aversion towards black people. This doesn’t just stem from racism towards the black but also years of brainwashing in Asia about dark skin being an example of ugliness. That’s why you will see beauty campaigns in all Asian countries that focus on making your skin fair and bright. Now forget having just a black boyfriend, this chick used to even live with him. That is literally forbidden x infinity in our culture and you would be immediately exiled from the community. And there’s a story that my MIL went to visit her daughter and this boyfriend of hers kicked my MIL out of their place. LOL I love hearing stories where she just keeps getting her ass handed to her! He used to even came over to my MIL’s house for dinner, helped them out a few times renovating the house and helped SIL move back home after her undergrad. All was obviously fucking well when your daughter is sleeping and living with other men. But BLASPHEMY when another’s daughter is in a relationship. Fucking bitch! And here is the best part. LITERALLY.THE.BEST.FUCKING.PART. Guess who else had a boyfriend? I mean how on earth do we forget the fact that she too had a boyfriend throughout the entirety of her marriage to my FIL? Oh, no? Cousin-fucking isn’t a problem in your book? Oh no? Extramarital affair is acceptable? But if a 20-something year old woman is dating another 20-something year old man which is what is expected of a normal fucking 20-something year olds, That’s a problem? Bitch you deserve a slow fucking excruciating death. And I pray every night that this is what happens to her - a slow disgusting miserable death with noone at her side.
So back to my DH (then potential fiancee) telling me that his mom discovered I had six...way too many boyfriends and that she has ordered him to end things with me. Of course I start crying and he assures me he didn’t call me to break up with me. In fact, he just had a huge fight with his mom because he said no. She has been trying to set him up with other girls all this time and he has gone above and beyond to turn everyone down because he wants to marry me. I think by then he has already bought my engagement ring which I had no idea what it looks like. All I know is that it’s something I would definitely like and he chose a particular ring I liked after studying my pinterest, I suppose. So while he is reassuring me, I am obviously still shocked by his mom’s behavior and I tell him “How can she take such a drastic decision after hearing baseless rumors about me? She didn’t even confirm them. She could have talked to me. And I find it appalling she could behave like this when we too heard of nasty disgusting stuff about your family and we passed it off as rumors right away, without even thinking twice”. He obviously asks me what rumors. And I tell him the things we heard. He goes completely quiet and then he says “everything you heard about my mom is true”. I feel like a cavity just opened beneath me and I fell into a fucking black home or something. My head was spinning and I think I was an inch away from having a nervous breakdown.
I mean that’s it. In my head, that’s the fucking end of it. My dad tosses proposals into the dump just from a whiff of a rumor and there is just noooo fucking away he would even consider marrying me into a family where the mom is hoeing herself. Who the fuck lives 6 months a year with one husband and another 6 months with another husband? You only hear about this in fables, folklores and polyandry in tribal culture. This is just unheard of in our modern society. This is absolutely forbidden in a muslim society. So I start crying even more and I am freaking the fuck out because I have no idea how to tell my mom that she was right, my aunt was right. Worse, I have no idea how I am gonna tell my father because right away he is gonna tell me to end things with him. I am freaking out and the entire night I cried. And he stayed up listening to me cry lol. So the next day I look like puffy the fish and I finally have the courage to sit them down and tell them the whole truth. My parents looked like a cavity just opened beneath them and they too fell into a black hole lmfao. So after they recover from the initial shock, they are like “holy shit what the fuck do we do?”. My mom is like “Fuck it, there is 3 other proposals for her and we can look into it right now. We are not doing this.”. To my surprise, my dad actually asks me “What do you want to do?”. I was not prepared for that question so I am like “What should I do? He’s been through so much as a child. I don’t know what I can do. When I end things with him, it’s going to hurt him a lot”. Notice I said when and not if because I was sure there is no if.
Again to my surprise, my dad tells me “I can tell you like him alot and he likes you too. There is no question about his character. He is a gem and I have yet to meet a boy like this. He has impressed all of us. But what his mom has done is despicable and unacceptable. Your mom and I think it’s best to end things right now. But this is your life and we want you to be able to make the decision. If you think, after what we all learned, you can still go ahead and marry him. Then we will support you but you have to prepare yourself for the worst. It does not end here. His mom has already made dirty allegations against you and developed a distaste towards you. If she is who she is turning out to be, she will continue her tyranny. And you also have to remember the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You have to keep your mouth shut and deal with this woman because it is your husband’s mother. There will be times he will even support his mom even if she is wrong because he knows her better than you, he will trust her words more than yours. Are you gonna be able to accept that and deal with that? If you think, it’s best to end it right now which we prefer as well then you already know you have our support.There’s three other proposals for you and will be more on the way. We won’t have any problems finding another guy for you”.
I am obviously a mess and not sure what to do. I spoke to three of my closest friends and it took me some time to recuperate. Of course in the end, I decided I want to be with him. After that initial fight, they got into another huge fight and he questioned the fact that she could make such nasty allegations towards me when she herself is now infamous for her cousin-boyfriend, affair and second marriage. This bitch, lol says her second marriage is nobody’s concern and it is her private matter. Lol okay then why is your daughter’s divorce our concern and not her private matter? Why are my “six boyfriends” your concern and not my private matter?. He then went on to ask her why she was okay and in fact content with the fact that he had 5 girlfriends and her daughter had 10 boyfriends but she can’t seem to get over rumors about me that has yet to be proven by anyone. She obviously shut the fuck up then. He assured me that after the huge fight he has convinced his mom and although she does not approve, she will put up with it for the sake of his happiness, that she will learn to accept me.
What he did not tell me and I discovered this later, while this was happening she was consistently sending him emails of new proposals. Of girls who come from rich family, like extreme wealth, girls who are doctors and lawyers. None of these girls were his type, they were from both ends of the extremes. According to him, they were either ugly, stubby, religious fanatic girls or ugly, stubby, sorority girls known for partying and sleeping around. My MIL of course overlooked that because all that mattered to he was money. She told my husband I am a slut after seeing a picture of me wearing a sleeveless midi dress holding a champagne glass. Yet he she was sending pictures of proposals and picture of girls wearing sleeveless tops and bootyshorts. Mind you, her own daughter wears the same things too but that’s no problem. My husband would then go ahead and find pictures of these girls in their bikinis, all over men in sorority-fraternity parties, chugging beer or better yet picture of them with their current boyfriends which by the way he hated doing because he is seriously against slut shaming and nosing around other people’s private business. But he had to prove her a point. So he would then send send these pictures to her and question her how she has the audacity to call me a slut but think these girls are acceptable and marriageable materials? I am always gonna remember this because it’s so fucking laughable. This idiot finally gave up, she completely averted his questions and sent him a reply saying ”You haven’t even married her and she already brainwashed you. You have already turned against your mother. I will never ever forget how you have disrespected me and it is because of that whore”
When she could not try anything to budge him, she started to use the excuse that I am not well educated and I don't deserve to be his wife. My husband then pointed out that she was her own daughter's one and only cheerleader when she decided to be a housewife upon learning her husband's father is super rich, and back then her husband didn't even finish his degree. Why was she okay with it then? Or what about the fact that his brother's wife was brought from back home with a degree from private university, the kind you pay money to get a certificate and then she moved to USA and has been a housewife ever since. Or what about the fact that every single one of his cousins wives are homemakers? So when she had no excuse for this, she asked why was my schooling delayed. My husband was honest and told her because she took time off to deal with her depression and anxiety. She went on to question why I even have depression. From what he understood from me, he told her that my parents were abusive during childhood and it had a very negative impact. She kept saying "no it's because she had 6 boyfriends that's why she has depression, you need to break up with her". Again he basically told her to STFU or else she will lose a son. I mean are you fucking forreal? Wait a fucking minute!!! Weren't you the piece of shit who used depression as an excuse to fuck your cousin? Yeah that's right. I remember all your stories. You told the entire world that you suffer from depression (without a diagnosis) and that you need to marry your cousin because he is your only cure. Or how about the fact that you enable your daughter into being a little petty bitch and pretty much give her whatever the fuck she wants because she apparently has depression (without a diagnosis) from divorce trauma? You even go as far as allow her to sleep with random men, men who have wives, men who have money because apparently she is suffering. But god forbid someone else has any mental illness, someone who actually had a medical diagnosis and not self-diagnosing like you lot of twats. Oh no shame shame!
So all of this is happening but we have no idea because my husband didn’t tell me. I only discovered these conversations like two months ago. Anyways, we are now preparing to go meet him and his family after he reassured us. My parents are still a bit hesitant but I keep telling them “His mom is over it. He convinced her. Let’s just meet him and his family and if we don’t like him we don’t have to get engaged/married. We can end it right there but let’s just meet them once”. You know traditionally speaking, the guy and his family is supposed to come to us. It does not look good on the girl or her family to go to the guy to get engaged or married. It makes them look desperate but she was trying to make sure that is exactly what happens so later she can talk shit. It’s customary in all Muslim and even Hindu culture, it’s just this idea that the guy has to come and take the girl away. We even have movie names that indicate this, lol look up Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge
and it’s meaning. And so she forced us to go to them by giving some sob excuse that she can’t travel out of the country because she has to take care of her husband. Like bitch what the fuck game are you playing….we know he is your ex husband. The next time she gave us yet another dumbass excuse saying he is so ill he can’t travel and if an engagement happens he needs to be present because he is the groom’s father after all. I mean no one can say no to it but we all know she is manipulative and this is her emotional ploy.
The other issue here is engagement, in our culture doesn’t really exist. Nowadays engagement does happen but a Nikah (Islamic marriage) is followed within a few weeks to a month after the formal ring exchange. There is no logical grounds for a long period after engagement because a courtship is not allowed in Islam. So if a proposal is fixed, it should right away move forward to the next step which is Nikah. And a Nikah should always take place in a mosque, if not then it has to take place in the bride’s home - bride signs the papers beforehand, and remains at home with her maternal family
. My parents were against engagement because it is looked down upon, it suggests courtship and tarnishes the bride’s character. In the event if an engagement breaks (which albeit is easier to break than a marriage), the girl is considered untouchable and not fit to marry again. The guy on the other hand...lol the men always have it fucking easy, don’t they? The other reason my parents were against it because we would be living apart, countries apart, after the engagement and there is not much of a guarantee when the actual marriage/nikkah would happen because his mom was refusing to hear the word marriage. She kept saying “we will see” and my parents had a feeling somehow she would use this time to convince her son to end things between us. And that would be the end of me.
So my parents kept suggesting nikah and she would not hear it, she used excuses one after another, saying things against me like “your daughter isn’t done school, she is not fit for marriage”. Then she said “my son doesn’t know your daughter well enough to marry him”. Now that is a very logical reasoning but it’s ludicrous coming from her because of how quickly she got her daughter married up on learning the potential groom’s father earns 700k annually. When my husband,his brother and one of the older cousin opposed it and asked to see the sister, she fabricated a story of her daughter “threatening suicide because she is in love with him”. This was all within two weeks of my SIL and her ex-husband talking. Btw, I am referring to her first marriage which resulted in a divorce. To my knowledge, she is not married to the current babydaddy. In fact she is probably the other woman
. I will tell you guys about my SIL and her story in the upcoming parts. After my dad insisted several times to go ahead with a Nikah, she hung up on him and then told my husband that “that girl is not only a slut but her dad is rude and disrespectful, he disrespected me, you can’t marry her”. Here we go again, she felt disrespected that my dad insisted on marriage. This is a fucking arranged MARRIAGE, that’s what everyone calls it. It’s not an arranged engagement fucking bitch. Why is your head so far up your ass that you stopped seeing daylight and common sense?! She threw a huge fucking tantrum calling my dad rude. She went to my husband and made up stories about how my dad was rude to her and they should just end it. Again she fucking failed because my husband wouldn’t hear it.
I tell my parents and at this point they realize she is playing every possible game to thwart a potential marriage between him and I. But still after all that, they prioritized my happiness and put up with her drama. Regardless of all these troubles, we still fly out to USA. I mean we tried to see the bright side, if the nikah or even the eengagement doesn’t happen, we will make a vacation out of it. We do have plenty of family members here and we are actually used to traveling here every holidays even before I met my husband. Worst case scenario, this would just be another vacation to us. Btw, you know who revealed all the scandalous family secrets to my aunt? MIL’s Sister #5 (main perpetrator) and #4 ( 5's little bitch). You see my uncle’s cousin is the matchmaker for Cousin #5’ (Sis #5’s son) His pre-wedding ceremony even happened in this said cousins house. So think how close they are and it wasn’t just word of mouth, they are actually close family friends. So when my aunt called my mom, she wasn’t bullshitting. You can imagine how much she has done to piss of all her sisters that they would even go as far as out their sister and all her dirty family scandals to the entire world. I think what pissed me off and made me hate them is that, they could do whatever they want against my MIL, but why are these bitches out to get my husband? I mean trying to stop his marriage from happening? He is a fucking orphan for fucks sake after losing both his parents. Which I know they disagree with because both his biological parents are alive, but even then they know how tragic his childhood was. What the fuck kinda aunts are these? Honestly, my MIL and her sisters are all cut from the same cloth. What the fuck was I expecting? Bitches will always be bitches I suppose.
This is becoming a long read, so I am going to put engagement and nikah in Part 3. Don’t worry I have started writing it already so it should come in the next 2 days.
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2017.11.29 13:32 FinnagainsAwake America is Running Out of Muslim Clerics - That’s Dangerous - By Sally H. Jacobs (Politico) 26 Nov 2017
Abu Marwan’s job has gotten a lot harder since Donald Trump took office. The president of the Masjid Al-Rahma outside San Diego, Marwan has relied on volunteers to serve as imam of the rapidly growing mosque ever since it opened in a strip mall several years ago. But these days, when he turns to those same volunteers, they always have something else to do. Marwan says it’s because they’re afraid of violence against Muslims, which has been on the rise since the 2016 election. As he puts it, “They always say they’re busy, busy. The truth is they just don’t want to do it right now.”
Bringing in an imam from overseas has been just as difficult. Marwan invited one from Egypt to come for the holy month of Ramadan this past June, but the religious leader was unable to get a visa. And so, these days, instead of a regular imam at Masjid Al-Rahma, there is a changing cast of volunteers, students and borrowed imams—and sometimes no one at all—to read prayers to the 300 strong congregation. “Every Friday it is a nightmare to fill in the gap,” says Marwan. “Sometimes I have to call hundreds of people and still I can not find someone. It’s very stressful.”
It’s also potentially dangerous, Marwan says. He worries that some mosque members, with no imam to guide them, could soon turn elsewhere for direction, with possibly radical consequences. Imams serve as prayer leaders at their mosques, but they also act as religious guides and community leaders. Young people, Marwan says, “have no good place to go without an imam. They go to the internet or Google and they can end up somewhere very bad. A good imam is the best answer to any evil thing.”
A shortage of imams is not a new challenge for America’s mushrooming Muslim population: More than half of the country’s estimated 2,500 mosques lack a full time imam. But the people trying to fill those slots say that Trump’s efforts to impose an immigration ban on Muslim-majority nations together with rising incidents of Islamophobia have worsened the deficit. It’s the kind of problem that members of the Muslim community as well as terrorism experts warn could contribute to a rise in extremism. “A strong leader who provides a sense of structure and what is right and wrong offers certainty,” says Sarah Lyons-Padilla, a researcher at Stanford University who studies terrorists’ motivations. “So when you remove leaders, like an imam, then you’re basically introducing more uncertainty into an already troubled domain.”
The imam shortage was particularly obvious during Ramadan this year. Many American mosques traditionally invite a classically trained imam from overseas to assist U.S. mosque leaders with prayers during the holy month; in the past around 200 foreign imams have traveled to the United States for the holiday. But in 2017, the number was down to just 15, says Omar Shahin, a board member of the North American Imam’s Federation who serves as a matchmaker for mosques looking for imams.
Trump’s travel ban against Muslim majority countries is part of the problem, Shahin says. Although the ban does not impact Egypt and Saudi Arabia, the two countries that have traditionally sent the majority of foreign imams to the U.S., the order has made imams more reluctant to risk the trip, for fear they might end up detained. There were also cases of imams willing to travel to the U.S. who found it more difficult under the Trump administration to enter the country, according to immigration lawyers and Muslim leaders. Some were denied visas; others who had visas couldn’t make it out of the airport.
And then there’s the Islamophobia—perhaps the biggest reason imams have been reluctant to travel to the United States. In the first half of this year, 85 acts of violence were brought against U.S. mosques, ranging from firebombing to graffiti, compared to 59 such acts during the same period last year, according to the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR). In August, an explosive device was tossed into a popular Minnesota mosque shortly after dawn. It’s target? The imam’s office.
“All of this scares people from working as an imam,” says Shahin, who is also a fellow at the Graduate Theological Foundation in Indiana. “Who wants to be in the middle of all of these problems, or if your coming from overseas, turned back home at the airport?”
As second generation Muslims in the U.S. seek to adapt their faith to American culture, many in the Muslim community say it’s more important than ever to have leaders who can not just each the faith—but who can teach it correctly. “If people don’t have knowledge about Islam from the right source they wind up going to an extreme, whether it is to the right or the left,” says Shahin. “That is a dangerous thing for everybody.” That’s pretty much what one Florida imam told the New York Times after Uzbeki trucker Sayfullo Saipov drove into a Manhattan bike path last month, killing eight people. Saipov, said the imam, “did not learn the religion properly. That’s the main disease in the Muslim community.” As America’s Muslim population has grown from 2.3 million a decade ago to a current high of 3.3, according to the Pew Research Center, the number of imams in the country has struggled to keep pace. In 2013, about 43 percent of U.S. mosques employed a full-time paid imam, while about one third made do with a volunteer imam, according to a study commissioned by the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA) and the North American Islamic Trust.
Part of the reason for the shortage, says Ihsan Bagby, the study’s author and a professor of Islamic Studies at the University of Kentucky, is that there aren’t enough American imams to go around. Increasingly, America’s Muslims, many of whom were born in the United States, want imams trained in U.S. ways and culture, rather than those versed in the more formal ways practiced overseas and who sometimes do not speak English. But there are very few schools in the U.S. that can provide the necessary training. While efforts are under way in a dozen U.S. cities to develop seminaries to prepare homegrown American imams and chaplains, Bagby thinks the Trump era is likely to slow progress. “The big challenge on everyone’s mind now,” he says, “is that the imam’s position is just not a particularly desirable one.”
Bagby is also concerned that current controversial political issues such as the travel ban will divert energy and funds from school development. For example, the Boston Islamic Seminary plans to open a graduate school in 2019 that would prepare imams and chaplains. Fundraising continues, but lately money has been going to other causes, such as defense against Islamophobia. “We are struggling with a lot of competing issues,” says Salma Kazmi, the seminary’s executive director. One of them being that “people are very sensitive to how they are treated as Muslims by the Trump administration.”
Without a robust U.S. training operation, the vast majority of full time imams in American mosques are either trained or born overseas. (The percentage was more than 90 percent in 2013, according to the ISNA study, and Bagby and others estimate that it hasn’t changed much in the past four years.) Most of these visiting imams enter the U.S. with a R1 visa for temporary religious workers; the visas are often good for up to five years, but most imams remain only for a few months. In an effort to stem fraudulent applications for such visas, the number of R1s issued during the Obama era declined significantly from 10,061 in 2008 to 2,771 in 2009. In the following years, though, the number rose steadily and in 2016 the government issued a total of 4,764 R1s.
It is unclear whether or by how much those numbers have dropped during the Trump administration, as statistics for fiscal year 2017 will not be available until next year, says a U.S. State Department spokesman. But judging by the experience of several U.S. mosques this past Ramadan, foreign imams are finding it harder to enter the country in the Trump era.
For the past two years, the Islamic Society of New Hampshire, which meets in a makeshift mosque above a hair salon in a mini-mall, has invited a London prayer leader to preside over Ramadan. This June, the leader was able to get a visa but was detained in the Boston airport for six hours before he was allowed to come into the United States. Mohammed Ewiess, mosque president, says the imam won’t be returning. “When he left, I said, ‘See you next year,’” says Ewiess. “But he said no, he didn’t think so. What we will do now, I don’t know.”
Several U.S. Muslim leaders told me stories of foreign imams who managed to get visas, but never made it out of the U.S. airport in which they landed. No sooner did they step foot on American soil than they were sent back home by federal authorities citing unspecified “security reasons.” In one case, an imam coming to the U.S. from Egypt with a visa was detained in the St. Louis airport for several hours before being sent back home, according to two Muslim leaders involved in the case. In a couple of other cases, mosque leaders declined to provide details saying they were concerned about political consequences.
Imam Muhammad Musri, president of the Islamic Society of Central Florida, which has 10 member mosques, says that this spring one of his mosques invited an imam from Canada rather than the Middle East as it usually does during Ramadan to avoid problems. But at the last minute, that imam too was refused a visa. (A spokesman for the U.S. State Department declined to comment, saying the agency does not keep a record of the denials of applications for R-1 visas.) “Now, imams overseas are saying they don’t want to come,” Musri adds. “They don’t want to be humiliated at the airport, or to be turned around. Even if they have a visa, they don’t want to bother. So a lot of mosques aren’t even asking anymore.”
For Muslim leaders, the aggravated imam shortage is partly an inconvenience that has them scrambling on Friday mornings. But many are alarmed that the larger consequence of a lack of stable leadership in the mosque will push Muslim Americans—especially young ones—towards radicalization. Absent a spiritual leader, and specifically one versed in American ways, they may turn to roaming the internet just as many ISIS converts have been known to do.
To be sure, that fear has yet to materialize. So far this year the number of cases of ISIS-related terrorism in the U.S. has declined by about one third, according to the U.S. Department of Justice reports. Experts attribute the decline largely to counterterrorism efforts at home and the disruption of ISIS’s organization abroad.
Lorenzo Vidino, director of George Washington University’s Program on Extremism, questions whether the imam shortage would lead to violence. He says that extremists rarely spring from a mosque community, but are more often lone wolves or Muslim converts with little understanding of the Islamic faith. While some imams may have dissuaded a few potential terrorists, Vidino adds, it is difficult to prove. “I think it’s a bit of a simplistic narrative to say that imams serve as a bulwark against radicalization,” says Vidino. “No one denies that an imam might do that, but it’s very hard to prove. It’s like proving a negative. How would anyone know if an incident hadn’t occurred?”
Plus, some violent extremists attended mosques where imams were present before they strayed to violence, indicating that such leadership is not always a sufficient deterrent. The Boston Marathon bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, for example, attended the Prospect Street mosque in Cambridge, Massachusetts, before he stopped attending in 2012, one year before the attack. So, too, Syed Farook, one of the shooters in the San Bernardino massacre, was a devout Muslim who attended mosque regularly until he stopped shortly before the assault.
But in both of those cases, the perpetrators were individuals who felt disconnected from American cultural life. And some experts believe that the imam shortage could exacerbate that alienation, resulting in further radicalization.
Sarah Lyons-Padilla, the Stanford researcher, says that Muslims who feel discriminated against or who experience a lack of meaning in their lives are more inclined embrace extreme ideologies in an effort to find meaning. The absence of imams resulting from harassment or immigration restrictions, she believes, could easily contribute to those feelings. “Simply put, Islamophobia is a reminder that you don’t belong,” says Lyons-Padilla, author of a Behavioral Science & Policy article called, “Belonging Nowhere: Marginalization and Radicalization Risk among Muslim Immigrants.” “To the extent that the imam shortage is perceived as an act of discrimination through the visa approval process, or another consequence of Islamophobia, that could lead to support for extremism down the road,” she says.
There’s another huge potential downside: The nation’s Muslim community has been highly cooperative with law enforcement; nearly half the tips on potential extremists come from other Muslims, according to one former State Department official. Some feel that fewer imams—as well as the general perception within the Muslim community that its leaders are being discriminated against—could mean a decline in communications with law enforcement and interfaith groups including other religious institutions like churches and synagogues.
Yussuf Abdi, the imam of Salt Lake City’s Madina Masjid Islamic Center, says he encountered just that kind of discrimination earlier this summer when he tried to return to his home in the U.S. from Kenya where he was collecting his wife and children. Abdi, a U.S. citizen, was barred from his flight in June after federal authorities apparently placed him on a no-fly list, and he was unable to preside over Ramadan services back home. Only after his attorneys filed a lawsuit were Abdi and his family able to return to the U.S. “It is very clear that the Trump administration is using these watch lists to exclude Muslims. We call it extra-judicial exile,” says Gadeir Abbas, an attorney for CAIR who is handling the case. “It is very common that the individuals who are being barred have leadership roles in the Muslim community, like imams or teachers. The community is very aware of this discrimination by the federal government.”
The community is also very aware of increased violence against Muslims and mosques since Trump and his incendiary rhetoric—“I think Islam hates us,” he said in March 2016—joined the campaign trail in 2015.
The Masjid Al-Salaam in Lynn, Massachusetts, has been without an imam for most of the five years its been around. The mosque, which operates out of a former shoe factory, has been presided over by a series of local volunteers. But now that the mosque’s membership has grown to over 200, its leaders are getting ready to start looking for an imam, and security is a prime concern.
So far, they updated cameras on the property, and added additional lighting. At one recent event, they hired a police officer. And Fawaz Abusharkh, the mosque’s spokesperson, is preparing for what he calls “the conversation,” which he expects he’ll be having with any prospective imams. “It’s the conversation you don’t really want to have, but these days you have to,” sighs Abusharkh. “It’s about security and how you are going to keep that imam safe. These days, it’s a pretty crucial aspect of the job.”
But security is also expensive, and mosques already have enough trouble trying to find the money to hire a full time imam. The Islamic Society of New Hampshire, for example, collects $100 from 30 regular members every month to contribute towards an “imam salary fund.” But every month, president Ewiess worries that they won’t come up with enough. Ewiess, the father of two teenage boys, thinks imams are crucial to the Muslim experience in America. “An imam is someone people listen to and do not argue with, a figure of respect,” said Ewiess. “I am for having an imam in every mosque. It’s safer.”
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2017.09.18 07:10 AutoModerator Weekly Roundup
News roundup for the previous week. In International news
In Domestic news
- #Denmark to help build wind farm off the coast of China: Denmark is home to the world’s largest offshore wind farm developer DONG Energy and to wind turbine maker Vestas Wind Systems, which co-owns one of the leading offshore wind turbine makers, MHI Vestas, with Japan’s Mitsubishi Heavy Industries
- US Open 2017: Wu Yibing wins boys' singles and doubles title, says Chinese tennis is on the rise
- 'There Will Be No New Korean War': What Putin Knows That Western Pundits Don't
- China's Belt and Road Initiative to Help #Tunisian Economy Revive From Slowdown: Tunisian Foreign Minister Khemaies Jhinaoui, during an official visit in July, said that Tunisia fully supports the Belt and Road Initiative, and stands ready to be involved in the projects under the initiative
- Chinese, African scientists meet in #Kenya to spur green agenda: Dozens of Chinese and African scientists attended the high-level conference on climate and ecosystems under the aegis of South-South cooperation
- More ports join #Malaysia-China alliance: Five more ports in Malaysia and China are set to join the alliance of such facilities between the two countries, bringing the total number in the partnership to 21. Liow said that Malaysia aspired to be the logistics hub for the South-East Asia region
- Greece benefits from bilateral cooperation with China: PM
- Olympic champions China enjoyed an International Volleyball Federation (#FIVB) Women's World Grand Champions Cup procession after finishing the tournament with an unbeaten record
- Cargo train services launched between Yinchuan, #Tehran: "The train takes more than 20 days less than transporting by ship, and is expected to greatly lower our delivery costs," said Liang Hua, whose company is in charge of the operation
- Nationals embrace foreigners returning 'home': Overseas athletes of Chinese ancestry have made their debut at the National Games as China expands its talent search for future Olympians. Administration of Sport will work to help overseas athletes to become eligible to represent China internationally
- #Thailand signs deals with Chinese state firms for high-speed railway: Construction of the first phase of the project, a 250-km rail line that will link the Thai capital, Bangkok, and the northeastern province of Nakhon Ratchasima, will begin in October
- China backs Burma's efforts to 'safeguard stability' as pressure mounts over Rohingya Muslim crisis
- Chinese 'chuckle at Trump for messing up picture-perfect America': State media "the American Dream is quickly becoming the American Pipe Dream" (lol)
- Steve Bannon went to Hong Kong for his first big post-White House speech and sounded surprisingly nice to China
- Beijing urges parties to stay 'cool-headed' over Korea issue
- ‘Fresh N. Korea sanctions reflect influence of Russia and China’
- #Mexico's government said it has inked a deal with Alibaba Group Holding Ltd , to get Mexican products and services, especially from small- and medium-sized firms, onto the top Chinese e-commerce firm's platform
- #UK and Chinese researchers will work together on five projects to develop the "next generation" of offshore renewable energy technologies. The projects would, among other things, demonstrate the potential of ORE technologies to provide island and coastal communities with a stable power supply
- China donates another 1,200 tons of rice to South Sudan as emergency food aid to alleviate hunger there. The donation is part of 8,800 tonnes of rice pledged by China in April to help war-torn South Sudan nation fight severe food shortage.
- Trump says UN North Korea sanctions are 'not a big deal': "We don't threaten China, even a little bit, with country sanctions because that would be difficult, politically," to do, said Rep. Brad Sherman, a California Democrat
- A total of 253 deals worth about 186.05 billion yuan (around 28 billion U.S. dollars) had been signed so far at the third China-#Arab States Expo in northwest China's Ningxia Hui Autonomous Region
- China and Germany strengthen on graduate #employability: China came in fifth, with 15.1% of respondents choosing the country. However, more than a fifth of recruiters (20.1%) specialising in engineering said Chinese graduates were among the most employable – third, following only the US and Germany
- China vows to strengthen cooperation with #ASEAN in health sector
- China, ROK agree to increase media cooperation: Leaders of almost 30 major media organizations from China and the Republic of #Korea (ROK) gathered in Beijing to discuss the media's role in boosting bilateral ties
- China has created 1.8 million jobs across #LatinAmerica and the #Caribbean through trade, investments and infrastructure projects over the last two decades, according to an International Labour Organization (ILO) report
- Xi calls for global cooperation against desertification
- China and Russia Warn the U.S. Not to Seek North Korean Regime Change
- Myanmar's women seek refuge in China through marriage
- #Nepal says committed to major projects under China’s Belt and Road Initiative: minister Krishna Bahadur Mahara expressed the conviction that Nepal’s development needs and aspirations will be prioritised and given their due place under the BRI
- Chinese investments in #Russia grow as ties get closer: Last year saw a 12 percent growth in Chinese direct investment in Russia. Particular attention will be given to Russian-Chinese projects especially under the Belt & Road Initiative and the projects of the Eurasian Economic Union
- #Zambia awards Chinese firm $1.2 billion road expansion project: linking Zambia to the Democratic Republic of Congo and southern African neighbors. The project, one of the biggest in Zambia’s history, is expected to create more than 3,000 jobs during the construction phase, Lungu said
- China investments transforming #Malaysia: In manufacturing, Malaysia has become the world’s third largest solar cell manufacturer – after mainland China and Taiwan. It has also become a glass exporter – instead of importer – after China firms poured in billions into the sector last year
- China used research mission to test route through #Canada’s Northwest Passage: From Shanghai to New York, the traditional route that passes through the Panama Canal is 10,500 nautical miles, while the route that passes through the Northwest Passage is 8,600 nautical miles, which saves 7 days of time
- US should ‘do its duty’ to resolve North Korea nuclear crisis
- Over 1,300 delegates Attend 22nd UNWTO General Assembly in Chengdu, China
- EU, Canada, China try to isolate US ahead of Bonn climate talks
- China's Senkaku incursions are the new normal: Chinese government ships have frequently entered territorial waters near the islands and in the adjacent contiguous zone. Last year, a Chinese military vessel entered the zone. Later the same year, a flotilla of over 200 Chinese fishing boats
- Qiu Yuanping, director of the #OverseasChinese Affairs Office of the State Council called for overseas Chinese media to advocate for and spread the spirit of the Belt and Road Initiative. Representatives from 430 Chinese media outlets based in more than 60 countries and regions attended the forum
- European business joins China in pushing $28bn #Thai Canal: The canal would bypass the narrow, piracy-prone and strategically sensitive Strait of Malacca. The distance saved for ships would be at least 1,200km, or up to three days' sailing time
- Washington should switch from threats to dialogue on North Korea – Chinese envoy to US
- China to finance Bangladesh’s mega ICT projects
- #Israel and China have signed a $300 million trade agreement meant to boost the export of Israeli environmental-friendly energy and agricultural technologies to China, Israel’s Finance Ministry said
- China's big money trumps U.S. influence in #Cambodia: accounted for nearly 36 percent of $732 million listed in bilateral aid for 2016 - nearly four times as much as from the United States. China provided nearly 30 percent of investment capital in Cambodia last year - more than Cambodians themselves
- Chinese Foreign Minister Wang Yi in Panama to open new embassy
- Zhang Ke Awarded 2017 Alvar Aalto Medal
- Interview: Panama can be strategic point to bring Belt-Road Initiative to Latin America
- Chinese and #Serbian presidents as "political brothers"
- US Sanctions Continue to Backfire: China Opens $10 Billion Credit Line for Iran
- North Korea problem cannot be solved without Russia, China – German FM
- China pledges aid for Rohingya refugees in Bangladesh
In SciTech news
- ‘My job is to clean up the environment. China really wants to do that’ Environmental lawyer James Thornton says China’s ‘ecological civilisation’ concept is the best response to the world’s environmental crisis
- Some 43 third-tier cities in China, mainly in Shandong, Henan, Guangdong, Anhui and Hebei provinces, have received approval to develop subway lines in the future, driven by economic development and urbanization efforts
- China Announces That It Will Cover Nearly A Quarter Of The Country In Forest By 2020
- Electric dreams: China looks to end gas and diesel engines
- After Disputed Matches, China Disbands National Boxing Team
- China wants to talk its people into marriage and out of divorce
- Meet Viking Wong – jiu-jitsu black belt trying to toughen up Hong Kong Police Force: Police in China are not like here. If they want to do something they’re going to do it and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. In Hong Kong, police reluctant to hit anyone because they have to write a report
- Russian-Chinese university opens its doors in Shenzhen
- China’s targeted poverty alleviation programs yielding tangible results
- Returning the favour: ‘China’s Nobels’ reward world-class researchers bringing top talent home. Beijing has encouraged Chinese scientists overseas to return to the mainland, offering job and research opportunities to elite talent
- China aims to build over 40 world-class universities in new higher education funding program
- Beijing's 1st maglev line to start service late 2017
- A massive gas field was recently discovered in northern China's #Shanxi Province with estimated reserves of over 500 billion cubic meters
- New technology in China turns desert into land rich with crops
- Why China tennis teen Wu Yibing has what it takes to make a Li Na-style impact - The 17-year-old US Open junior champion has all the goods to make it to the top on and off the court, say those in the know
- Hong Kong Democrat Arrested For Fake Abduction Claim
- #NBA legend Kobe Bryant has joined forces with NBA China and Mission Hills to set up the country’s first NBA Basketball School as well as an “interactive experience and store” in Haikou
- China Games could go long way in growth of #NHL. The Los Angeles Kings and Vancouver Canucks depart Sunday for two of the biggest cities on Earth: Shanghai, home to 34 million in the metro area, and Beijing, home to 24.9 million in the metro area
In Economic news
- China building world’s biggest quantum research facility
- The world’s first secure #quantumcommunication line in China has passed technical inspection and is able to operate. The secure quantum communication line spans more than 2,000 kilometers, linking the four cities of Beijing, Jinan, Hefei, and Shanghai
- China Aims To Build #ArtificialIntelligence Industry By 2030: Goldman Sachs. Outlining China’s major strides in the AI segment, the analysts note that China has the second-biggest AI ecosystem, next only to the U.S.
- First impressions of US$500 Mi Mix 2, Xiaomi’s ‘iPhone 8 killer’
- Imitator To Innovator: How China Could Soon Be The World's Tech Leader
- China’s ‘physics-defying’ #EmDrive could allow journey to Mars in weeks: Developed by scientist Dr Chen Yue at the China Academy of Space Technology (CAST), it would put China’s space agency ahead of NASA
- Two distant #hypervelocity stars discovered by Chinese astronomers: Hypervelocity stars (HVSs) are rare objects with velocities so great that they exceed the escape velocity of the galaxy
- A #quantum leap by China: From the creation of a crude (but effective) quantum supercomputer, to the development of a truly “unhackable” messaging service, and a successful quantum satellite experiment, it is no surprise that global scientists are paying close attention to what China does next
- China Reportedly Has a Secure Quantum Communication Network
- Chinese scientists have now developed a lightweight power generator based on carbon nanotube fibers suitable to convert even the energy of flowing blood in blood vessels into electricity. Wearable electronics become thus a very interesting option for FFNG application
- China Developing Solid Fuel Rocket Launchable From New Y-20 Transport Plane: experts at the China Academy of Launch Vehicle Technology are developing a new solid fuel rocket which could be launched by the Yun-20 in flight, sending a 100-kg load into near-earth orbit
- People's Daily,China on Twitter: "China's first cargo spacecraft, Tianzhou-1, separated from Tiangong-2 space lab at 4:15 p.m. on Sunday
In Military news
- Hot pepper industry helps county out of poverty in Hunan
- #Google is hiring AI talent from China even though it’s still blocked in the country: The hiring push from Google comes as Chinese firms increasingly expand their talent acquisition strategies to include the U.S., and Silicon Valley in particular, to suck up the finest engineers on the planet
- China’s Shift to City-Led Growth: China has been working to shift from a manufacturing-led growth model fueled by low-cost labor to an innovation-led, higher-value-added model underpinned by strong productivity gains. Urbanization will be critical to this shift, not least by economies of scale
- China takes hard line on soft cheese imports
- China to U.S.: Please stop sending us your junk...trade war begins
- China to spend over $1 trillion on planes over next 20 years: #Boeing “China’s fleet size is expected to grow at a pace well above the world average, and almost 20 percent of global new airplane demand will be from airlines based in China,”
- About 14% People Carry No #Cash in China: Report. Another 26 percent consumers carry less than 100 yuan and about 74 percent said they can survive for over one month with only 100 yuan cash in their pocket, the report said
- Rising Tide: Small Businesses May Profit Most From China's Ambitious Belt And Road Projects
- Steve Bannon, ideologue of economic war with China, says the way China runs its economy is brilliant. Bannon gave a big thumbs-up to Chinese president Xi Jinping, who he said is "extraordinary” and a “man of wisdom”. “There isn’t a world leader he [Trump] respects more than the President of China”
- Burgeoning Guangzhou is No Longer Living in the Shadow of Beijing and Shanghai
- China becoming more of an influence on world economy
- China's carmakers develop an appetite for foreign markets
- JPMorgan: China's reforms are actually kicking in
- Going cash free: why China is light years ahead in the online payment revolution
- 'Colossal Opportunity' As China Signs $300 Million Deal To Buy Israel Lab Meat
- Beijing's Elderly Population Gets to Grips with #Mobile Money: Regarding various age groups, findings showed that over half the respondents older than 65 utilized mobile payments every day to purchase things, send and receive digital gift money, pay utility expenses and use shared bikes
- China Shows Capital Controls Might Be a Good Idea After All: A crackdown on capital outflows played a key role in halting the yuan’s slump last year
- Petrodollar end looming as China and allies dump it in oil trading - Jim Rogers
- China's Startup Revolution
- #Hyundai’s Chinese Sales Plummet With Missile Crisis: Chinese buyers are shunning the automaker because of political tensions over a missile-defense system, with sales plunging 64 percent in the aftermath
- 'A US trade war with China will end US monopoly on global financial system’ – Jim Rogers
- Now made in China: caviar and premium steak
- Overseas education no longer a sure route to success in China
- Gold, Oil and De-Dollarization? Russia and China’s Extensive Gold Reserves, China Yuan Oil Market
- #Venezuela published the price of its oil and fuel in Chinese currency in what it called an effort to free the socialist-run country from the “tyranny of the dollar,”
- Is China leaping past us? Beijing has achieved the scientific and technological feats that herald its arrival as an innovation superpower. These “Sputnik Moments” extend across multiple industries, from communications technology to renewable energy
- China, Pakistan Air Forces Hold 6th Joint Training in China
- China's stealth fighter may be getting a new #engine: Images that just surfaced online show a new-built J-20 with stealthy WS-10 turbofan engines. In addition to the gains in stealth, the WS-10X may be enough power to allow the J-20 to engage in low supersonic supercruise at Mach 1-1.2 speeds
- China, #Pakistan air forces launch joint training exercise: China has dispatched J-11 fighters, JH-7 fighter-bombers, KJ-200 AWACS aircraft and ground forces including surface-to-air missile and radar troops
- Next Stop for the Steve Bannon Insurgency: China. “We have to reassert ourselves as the real Asian power: economically, militarily, culturally, politically.”
- Gai - "One Hundred And Eight" (Heroes of the Water Margin) - Chinese hip-hop
- Group wedding in traditional wedding gowns
- Washington DC’s role behind the scenes in Hollywood goes deeper than you think
- Chinese Education System Emphasizes "Non-exceptionalism", no one is exceptional, everyone must work hard to succeed, Equality starts early (American Exceptionalism creates continuous casual racism that disadvantage students over time)
- Desert land shrinks in China
- Thoughts on this Caspian Report on the Chinese Mindset?
- Amazon Orders New Drama About SF Chinatown's Historic Tong Wars to be Directed By Wong Kar-Wai
- 別哭了 - Julia Wu 吳卓源
- 二十二 in theater in US. Go watch it.
- 南方周末 · 穿汉服的年轻人：“你不穿出去，谁知道这是汉服？”
- Chinese College Students Invent Smart Helmet for Blind People
- Opinions on Wang Qishan?
- World Bank - Dongying, China: Growing Forests in Saline Soil
- The first men to walk the Great Wall of China
- China Art Museum in Shanghai
- Chongqing Contemporary Art museum
- Is Hollywood #racist? Fresh Off The Boat executive producer says yes: It's very hard for me to say 'poor white males'. I'm not discounting how they feel, but, it's very hard for me to relate to the plight of the Caucasian male in America. I feel like the last 300 years has been pretty good to them
- The Big Picture: Shaolin survival
- South China Sea: CCTV reporter debates with American expert on the arbitration case
- The 'Makers' of Modern China: New generation of inventors let imagination fly (RT Documentary)
- 728 million Chinese lifted out of poverty under CPC leadership
- Lin Dan - Born to Win (MV)
- Alibaba CEO Jack Ma shows you how tech events are done
- Remembering the Korean War to prevent fresh conflict
- Kra Canal Project Revisited As Part Of China’s Maritime Silk Road
- [Trailer] TIENTSIN MYSTIC 河神 (iQIYI Web drama)
- Possible increase in China-Mexico relations
- Aerial view of China's first Mars simulation base
- Elderly Chinese Man Carrying His Wife Across Flooded Street is Most Definitely True Love
- What are the pros and cons of immigrating to China or at least visiting China in the long term?
- Another untold chapter in Chinese American history: Tyrus Wong, Disney's "Bambi" artist
- Steve Bannon takes a trip down memory lane in #HongKong: “People are so engaged with their work, this hustle and bustle – it’s unique. There is nowhere else in the world you have this ... Every time I come back I realise how much I miss it.”
- Tientsin Mystic - AvenueX's Drama Recommendation
- I love how the Western Media constantly warns of China stoking Nationalism among its population and not going through with any of its grandiose claims. And yet....
- #Tencent in deal to bring Chinese online comics to North American readers: Those include Fox Spirit Matchmaker, a supernatural romance novel that was Tencent AC’s most popular title in June
- Chinese PLA Aerobatic Team Prepare for Air Show at China Int’l Helicopter Expo
- HU SAYS Bannon's pivot on China a good example for the US
- When China invented ketchup in 300BC, and how it morphed from a preserved fish sauce to sweet tomato gloop
- China's huge panda-shaped solar farm
- SNH48 - Shooting Stars: Capturing the Human Side of China’s Pop Idols
- The gay Chinese farmer and his cutting edge art
- China’s ‘Belt and Road Initiative’ strengthens interconnectivity
- Fan Bing Bing and Li Chen officially engaged
- “China: Confidence on the Rise” with Lloyd C. Blankfein
- The Russia-China plan for North Korea: stability, connectivity - thankfully totally free of bullshittin' Nikki Haley and her ilk
- Orthodox Churches, Unorthodox Histories in China’s Far Northeast
- Jack Ma does Michael Jackson dance for Alibaba's 18th birthday
- The Hell Canyon Massacre was a massacre where thirty four Chinese goldminers were ambushed and murdered in May 1887. In 2005, the area was renamed Chinese Massacre Cove, and a memorial was placed there in 2012.
- Why is it alright when the U.S. does it and wrong when others do it?
- Xiaomi trolling Apple
- How Facebook Censored My Political Speech. Forget China, the Internet police are already here in U.S.
- The 1,400-year-old Ginkgo tree in the city of Xi’an, central China’s Shaanxi Province
- Xinjiang People's Armed Police
- LOL Trump has ended all anti-China China-destabilization aid money for Dalai Lama and Tibetan exiles :)
- Do Chinese citizens trust their government? The top answer is excellent.
- Chinese Landscapes at the Met: If Those Mountains Could Talk
- NBA legend Kobe Bryant on how #BruceLee’s Jeet Kune Do philosophy inspired ‘Mamba Mentality’: In 2010, The Black Mamba decided to redesign his Nike Kobe Zoom V shoe in honour of the man he adores so much. “I really looked up to him and felt it was important to do a Bruce Lee tribute shoe,”
- 108 robots perform Chinese Kung Fu
- Why Do Westerners have a Poor Impression of the Chinese Military?
- The dystopian vision that Westerners have about China is pretty backward
- Third party review of why China purposely tries to look weaker than it is so as not to incite international backlash until it's too late (sun tzu), and why the US portrays China as weak so as not to lead to populist instability in the US.
- Watch: PLA’s Three Services Honor Guard performs for their parents
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2017.09.14 06:12 Loser777 My Attempt to Explain Why I Enjoy SC:R
Reading DeMuslim's tweet about the hype being gone in SC:R was probably the most jarring experience I've had on this sub/tl/any_starcraft_forum.net. I thought most pros would appreciate (likely more than any others) why a community of people would be excited about the release of a remastered version of Brood War. Instead the way he refers to SC:R makes it sound like Just Another Game competing with SC2 for viewers.
(In case people claim I never gave SC2 a chance: I played SC2 on and off from 2010 to roughly August of last year, peaking at maybe 100 games/week for about 3 months until I stopped playing last year.)
So I'll list the reasons why I (kind of) like SC:R, and the reasons why I (actually) like SC:R while discussing the actual reasons in more detail.
- Some pros coming out of the woodwork for SC:R (kind of)
- Some renewed foreign interest (kind of)
- Better graphics (kind of)
- Matchmaking (actually)
- Return of classic mechanics (actually)
People are complaining about how the matchmaking is currently glitchy/laggy games etc. However, from the perspective of someone who used to play scrublord D ICCUP games with no easy way to jump through all the hoops to get Fish server working, the difference between what you used to have to do to get a 1v1 ladder game and what happens now is immense. Download maps, install a launcher, hope your network is properly port-forwarded, make a one vs. one game, hope Anti-Hack is on and working for both players, hope your game results actually log afterwards, and so on. People can argue about clunkiness of the interface, but I don't think making 10 games and wasting 10 minutes before a reasonable non-laggy opponent joined is considered by most to be part of the game experience. There was also the whole ocean of ethics issues including but not limited to ladder incest, Korean dodging, win trading, ... The new matchmaking system basically alleviates most of these.
But the real reason I enjoy SC:R is the clunky interface. It just makes the game that much more satisfying to play. Whenever you get something right (your whole army moves together instead of one control group being left behind). Not floating 1k minerals 10 minutes into a game. Realizing that you're not a full two minutes late with what units you're supposed to have. Actually getting utility out of your spellcasters. Those are all immensely satisfying sensations for people who enjoy the game for what it is--something that requires practice.
It is probably the closest thing to the automatic vs. manual transmission debate that exists in car culture. Automatics (DCTs) can get better gas mileage, shift more quickly, require less effort to use--just like how the SC2 engine automates (and do better) so many of the tasks that SC:R requires you to tediously perform. But that same automation, I believe, for many people, takes away from the satisfaction of playing the game. For me it's a question of the baseline level of enjoyment of the game. If you can have fun just doing things in the game without worrying about winning or losing, then all of a sudden being cheesed/losing a frustrating game feels less bad.
I think Ret basically alludes to the same thing during the remastered launch event: https://clips.twitch.tv/PolishedSpinelessHyenaDoritosChip
Consider people who really enjoy rhythm games: often times there is no multiplayer, strategy (from an RTS perspective) is limited--the game is literally just mechanics. For me personally, what I enjoy about SC:R is that it has the innate satisfaction of a rhythm game, but also the depth of a strategy game.
 Day talks about this in the 3rd episode of Let's Learn StarCraft: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8GgbfPoltk
Epilogue: I owe a lot to SC2. I am a much better Brood War player than I was before SC2 came out, and the simplicity and ease of the SC2 ladder system had a huge role in that. Even though people comment on the separation of the skillsets of BW and SC2 all the time, being better at one game will very likely make you better at the other. SC2 allowed me to learn an RTS game at the same time the rest of the world did, and broke many of my most limiting misconceptions about how RTS worked in the process.
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2017.06.09 17:22 Flowerslegaladvice [Florida/Texas] Man I rejected won't stop texting me and sending me flowers
Background: I moved from Florida to Texas last year. I was raised in a Muslim community where "arranged" marriages are common. By "arranged" it's usually arranged by friends and family, i.e. a man or woman tells their friends that they're looking to get married and they try to play matchmaker for them.
I'm not religious and I have no interest in getting married this way. I was honestly never even a part of the Muslim "community" , but I do have a few friends who are actively involved in the community and I used to occasionally go to their events, but not regularly at all.
A few months ago I got a text from a random Florida number. A man, we will call him Mo, introduced himself, said he was new to Florida (from a city hours away from where I grew up), and that he grew up in Palestine. He said he saw my picture on Facebook and asked around about me. He was able to get my number from someone and wanted to reach out to me because he liked me. He linked my to his Facebook and LinkedIn to "prove" that he was "legit". We had no mutual Facebook friends.
I straight up told him "I'm not interested at all, sorry. I left Florida a year ago and I'm not looking for this type of marriage. Also who gave you my number?"
He never answered about who gave him my number but instead just started going on about how I should give him a chance, and started sending me pictures of himself, and talking about how he could give me a good life. It was incredibly creepy, and I told him "please do not contact me again. I am not interested".
Over the next week I received dozens of random messages from him like "hey" "hey" "hey how are you?" "Hey, can I just ask you something ?" "Hey can I call you?" To which I responded to none. Eventually I realized I could block his phone number on my iPhone and I did. I thought it was the end of it. I also blocked him on Facebook.
A couple of weeks later I got a call from the leasing office at my apartment building, that I had a flower delivery. The delivery didn't specify the apartment number, so it was just given to the front office. I was surprised because I couldn't think of who would send me flowers. Sure enough, it was Mo, with a card that said "give me a chance to show you how happy I can make you".
I was incredibly freaked out because I had no idea how he could've known where I lived. I told my best friend about it and we figured that whoever gave him my number must have also helped him figure out where I lived. My apartment complex the previous month had asked its residents to make a post to instagram with their hashtag for a chance to win a few free months of rent so I had done that. I quickly deleted any post that indicated where I lived( my instagram is otherwise private) and deleted my Facebook account entirely.
Another couple of weeks passes and yesterday I got another call from my leasing office that I had a flower delivery. And yup, again from Mo, this time with a note that says "I don't understand why you won't answer my calls or texts. Please just give me a chance". I told the office manager that if this company tries to deliver flowers for me again to please not accept them.
My friend suggested to me that I unblock his phone number to see what kind of messages he's been sending me, since he would still be able to send messages even though he's blocked. I unblocked his number, and within the next hour I started receiving his messages again. The messages were like "[my name], please answer me. I sent you flowers again." "Fine bitch, I was just trying to kill some time but clearly you're nuts" "sorry I didn't mean that" "I'm not giving up on you". "I want to come visit you" "please answer me".
I need advice on what steps to take to stop this harassment. I literally have never met this guy, and have no idea how he found my number. I don't know if I should threaten to call the police, or just go directly to them. I am moving out of my apartment in august when my lease ends, and I don't plan to tell anyone where my new apartment is. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.
Edit to add: I contacted some of my Muslim friends in Florida and none of them know who the hell this guy is.
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2016.12.13 00:39 greatliftsgreatstory A review of the ISNA matrimonial service(s)
Hello, some people were asking what the ISNA matrimonial banquet and services were like, so I thought I'd share my thoughts.
Basically, ISNA (Islamic Society of North America) holds 'matrimonial banquets' where they try to introduce marriage-minded muslims and hope things work between them. They have a couple of smaller regional ones held through out the year, and a large one held at the annual ISNA conference. I've been a regional ones twice before, and to the larger one twice.
In general, the format and program remains the consistent between events. It tends to be a 'speed dating' (matchmaking?) style event, with two different types of formats:
The first format is where the girls sit down at individual tables with a little glass of water, and the guys then stand up and circle between tables. People are broken up into groups by age, ie something like under 25, ~25-35, and 35+. At the bigger conference it's a little more fine grained, ie under 23, 23-27, 27-33, etc. Generally, they try to match girls/guys in the same age range, so you won't have a 40 year old man talking to a 20 yr old girl. However, sometimes they have a smaller turnout than expected, or people get mixed up when switching tables, so you get a mismatch. Before the speed dating starts, they give you a form to fill out that lists your basic information (name, age, marital status, occupation, hobbies, etc.) so you have something to talk about.
The second format is also a speed dating event, but people sit in a round table with mixed girls and guys. Again, people are broken up into groups, to avoid age mismatches. The table is usually given a topic to discuss about, like "how much should each spouse contribute to the household" or such. Usually what ends up happening is that everybody goes around in a circle, introduces themselves, and then they talk a little bit at the topic at hand. Sometimes, they mix it up where they have people discuss the topic at the table first, then they ring a bell, and you discuss it with the person who is sitting next to you only.
In both formats, sitting at each table is timed to roughly 3-5 minutes. They usually ring a little bell and announce on the mic that it's time for the guys to move onto the next table. FWIW, you usually feel really rushed, and don't have much time to talk to a potential beyond basic formalities. After the 'speed dating' part of the evening finishes, the floor is usually opened up for dinner and 'free mixing'. They encourage you to approach any person you met and speak more to them, and if you're shy to approach the organizers and have them do it for you.
About the people: the crowd tends to be dressed up in formal-wear, and people are generally marriage minded. However, there is a definite air of cynicism that pervades the air, especially among the girls (I'm speaking from a man's perspective). I would say that the younger girls (say, 25 and under) are usually there because their parents are forcing them, and are not actually ready to get married, nor do they expect to realistically meet a potential from such an event. The older crowd (say, 33+) are more open minded, and are keen on meeting a potential. However, there are a lot more women than men in this age group, and sadly they mostly flock to the younger girls (who are often dismissive of their advances). The free mixing portion often devolves to the best looking girls just sitting at a table, and individual guys lining up in a queue waiting for their chance at impressing her. The rest of the girls stare at these guys dismissively, and curse the male species under their breath, or something like that.
Does anyone get married via these events? I'm not sure. But, FWIW I met a girl at one of these events and we almost got married. However, turns out that our families were friends from before, we just were unaware of each others presence.
Ultimately, I think the matrimonial service is just another avenue to meet marriage minded people. If you keep an open mind and aren't super dismissive of the crowd and situation you might even meet someone you're compatible with. Would I go again? Sure, but hopefully I'm married by then iA!
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2016.07.17 20:35 F1re_At_W1ll To All: How Applicable Is This Qur'anic Verse To You?
The following verse appears in the Qur'an: "And whoever turns away from My(God) remembrance - indeed, he will have a depressed life, and We will gather him on the Day of Resurrection blind." 20-124
A very weird choice of a verse to discuss as opposed to other choices that involve Historical or moral discussions. This verse describes the psychological state of certain demographic. There are two parts of this verse, The people whom the verse describes, and the condition of the life they are promised (The third part describes their punishment in the hereafter, but that won't be discussed here). Let's investigate the implications of this verse more deeply.
First, a "depressed" life, which appears in the Arabic text as "Thankah, which could means tight or desperate. Some Tafsirs associate this to the punishment in the grave, but others associate it with this life. The latter seems to be the majority, and is the most intuitive. Also this verse doesn't seem to be related to a certain event, so it would be a good idea to take it literally as general life guide. What causes despair is irrelevant in the context of this verse; It could be sickness, loss, hunger, lack of money, lack of company , or any insignificant reason. Regardless of how happy you may look to others, you will always have this hole of despair as claimed in the Tafsirs.
Next, let's look at the people whom this verse applies to. "Whoever turns away from my remembrance...". The use of "Whoever" means that there will be no exception to anyone who turns away (It has the same purpose in the Arabic transcript too), while "turning away" could refer to either sinning, disobeying, or refusal to believe or accept the message of God or Islam in particular. So who fits the category of "Turns away from remembrance"? For the sake of making it simple, I will only mention the categories that intentionally turns away from Allah (swt). -Atheists: They definitely fit the description. So every atheist, according to the verse, is depressed. -Ex-Muslims: I would say that they are the above atheists in the matchmaking. -Other religions who heard the message of Islam and ignored it or refused to accept it. -Muslims who commit sins. Maybe I'm missing others, but those feels like all of them.
So the questions I'm asking everyone: 1. Does this verse apply to you? 2. From your observation of your friends, families, strangers. Do you think the verse applies to them? 3. Based on your answers above, would you use this verse as evidence for or against the Qur'an as a divine book?
My owns observations tells me to answer "No" to the first two, and inconclusive to the third.
Few notes to make: -The verse doesn't promise faithful Muslims happiness in their life. In fact, Muslims are promised hardships in their life in multiple verses. So you can't use this in your arguments.
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2015.10.24 02:14 alwayzsuspicious Chinese Interracial Mainland
While data from the PRC’s Ministry of Civil Affairs indicates that the number of couples registering a Chinese-foreign marriage in mainland China was almost ten times greater in 2010 than in 1979, the figures for registered Chinese-foreign marriages are still relatively small compared to couples registered in a domestic marriage. The data also suggests that most Chinese-foreign marriages are intra-national rather than international in character. An article published by Elaine Jeffreys and Wang Pan, ‘Chinese-foreign Marriage in Mainland China’, in the University Nottingham’s China Policy Institute Blog notes that “the most common type of Chinese-foreign marriage registered in mainland China until the late 2000s was between a mainland Chinese woman and a man from Hong Kong, Macao or Taiwan.” Source
Despite these marriages being classified as "Chinese-foreign marriages", the above data suggests that they are intracultural, rather than, international in nature. In his article The rise of international marriage and divorce in contemporary Korea, Professor Doo-Sub Kim (2010) gives weight to this observation by highlighting the surge in cross-border marriages registered in South Korea between Chinese and South Korean nationals. Between 1990 and 2005, there was an increase of over 35,000 cross-border marriages registered in South Korea, with China becoming the main sending country for such marriages by the mid-1990s. The majority of these marriages are between Korean men and Chinese ethnic Korean women from China’s northern provinces of Heilongjiang, Jilin and Liaoning.
Most Chinese-foreign marriages are intra-national rather than international in character.
Fewer than 8,500 couples registered a Chinese-foreign marriage in mainland China in 1979. That figure climbed to a peak of nearly 79,000 couples in 2001 and decreased to just over 49,000 couples in 2010. These figures are small when compared to the total number of marriages registered in China; over 8 million couples registered a domestic marriage in 2001. Chinese-foreign marriages therefore accounted for only 1 per cent of the registered marriages in mainland China in 2001, when those marriages peaked. Source
Chinese–foreign marriages registered in mainland China are typically ‘cross-border’ rather than international. The PRC’s marriage registration regulations divide Chinese-foreign marriages into three different categories:
marriage between PRC citizens (中国公民) residing in mainland China (内地居民) and Overseas Chinese (华侨), i.e., Chinese citizens who reside in another country
marriage between citizens of mainland China and citizens of Hong Kong, Macao and Taiwan, i.e., territories that the PRC government claims as part of China, but which have separate legal jurisdictions; and
marriage between citizens of mainland China and foreign nationals (外国人, literally people from another country), which may include former PRC citizens who have acquired foreign citizenship (外籍华人).
The most common type of Chinese-foreign marriage registered in mainland China until the late 2000s was between a mainland Chinese woman and a man from Hong Kong, Macao or Taiwan
The ‘intracultural’, as opposed to ‘international’, nature of Chinese-foreign marriage is further suggested by data from the Republic of Korea and Australia. Doo-Sub Kim (2010) shows that the number of cross-border marriages registered in South Korea increased from around 5,000 marriages in 1990 to over 40,000 in 2005, with China becoming the main sending country for such marriages by the mid-1990s. Kim does not specify what is meant by the category China and hence whether Chinese spouses could include people from Hong Kong and Macao. However, the majority (over 73 per cent) of the cross-border marriages registered between South Korean and Chinese citizens are marriages between Korean men and Chinese ethnic Korean women from China’s northern provinces of Heilongjiang, Jilin and Liaoning (Kim 2010: 134–5). Data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics (1994–2011) show that in Australia, of the 6,324 marriage registrations in 2011 that involved a spouse born in mainland China, 60 per cent were between two people born in mainland China
Data made available by the Ministry of Civil Affairs of the People’s Republic of China (PRC) on the number of Chinese-foreign marriages (涉外婚姻) registered in mainland China between 1979 and 2010 suggest three key points: Chinese-foreign marriage is a recent and small phenomenon; most mainland Chinese marrying this way are women; and most marriages are cross-border, or intra-Asian, rather than international.
Foreign marriages is a miniscule percentage of marriages in China. About half of "foreign" marriages is to citizens from Hong Kong, Macau, Taiwan and Overseas Chinese. The remainder then needs to take into account ex-citizen PRC Chinese and intracultural marriages, like Koreans marrying ethnic Koreans in China. Finally, foreign marriages peaked back in 2001 and levels as recent as 2010 are far lower.
CHINESE UNDERGRADUATE WOMEN’S PERSPECTIVES ON INTERETHNIC DATING Source
Sihong (Julia) Wang
A Thesis Presented to the Department of Sociology In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirement for the Degree of Bachelor of Arts with Honors
While all participants share the same ethnic heritage, their dating preferences varied based on cultural upbringing. The dating preferences of Chinese women were strongly shaped by ethnicity: they were mainly attracted to Chinese men. In contrast, Chinese-American women were more open to dating across ethnicity.
A high percentage of women who grew up in the United States were more open to interethnic dating and a high percentage of women raised in China would only consider dating a Chinese-(American) man.
Overall, I found that culture and family were the two most influential factors in my participants’ dating lives. Whether the women themselves cared about sharing a common language or celebrating the holidays together with their boyfriends, the significance of the Chinese culture was passed on from their parents’ generation and helped shape their identities. If nothing else, my participants stated that respect for their ethnic heritage was expected of a significant other. Twenty out of twenty-four women stated that they celebrated Chinese holidays, and most of these participants singled out Chinese New Year.
Several women brought up prejudice against particular ethnicities. Of all twenty-four interviews, fifteen women noted that their parents and/or grandparents would disapprove of an African American boyfriend. In addition, respondents mentioned objections to other ethnicities (n=5 for Hispanics, n=4 for Indians, n=1 for Muslims).
Rachel (China, CA) said, “Most Chinese do not like black [people] in terms of dating, but sometimes I think black people are actually attractive, [although] I may not consider dating them.”
Overwhelmingly, the women raised in China who were mainly attracted to Chinese-(American) men seemed to prioritize their family’s desires above their own.
Based on the responses I received from these women raised in China, it was fairly clear that they were more comfortable dating within their ethnicity and preferred to be with someone that shared similar values and traditions.
The responses I received from my participants generally supported my hypotheses. Overall, the Chinese-(American) women who grew up in the United States were more open to dating interethnically whereas those who were raised in China stated a preference for Chinese-(American) men. There were exceptions, but those women shared experiences that differed in one way or another from the common responses I received. I hoped to focus my thesis around cultural homophily and believed that individuals would prefer to date others that shared similar cultural beliefs, traditions, practices, and values rather than simply choose intimate partners based on race or ethnicity. This proved to be true for women who grew up in the United States, but culture and ethnicity are too closely related in China. Several women emphasized that the Chinese traditions, values, and beliefs are built into the ethnic identity. They are what make a Chinese individual Chinese. Therefore, women raised in China who stated that they were mainly attracted to Chinese- (American) men for cultural reasons essentially preferred to date them because they shared a common ethnic background. I found that respect for Chinese culture seemed to be important to my participants across the board whether or not they chose to participate in ethnic festivities or held traditional values. Family influence was one of the leading considerations for my participants, and often made the difference in dating practices, particularly for women who were raised in China.
It was interesting to note that no woman raised in China stated that they were mostly attracted to non-Chinese-(Americans).
Dating preferences of Chinese women were strongly shaped by ethnicity: they were mainly attracted to Chinese men. Attracted to Chinese American men mostly due to cultural reasons. Family influence big influence on Chinese women. No woman raised in China stated that they were mostly attracted to non-Chinese-(Americans).
Chinese women find foreign men less attractive in financial crisis Source Source Source
The attractiveness of foreign men has waned in China since the financial crisis began, according to a new survey.
The study polled 6,600 Chinese women with foreign husbands, starting in September last year, when Lehman Brothers' collapsed. Hongniang.com, a Chinese matchmaking website, asked the women to score their happiness out of 100, and they gave an average score of 72. However, when the website conducted another poll more recently, involving 4,400 married Chinese women, they were significantly less happy with their foreign partners and the average score had dropped to 54.
In other polls on the website, the proportion of women who expressed a desire to marry a foreign man had slumped from 42.5 per cent to just 16.8 per cent. Instead, 68 per cent of Chinese women said they preferred to marry a Chinese man.
Foreign men less attractive since financial crisis of 2008. Average happiness score out of 100 drops from 72 to 54. Women who expressed a desire to marry a foreign man fell from 42.5% to 16.8%, 68% said they preferred to marry a Chinese man.
In our current study, not one of the 144 female respondents indicated a strong or exclusive preference for dating and marrying a foreign man and only 4.2% indicated even a moderate preference for dating and marrying a Westerner. About 32% stated that it didn't matter either way (no preference based on race or culture) and another 48.6% indicated a preference for a Chinese man but stated that they would consider a foreigner "if the right one came along" (ibid). The most common reasons stated for these findings were "parents would never agree to a foreigner," "too many cultural differences leading to problems later on," and "difficulty communicating." Source
In light of this new evidence, what we now believe is that foreign men provide a very attractive alternative to those Chinese women who feel they are not competitive for the most desirable and sought after Chinese men. This group of women primarily include:
- Women who are considered to be relatively unattractive or just mediocre in appearance by Chinese standards
- Women over the age of 30 and those who are no longer virgins, irrespective of marital status
- Women who are divorced especially, but not only, if they have a child.
- Women from poor families, especially those whose parents are farmers and transient workers and were not born in a first-tier city. Chinese men ranked the girl's education and family background as 4th and 5th in order of importance, exceeded only by character, health and appearance in first, second and third place, respectively.
- Finally, and quite cynically, unscrupulous women who are otherwise quite competitive for the most desirable Chinese men but who are Western-bound at any cost and are primarily, if not only, interested in the foreign man's visa.
In the study, only 4.2% of Chinese women indicated even a moderate preference for dating and marrying a westerner. Foreign men provide an attractive alternative to Chinese women who feel they are not desirable. This group includes women considered unattractive, over 30, non virgins, divorced, divorced with child, poor and visa seekers.
Responsible Western men will bear in mind that Chinese girls who have lived with or even dated foreign men are extremely limited in their future marriage options if the relationship doesn't last. Most traditional Chinese men will immediately eliminate a woman as a potential future spouse if and when they learn she has had a former foreign boyfriend, even in the absence of sexual intercourse. This rather strong bias often then leads to a forced pattern of serial monogamous cohabitating relationships with other foreign men exclusively. Source
Outside the three major international cities, it is highly unlikely you will encounter an unmarried Chinese girl, under the age of 35, who is only looking for a "friend with benefits." Anecdotal evidence suggests that middle-aged women, whose husbands are out of town on business for days at a time, overrepresent those who are seeking casual sexual relationships as they are driven by loneliness and the belief that their husbands are doing more than just discussing business during their frequent late night outings.
Quite surprisingly, and paradoxically perhaps, even though these young professional women tend to possess some of the best English language skills in China, their general preference seems to lean in the direction of Chinese men, almost exclusively. Unless a Western man were relatively young, above-average in physical appearance, and had a lot of cash at his disposal, it is unlikely he would catch the fancy of such a Chinese girl.
Even young professional women, who have the best English skills, generally prefer Chinese men almost exclusively.
China's 'leftover women' look for love abroad Source
Loretta Xu Liang unzips her pink Juicy Couture jumper and sinks into her sofa. "Chinese men are terrified of me, both emotionally and financially," she sighs. At 31, Xu is confident and attractive, and earns about 35,000 yuan (HK$43,500) a month, more than eight times the national average. On the face of it, she represents the essence of a modern Chinese woman; better educated and more accomplished than ever before. But like most single women her age, she's under intense pressure to tie the knot, both from her family and from state media.
Highly accomplished women are not only the target of harsh media scrutiny, they also face a severe lack of admirers, despite China having 34 million more men than women as of last year. A recent study by Hong Kong-based sociologist Sandy To Sin-chi shows that these women struggle to find a lasting relationship in what is a conservative, patriarchal society.
"My mum spends all her time organising blind dates for me," says Faye Yang, a pretty 29-year-old university professor, "but over 60 per cent of them reject me when they discover I have a PhD degree."
Although only a handful of the women I speak to seem terribly excited about the prospect of marrying a foreigner, all are at pains to differentiate between expatriates and men living in their home countries. "China has polluted foreigners living in China," says Xu. "They make money in grey areas, they cheat, take bribes and are spoilt with so many Chinese girls."
Richard Burger, author of Behind the Red Door: Sex in China, points to another reason why women may tread carefully with foreigners. "Chinese women who date foreign men face the risk of being looked on with suspicion by friends and neighbours," he says. "They can be branded as 'loose' and improper and seen as 'damaged goods'."
Leftover women are the ones who consider foreigners. Foreigners in China have a polluted reputation and Chinese women who date foreigners also get a bad reputation as being loose, improper and damaged goods.
Zhou Xiaopeng, a marriage specialist from dating website baihe.com, said there are two main reasons for the rising number of Chinese marrying overseas residents. "Compared with Chinese men, foreigners care less about appearance and age. Therefore, an increasing number of educated Chinese women tend to date and marry Western men," she said. Source
In recent years, media reports have exposed more Chinese men from rural areas buying brides from Vietnam or other Southeast Asian countries through illegal agencies, Zhou said.
Foreigners care less about looks and age, that is the main reason for dating/marrying them.
Chinese women think I'm too old Source
COMEDIAN Des Bishop remains a single man a year after relocating to China and appearing on a dating show. However, the Irish-American said he was not ideal husband material in China.
"I'm very old, Chinese woman are all married at my age so it's not that easy to find a Chinese girlfriend," said the 38-year-old.
The percentage of women who expressed a desire for marrying a foreign man dropped from 42.5 percent to just 16.8 percent with 68 percent now indicating a clear preference for Chinese men (Chen, 2009). These results support our findings from a recent survey study of 302 unmarried Chinese young adults (mostly university students) in which 48.6 percent of our female respondents indicated a clear preference for Chinese husbands (Mavrides, 2009). Source
Despite their eligibility, most African grooms in Guangzhou marry Chinese economic migrants whose disapproving families reside far from the city. "Many Chinese women want to marry Africans because they are from poor rural areas, often Hunan or Hubei provinces. Marrying a foreigner is a way to upgrade their social status, because the Africans have money." East African prostitutes working in Little Africa, however, report that 50 per cent of their clients are Chinese men who "want to try it", according to Matthews. Source
Generally, though, the African bachelors in Guangzhou are not desperate asylum seekers: they are highly eligible businessmen. Like Ousagna and Issa, they often own a car, have a stable income and speak Putonghua. Forty per cent of African migrants surveyed in Guangzhou for the book Africans in China (2012), by former University of Hong Kong professor Adams Bodomo, had received tertiary education - some even held a PhD. Many Chinese women want to marry Africans because they are from poor rural areas, often Hunan or Hubei provinces Instead of taking a factory job, a Chinese woman who marries an African man often becomes head of his wholesale shop, should he open one, and a key player in his export business. To add insult to injury, while Africans are denied Chinese citizenship, they are still subject to the one-child policy. I.G. and Winnie have three children, Peace, aged eight, Joshua, six, and 1½-year-old Jeremia. "After the second child they asked us to pay 30,000 yuan even though I'm a foreigner," he says, with a what-can-you-do shrug.
his children, should he have any and they be registered under Tsang’s name Despite their eligibility, most African grooms in Guangzhou marry Chinese economic migrants whose disapproving families reside far from the city. “Many Chinese women want to marry Africans because they are from poor rural areas, often Hunan or Hubei provinces. Marrying a foreigner is a way to upgrade their social status, because the Africans have money.” Source
Poor Chinese marry rich African business owners. Wife becomes the head. The children take the wife's surname as well.
VAHE: How big is the pressure to get married to a Chinese man? Source
Most people tell me their parents prefer them to marry a Chinese man, but of course a small minority of women and men in China marry foreigners.
Vancouver man wanders streets of Shenzhen, China looking for an online love he’s never met Source
a desperate Malone has turned himself into a human billboard in a last-ditch bid to find his online love
But Malone hinted the love may have been a little one-sided — he said RiLi was concerned that an in-person meeting might mess with the magic.
Undeterred by her doubts, Malone booked a flight, and now marches the streets of Shenzhen with a billboard around his neck, bearing the photo he believes is RiLi, hoping she really is his true love.
Chinese girl rejects US teen after he flies 7,000 miles to meet her Source
Infatuated US teen found almost frozen to death on bank of Chinese river after travelling 7,000 miles to be rejected by girl he fell in love with over the internet
Police said it appears the young woman may not have taken him seriously until he suddenly turned up in Xiamen, in Fujian Province, and then went to Jiangshan to meet the girl.
Detectives confirmed from his mobile phone that he did try to ring her several times, after which he was told to leave her alone – and his number was blocked.
Depressed about the rejection, Pratt had started drinking and was last seen cursing and staggering near Xu River, where he was found passed out later that night.
Police tracked the young woman down, but she again refused to meet him despite hearing about the fact that he had almost died.
Hangzhou sex worker blog was faked by male editor Source
The microblog of Ruo Xiaoan 1, which purported to be the posts of a female sex worker in Hangzhou and attracted enormous attention from media and internet users, was actually a fake written by a man surnamed Lin, say local police according to Zhejiang Online.
Fake sex blogs, which some foreigners use to stroke their fragile egos.
The Decline of the Expat: Foreigners in China Proliferate, But Become Less Special Source
What does this mean for China's expats? First off, they are less and less a novelty. Once upon a time, they were asked to pose for photos wherever they went. While this is still true in most areas, they are now hardly given a second glance in the trendier areas of big cities. With more of them around, expats have been demystified - and more opportunities for interaction have perhaps led local Chinese to a startling revelation: that many foreigners are poor students, or are struggling to make ends meet, while China's middle class is only growing more and more wealthy.
French Girl Marries Chinese Guy for Love, Not Money Source
Domestic lives of foreign women with Chinese mothers-in-law Source
The domestic arrangements of cross-cultural marriages like Swift's have become a topic of interest in the Chinese media in recent weeks, following the publication of a story in Jiangsu-based newspaper Modern Express about the marriage of 26-year-old French woman Emilie Gutowski to a Chinese golf instructor by the name of Kevin Xie this month. A quote made by Gutowski to the publication particularly galvanized public reaction: "I don't want a house, I don't want a car, I just want to be with you."
Militonyan Nune, originally from Armenia, married her Chinese husband, Deng Zhonggang, in 1996. They had met the year before, when Deng went to Armenia to work as a farmer.
Ember Swift from Canada takes a stroll with her Chinese mother-in-law (left) and her two children. Photo: Courtesy of Ember Swift
Hungarian actress and media personality Victoria Varadi married her Chinese husband in 2013.
Li Jian'en, Gutowski's mother-in-law, said she was worried at first when she heard that her son wanted to marry a foreigner. "I have a friend whose son married a woman from New Zealand. They all live together and my friend told me that there were a lot of problems," said Li.
More Chinese men marrying foreign women in Shanghai Source
Chinese Man’s Life with Beautiful Ukrainian Wife Envied
Ukrainian woman Sasha created a sensation in Dujiangyan, southwest China's Sichuan Province, on Valentine's Day when proposed to her boyfriend dressed as a panda, the West China Metropolis Daily reports. Source
Sasha, 26, visited the city one year ago and hoped to find Mr Right. On the train back to Chengdu, she met Da Bin and fell in love with the 30-year-old.
Inma: A Spanish Cultural Ambassador' Journey in Beijing Source
This marriage represents a new order that is sweeping across Africa--intermarriages between Chinese and Africans, which historians say would close the gap between the two. Source
"It is a trend that is growing fast. Though there are few Chinese women in Africa, many African ladies are now getting connected with the Chinese men working or doing business in Africa," says Caroline Mbalula, a culture analyst based in Gauteng, South Africa.
And finally, there were the inordinate number of Chinese artists and musicians I met who all seemed to be married to Western women. The long-haired guitarist who was drunk more often than not, with the pretty German wife. The DJ I always ran into at 4 a.m. whose wife was a high-powered American executive. The abstract painter, the video artist, the singer. All of them had British or Belgian or French wives. Source
Sally Bennett (pseudonym), a 29-year-old teacher in Beijing who is originally from Australia, also disagreed with the view that Chinese men were poorly dressed compared to Western men. "In my own country or in the UK, I've seen some guys wearing pajamas or walking barefoot in shopping malls," said Bennett, who is engaged to a Chinese man. "While in China, the men I know, they all care about their appearances and try to look good all the times." Source
Chinese men also tend to quite chivalrous, in her experience, said Bennett. "Take my fiancée, for example. He always holds my hand, opens doors for me and kisses me on the forehead when we're waiting at the bus station," Bennett said.
Chinese man fetches Russian bride with fleet of Ferraris and Hummers Source
The supposed materialism of Chinese women is putting off some Chinese men and driving them into the arms of Western women. Source
Fishbowl Events, a Beijing group run by foreigners and known for its speed-dating parties, has observed a marked increase in male Chinese participants in the past few years. "In 2007, we had about 20 percent Chinese men," says Ola Zdzarska, co-owner of Fishbowl. "Now it is 40 percent.
Humble Sichuan bartender marries professional London singer Source
The newlyweb and Yang's mother.
After that there were some voluntary migration from China to Assam and Bengal. Says author Rita Chowdhury, who has done extensive research on the subject, "Most of these people in Assam got married with local girls and settled down there. Source http://i.imgur.com/eRVUzJv.jpg Source http://i.imgur.com/5aUWhTS.jpg Source http://i.imgur.com/6OmqvEX.png Source http://i.imgur.com/LPpskRO.png Source http://i.imgur.com/sH0ZJMZ.jpg Source http://www.speakingofchina.com/
The mainland marriage statistics section. Pastebin copy/paste for Reddit post
More than 20,000 Myanmar women married to Chinese men and illegally emigrated to Dehong autonomous prefecture in Southwest China's Yunnan Province, since China still lacks the laws or policies to regulate illegal immigration along border towns, local legislators said. http://www.globaltimes.cn/content/1036236.shtml
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2014.07.18 20:54 VanSticks How do I talk to mom about marriage? (Complicated situation; very very long story; tldr at top and bottom)
Wanted to move out or get married for almost 4 years. Moving out is out of the question for mom, and she says it's up to God to decide when the right time is for me to get married, but...
- I'm not allowed to have any contact with guys, ergo it would be technically impossible for me to meet someone on my own.
- and when God wills other parents to ask mom about me, I never hear about it...?
Aside from her strange reasoning as to how/when I'm supposed to get married, I also have to figure out how to convince/explain to her that I don't want to get married immediately, but want time to get to know the guy. We haven't talked about it yet, because she ignores it when it's brought up, and I don't know how.
. Let me start off with some background info: I am I 22 year old girl/woman, born and raised in The Netherlands. My father is from South America, but grew up here; and my mother is from a small town in Pakistan and came here a couple of years after they got married (which was at 19 if I remember correctly). Dad was a friend of her brother's, saw her once or twice, and asked her parents for her hand in marriage. Nearly immediately after she moved here, dad became chronically mentally ill. Can you imagine? A culture shock like that, not speaking the local language, suddenly being in a whole new family that you don't really know at all, and a couple of years later also having to be a single mom to my brother (two years older) and me (because dad was/is incapable of parenting, not cause he passed away or because they divoced; they're still together in fact). So the home situation for me has never been conventional, and on top of that, the relationship with my mother has never been great. Next to her being very traditional, conservative, strict and overprotective, and me having been very independent and on my own from a very young age, quite the tomboy, growing up in a completely different culture than her, and being far more open (minded) about things, we're both afflicted with depression. Also, she basically wants me to stay home unless it's for school. If I want to hang out with friends, she'd rather they come to the house; going to cultural events (I'm really into poetry/spoken word, and write and perform as well) she doesn't like me doing either. Almost everytime I do, especially in the evening (even if it's around the corner), there's a big lecture and discussion and regular screaming and drama. She still tells me to come straight home after college or work (sometimes she criticizes me working as well; like I'm doing it for fun...?), and basically perceives anything that's not Islam, housework or school (though even school sometimes; internships, and extracurriculafun parts) to be unnecessary and just an excuse to make my life one big, fun game (her words). On the other hand, I do know I can be very messy and I ám very lazy when it comes to house work/chores. I also can't cook very well yet, even though she's been trying to teach me since I was in single digits, but I've been learning since I started teaching myself about a year or ago, by finding my own recipes, foods and dishes I like or would like to try etc.. Also, my dad was the youngest of a very large family. So my bro and I are pretty much the youngest of our family's generation. Almost all of my cousins are at least 10 years older than us and already married and with (mostly young) children.
Since I've been about 19, I've felt really ready to start my own life. Either by moving out, or by being in a serious (romantic) relationship. To my mother, neither seem to be valid options. About a year ago, I talked to her about moving out (the first serious/real coversation we probably ever had). I prepared myself for so long, thinking of reasonable deals we might agree upon (like me coming over once a week at least etc.), writing down arguments, practicing staying calm for the discussion. I got to say everything, stayed calm and didn't walk away, but she wouldn't have any of it. Not even a little bit of give; everything I said was shot down.
Now, I can understand how from an islamic/conservative point of view why she wouldn't want me to move out. But when it comes to guys/marriage, she seems completely warped. She's always forbade any contact with guys, getting only a little more lenient when she saw it was inevitable here, making it "it's only allowed when you absolutely have to", but meeting or talking after school/work, even just having them as friends/contacts online she doesn't like. Obviously guy friends, or boyfriends have been completely out of the question. Although I don't agree with the bigger part of this, I can still understand where she's coming from. I do have a lot of guy friends though, cause I simply connect with them more easily.
And I have had a few boyfriends, but with the exception of one guy that I was (am?) truly in love with, I've always been the one to break it off. Reasons being
1) I absolutely hated having to lie to my mom and sneak around, and I could never stand that.
2) it just never felt right, because they simply weren't the right person/match for me (personality/interests wise),
3) they were never Muslims and that bothered me, cause I couldn't talk or connect with them on that level (which is definitely an important thing to have learned!)
. Guys/marriage in general is a very touchy subject with her. Whenever it comes up, or when I bring it up, she literally ignores it. She just stops talking, looks the other way, or just answers it by talking about something else, as if she didn't hear me. Only a few times I've been able to get some short answers out of her.
Me: "How do you see me getting married?"
Mom: "How do you mean?" (somewhat suspicious)
Me: "Well, for example X (a person my mom is surprisingly non critical about) met MyCousin on her own and they were together for about five years before they got married and-..."
Mom: "What and you think that's okay?!" (defensive and angrily) "That is not our (the islamic) way!"
Me: "No, no! It's just an example. So, how do you see me getting married then?"
Mom: "When the time is right I'll look for someone for you. Maybe with the help of your aunt. I'll visit the guy's parents and we will discuss it."
Me: "So... when will the time be right?" And then she ignored it and wouldn't talk about it anymore.
. A different time with my engaged niece present.
Me: "When do you think I'm going to get married?"
Mom: "Not for a long time, haha."
Me: "... But by what age do you think I'd be married?"
Mom: "25 tops? After that your chances to find someone will only get smaller."
. Then my niece got married last September. We've always been close, seeing each other on for some years and then not for a couple of years. She's younger than me. She got married a month before she turned 20, at which point I was a few months short of being 22. Since then my entire family has been asking me about marriage. Even my close cousins (three brothers), that have always been reasonably modern about these things (like finding early 20s a little early to marry, especially in the culture and country we live in) seriously asked me about it. And not in a way that suggested they were interested in me, because we are like siblings, and they are all at least ten years older than me. At the wedding, one of my cousins (girl) even already tried to play matchmaker! (And not jokingly, although she was having a lot of fun with it.) After the weekend of the wedding I tried hinting at my mom about marriage.
Me: "Sooooo.... everybody's been asking me when I'm getting married, haha..."
Mom: (doesn't say anything)
Me: "... So... when?"
Mom: "Not yet."
Me: "Yeah, okay, but when will I?"
Mom: "When the time is right."
Me: "And when is that?" (Getting somewhat annoyed)
Mom: "When God wills it./That's in God's hands."
Me: ... (kindof pissed, I walked away)
. Obviously I can't get married if Allah doesn't will it. But what angered me was that she's also been holding things back from me. You see, in our culture (and probably many other cultures as well), it's normal for mothers to ask each other about their children and whether they are single and ready to mingle/marry. And I had wondered a few times whether or not people had asked about me, because I never heard anything about it. Turns out that plenty of people had approached my mom asking about me but she never told me and just turned them down. My brother told me this after mom told him when she was yelling at him because she found out he had a secret girlfriend (that she wanted him to either dump or marry right away. And when she found out she wasn't a Sunni Muslim like us, she insistead he break it off).
. So, it's up to God to decide when the right time is for me to get married, but...
- I can't have any contact with guys, ergo it would be technically impossible for me to meet someone on my own.
- and when God wills people to ask for me, I am never to hear about it...?
I haven't spoken to her about this yet, because I don't know how... And aside from her strange reasoning as to how/when I'm supposed to get married, I also have to figure out how to explain to her that I don't want to get married immediately. I don't want to marry a stranger; I want at least 6 months to a year to get to know the guy, to find out if we're compatible and have a similar stance on things, to have a chance to break it off before we make a tremendous mistake. Considering none of my ex-boyfriends even really lasted half a year, that time should be plenty to find out. And I'm absolutely willing to 'date' with supervision, that's fine with me, as long as I get to talk privately with him too (albeit online/digitally). Because I really only want that time to get to know the person, not to get physical. Suervision would even be welcomed, since I'm finding it harder and harder not to succumb to my physical urges (and trust me, despite my mom's chokehold, there have been opportunities and occasions I wanted to give in). :(
Wanted to move out or get married for almost 4 years. Moving out is out of the question for mom, and she says it's up to God to decide when the right time is for me to get married, but...
- I'm not allowed to have any contact with guys, ergo it would be technically impossible for me to meet someone on my own.
- and when God wills other parents to ask mom about me, I never hear about it...?
Aside from her strange reasoning as to how/when I'm supposed to get married, I also have to figure out how to convince/explain to her that I don't want to get married immediately, but want time to get to know the guy. We haven't talked about it yet, because she ignores it when it's brought up, and I don't know how.
Help please? :/
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